A
female
age
26-29,
*aisyDropX
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We're very open with each other sexually and emotionally, however a couple of months ago I noticed he had striked an interest in larger women (ie following Instagram and Twitter accounts of bigger women in lingerie etc). More recently, I found out that he had signed himself up for dating websites to meet larger women. I was distraught and when I brought it up to him he apologised over and over and explained he just finds larger women attractive and never intended to use the website to actually meet anyone. He was very blunt about it and we never discussed it again. That was about a month ago. This morning I was using his laptop and on his internet homepage I found MORE of these internet sites. I don't know what to do, we are both in our early 20s and have sex very regularly. To me this whole situation is a huge turn off and I don't know what to do about it anymore! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 I agree wholeheartedly with YouWish.
Life is simple, at the end of the day . There are things that one can do and other things that one can't.
A person in a committed relationship cannot be on dating sites sniffing around for other women ( or men ).Period.
It does not matter if the sniffing does not turn out into an actual encounter, and it does not matter if his object of desire are fat women, blonde women, bald women or armadillos.
He is not supposed to do that to begin with, and if he insists in doing it he is mocking you and the whole relationship. Draw yourself your conclusions.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Take the "large" part out of the equation because this isn't about his fascination with some weird fetish, and your focusing on it is allowing a prejudice to dilute the real situation:
What do we do when our partners go looking for others on dating sites? We confront. If we decide to forgive, only to find out that the behavior continues? WE LEAVE.
Whether the women he's wanting to date are thin, fat, different ethnicity or race, sexual orientation, or whatever, it DOES NOT MATTER. He is cheating on you. Whether they are large or not doesn't marginalize it into a fetish. HE is cheating. You confronted and he's continuing to cheat.
I'd leave him. He squandered your generosity in keeping him the first time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): Your boyfriend is developing a sexual-fetish. He's objectifying women for features or a body-type that appeals to him in a sexual way. It's time you decide whether you will continue hanging on to a guy who is on websites looking for other women. Obviously with sex in mind.
Don't change yourself for his sake. Don't even get that ridiculous notion in your head. Women far too often try to change for some assh*le of a boyfriend or husband, who wants everything but the one they have.
Foolishly, females end-up suffering physically and psychologically trying to be everything some over-sexed self-indulgent jerk fantasizes. It's impossible. Going through surgeries, getting implants, lipo-suction, and all sorts of expensive, painful, and life-threatening procedures to look like models. Yet these same assh*les turn around and decide they want yet something else.
Curvy larger-sized girls want to be loved and appreciated as attractive and desirable in normal ways. Not ogled and lusted after for appealing to some guy's pornographic perversion. It's hard enough being appreciated for being who she is. Without adding something sick to make them even more insecure as to whether a guy likes her for her, or he's some creep with a fetish.
The truth is, many guys aren't satisfied with one girl. I said many, not all! They want multiple partners, regardless of looks. They lead you to believe there's some particular type. You're a female, you'll never truly understand the mind of a male. Guys will have sex with a very unattractive female in secret, and really like her. Most will not admit to it. So it's not always based on beauty. It's about having variety and opportunity.
He is cheating on you, regardless of all the other stuff you've written about. You can't dismiss the fact he is doing things behind your back and lying to you. It means he has every intention of pursuing his fantasy. He flat out lied to you, and went right back to sites looking for big girls.
You don't respond to this, you react. Your best option is to leave someone who is seeking other women and lying to you.
That's a no-brainer, girlfriend!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 June 2016):
 @ Daisy,
Before going into specific advice I would appreciate some more information.
Do you live together?
What are your plans for the relationship?
What is the "huge turn off" specifically? The dating sites, the betrayal of trust, his interest in women who don't look like you, or something else.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2016):
 Seems like it's more than an interest here. He KNOWS this isn't something hat isn't OK in a relationship. Signing up for dating sites if you don't intend to date is the dumbest excuse I have ever heard. And personally, I'd be offended if my partner tried that lie on me.
Second of all, him apologizing OBVIOUSLY doesn't mean he intends to stop, just that he will try (and failing miserably it seems) to hide it better.
You can't control what he does, how he feels or what he is attracted to. BUT you can control to how you wish to deal with all this.
I don't think his behavior is OK when he is in a relationship. One thing is looking at ladies in lingerie, to look at porn, but if it starts to become an obsession and that he KNOWS it's detrimental to the relationship and he STILL chooses to do it - then his priorities are HIMSELF, HIS WANTS/NEEDS before yours. Which, to be honest isn't so strange at your age. However, I think YOU need to decide if you want to be in a relationship where YOU are less important than "strangers in underwear".
Also I just don't really think it's appropriate for a guy to be all over Instagram and what not following women in lingerie. It just seems so freaking immature.
Personally, I'd end it and walk away. HIS loss.
YOU have to set some standards and boundaries for what you are OK with and what you are not and find a partner who can RESPECT those boundaries. This guy? isn't it.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (14 June 2016):
 Going on dating sites is diff from just watching porn. Hes taken action to try to meet these women, I think you really should discuss this with him and tell him your boundaries. If he doesnt seem to care, you have to break it off.
Ive seen people together in loving relationships that ended rapidly when one partner creates an infatuation with something (whether that was someone new at work, drugs, gambling, fetish, etc) . Nothing can stop them, its not healthy and you dont have to be in the middle of it. It will tear apart your self esteem. You cant tell them no, because its like telling a child or your dog NO when they want something. They will find a way to get it
Break it off before you get in too deep, good luck sweetheart
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