A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 19/f and my boyfriend is 20/m We've been together for nearly a year, and we love each other alot. i honestly think hes my soulmate and we can both picture our future together perfectly... except now im not so sure anymore. im a very very insecure person. i lost my virginity to him and only him and he had several gf's and fwb in the past. Hes still best friends with one of his old FWB and im not gonna lie, im worried about it. i told him my concerns and he understood and everything... but now i cant sleep because i was thinking about something he said. he told me that he still thinks about having sex with her and other girls. Even though he said he would never actually do it, i think its bad enough he even thinks about other girls that way.maybe im just crazy because im traditional and the thought of having sex with anyone else but my partner just doesnt cross my mind. i only want to have sex with him. yet now im losing sleep because i cant help but think about 'am i not good enough' 'maybe im not the one for him' 'maybe he should still be single' because he thinks about having sex with other girls.and i honestly dont know what to do or say or how to bring it up (should i bring it up at all) Is there something wrong with me and i should just accept that he thinks of other women? even though i think if you truly love someone you would only think of sex with them. i seriously have not wanted anyone else sexually so why cant he be the same? i just dont know what to do.
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female
reader, adamantine +, writes (15 January 2012):
 I'm really not sure if there is anything you can do. You can't change a person. So you'll have to ask yourself if you're okay with him thinking these things?
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. I'm 20, and he is 22. He has had partners before me but he was my first.
Does my man think of sex with other women? He told he he can't even look at another woman and be turned on, because I'm the only one that does it for him. I feel the exact same way.
I understand that it's okay to be attracted to other people and to appreciate the way other people look, but thinking of having sex with them is different, in my opinion anyway.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): It's normal.
Completely.
But cheating isn't. That is cruel and indicates other issues.
"i seriously have not wanted anyone else sexually so why cant he be the same"
Testosterone drives a lot of this, and men have higher levels of testosterone than women. Remember that, he is a guy, you are a woman.
Does this mean he will cheat, no, absolutely not.
Does this mean that you will be faithful, no, absolutely not.
Does this mean that he can feel secure with you? No, in fact quite the opposite, he may not feel secure with you because of this.
I've been married 20 years, I've seen thousands of women that I've thought of "sexually" in some manner during that time, but I've never cheated. At the end of the day, I take that part of my life home to my wife (the sexual part).
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Not necessarily... You see, we guys think that EVERY girl wants to have s*x with us..... AND we KNOW that we want to have s*x with every/any girl who is appropriately equipped....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Miss Taterbutt +, writes (13 January 2012):
 I'll say one thing and one thing only. The fact that he's friends with a former partner, and still thinks about their past experiences together, that would be a red-flag for me.m
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): I think we all think about other people in some sexual way if not for an instant. We are attracted to many people. To say you are only attracted to this one person is ludicrous!
You only want to have sex with him, he probably only wants to have sex with you.
I'm female and I think about other men occasionally before or during sex. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with multiple other people it's just a thought that pops in and out of my head. It is normal.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2012):
 As my fiance said to me the other day after looking at a young Asian young lady that caught his eye (his preferred fantasy girl is young and Asian) “yep but I GO HOME WITH YOU”
And I have learned that it does not matter WHERE he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home so to speak. Yes sometimes it makes me feel old and unattractive and that I’m NOT enough but I am and he tells me and I believe him.
He’s “married” not dead….
Just because a man thinks about sex with other women does not mean you are not enough. BUT you should let him know how it makes you feel….
Would you prefer he keep these thoughts secret? Because he trusts you enough to share them with you and be honest with you… that’s a good thing.
There is NOTHING wrong with YOU or HIM. I truly love my man but that does not mean I don’t admire an attractive man…
He has prior experience to pull on… as do many people. These are the experiences that shape us and make us who we are…
I personally have a fairly easy going attitude about sex so others may come in and give you better help and advice...
I think however that being the thought police and expecting him to control his thoughts and NOT think of sex with prior partners or to have a fantasy life is a bit unrealistic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): He's young and not very wise yet. He was also inconsiderate of your feelings. Don't take it to heart, though that's easy said than done. Blame it on youth. Know it's easy to get hurt by the one that was your first love, know you don't have to accept any behaviors that bother you. Talk about them, watch actions, watch your emotions and take the right path to following your integrity.
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