A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunt'sMy boyfriend had an affair on me in may of 2008. I found out about it in January of 2009. It shattered my world, I am now trying to put my life back together and I can't seem to stop thinking about it every day and every night, how could someone who loved me so much do the most terrible thing there is to do to a person. He is my best friend, my soulmate the father of my children, the man of my dreams and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The woman he had the affair with was his ex (they also have a child together) with the possibility of twins when he had the affair she ended up pregnant, she told him about the pregnancy in September after it was to late for an abortion, he told her he already has his family (I know he should of thought about it before he did what he did). Then she tells him like a month later that they are not his kids, she now has a new boyfried who has been there since she was pregnant and he is saying he is the father (I can only imagine what his other child is thinking right now). I know he is sorry for what he has done, and I want to so bad to forgive himWe have been together almost 13 years and my children would be devestated if we ever broke up (as I would be too). I need to know how to open up to him and really tell him how much he hurt me, councelling I know is a great idea but it's costly at this point in my life, that's why I found this site it's almost like councelling I guess. Some times I have good days, and I think about how much I love this man and then I have days when I think is there anyone else out there that I just don't know about and he didn't tell me (he had no choice but to tell me about his ex, cause his child comes to out home sometimes). I can't talk to anyone about this cause I really don't trust anyone. I need to know when will I start to feel better? and stop crying this is taking over my life and I need to be there for my children instead of sitting in my room and crying constantly. Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): oh dear what a fool he has been. yes he should of behaved, he didn't - you will take this as a hit on you - you shouldn't but you will. You did nothing wrong and i suspect couldn't have stopped it no matter what you tried. with love comes trust, when thats broken its difficult.
However, with love also comes ability to forgive. he did this yes - but assuming that he is the perfect partner from now on and you have a long and happy life together- does this small affair of X long matter in decades of time together? (only you can answer that for you).
notice how forgive is not the same as forget and I think you need to keep this in mind whilst you have the raw wound exposed is don't forget and make sure if he does anything even close you chop his nads off. (or failing that dump him for being so uncaring\sympathetic\x etc.)
now how to get through the worst of the exposed wound... its your head - i think the technique mentioned here as a post may help?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-will-i-do-without-her-in-my.html
as to how long it will take - it depends on how quickly you stand up and think tosser - i am not going to let you get to me in that way.
you can get over this and trust him again (if you want to) but this is down to you and if you think its worth it.
Big hug, Star.x.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 April 2009):
 What you need to do is to first write down your thoughts and feeling. It helps your mind process what happened.
Secondly you need to understand that the affair was NOT your fault. Nothing you did MADE him cheat. THAT was a choice HE made.
Thirdly, don't waste time your energy on his Ex. She isn't worth it. She is just a greedy whore.
You need to try and figure out how you think, he can make it up to you. What you think you need for him to do, for you to start trusting him again. Broken trust and lack of respect is really hard to re-gain.
When you have taken YOUR time to process what this did to you. How it made you feel. Have someone watch your kids and tell your BF that he needs to listen. If he is truly done with her ( the ex) he should have no problem being open about it.
You also need to tell him that if you can you will forgive him, WHEN you are ready. Unfortunately that can take years to get over. Just because he feels sorry that he not only got caught but that he realized he hurt his family, doesn't mean that it will vanish from your relationship.
However the sooner you two talk about it and DEAL with it the sooner you can start to heal. He needs to explain WHY he did what he did and honestly DO NOT accept a :"it just happened", cause that is BS.
I would also suggest that you two have a long talk about expectations, morals, ideals and values. You two need to be on the same page here.
When you do come to that point in your life that you can forgive, remember that you really have to let it go. It can not be brought up later in fights as ammo.
You will always have the what-if's in your mind, but what you need to do is concentrate on yourself and your family.
As far as visitation, the kids didn't do anything. They will need their dad. But I really would suggest that your BF limits the interactions with his ex to a very bare minimum.
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