A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and he is te type of person that just about interrogates me about guys in my past. I have nothing to be ashamed about and have only been with one person before him. He always asks about stupid things like did you dance with that person, did you like him, did you ever have a crush on a guy? Stupid stuff like that but I've found that when I tell him the truth about some stuff he gets mad and says "why don't you just sit there then and think about cute guys." After he asked me twenty questions about a guy I thought was cute from my past. I started to lie because I didn't want to keep talking about it or him getting mad about it. It's pointless. We are about to have a baby and I've never lied to him about anything involving our relationship only things that do t affect our relationship whatsoever. It still doesn't make it right, but it's never been about anything that would ever make a difference in our relationship. He told me during our relationship he would probably break up with me if he found out I have ever lied. I can't tell him that I've lied because we are having a child and we love each other more than anything. We have both said we can't see our lives without each other but I know for a fact if he were to ever find out I have lied he will end things. What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2013):
 I would sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel when he wants to dig around in the past.
He NEEDS to stop. And probably get some help for that retrograde jealousy thing. It's NOT helpful for anyone, not you, not him, no one.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 June 2013):
 He has retrograde jealousy, which as you wish said, is a form of OCD. There is no possible answer you could give him that will calm him down. The only possible answer you could ever give that would be satisfying would be that you were in a coma until you met him and never thought about or looked at a man in any possible way until you met him.
He needs to get professional help. It's possible to treat with therapy and often medication. The next time he starts asking you need to tell him you've told him everything and you're done answering his interrogations, then get up and go to another room and do something else. There is simply nothing you can do to answer him that will help. He is interrogating because he hopes that if he asks more times, he can find some "golden answer" that will put his mind at ease. The only possible solution is for him to get professional help and likely to start medication for a bit.
This isn't because he's a bad person or because he's mean. It's really not different than someone who compulsively washes their hands or has to do things in repetitions of 3, just that unfortunately his manifestation is wrecking your relationship.
Also male anon, what are you on about? Why are you giving the OP a lecture on something she hasn't even insinuated she did?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2013):
 This is not about you lying. This is about him suffering from retroactive jealousy. He is obsessing over everything you've ever done in your past before you met him.
Tell him that he needs to stop the intrusive, obsessive questions. You told him that you were with one other person in the past, and that's the end of it. Tell him that your relationship now matters, and tell him that the baby matters more.
Tell him that his constant questions are tearing apart your relationship and putting a strain on your pregnancy. Explain to him that whoever you thought was cute or not is something he needs to stop obsessing about, and he needs to stop now.
Tell him you will not cheat on him, and that he's the only one that matters to you. Apart from that, if he starts asking 20 questions, leave the room and tell him that he needs to stop the retroactive jealousy, and if he can't stop obsessing, that he needs to get professional help, because OCD, whether it manifests as germophobia or retroactive jealousy is his problem.
The lie isn't whether or not you cheated, or whether or not you lied about a past sex life (i.e. if you told him you only have 1 other guy, but really you had 25), but you're most likely sick of answering the same question over and over again.
Seriously though...if he asks, walk out of the room. If he follows you, tell him you will no longer indulge his intrusive, obsessive questions. You were honest about your past history, and the questions end now. If he gives you crap or can't drop it, then you may have to leave him.
Tell him that you remember what he said about breaking up with you if you lie. Tell him that if he continues the retro jealousy, you will break up with him, because every time he continues to ask questions, then *HE* is lying by saying he trusts you, when he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 June 2013):
Stop answering him. Tell him it's an immature question and you're tired of talking about those kinds of things.
Then stop answering him! There's no reason to lie, just tell him it's none of his business.
You're enabling this behavior, try to put an end to it or it'll get worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Your BF has a nasty case of retro jealousy. I understand having retro jealousy but I will not defend his unfair attitude about it. He has the right to his feelings but not the right to verbally abuse you over it when you have done nothing wrong to him. Lots of guys have trouble with their GF's past but your man sounds more extreme and less reasonable about it than most. But what are you lying about? If you mean you told him that you were a virgin, then I'm sorry but you did him wrong plain and simple. You say you have not lied about things that affect your relationship - but what gives you the right to decide what should be important to him? This is not just your life, it is his too. He obviously did not want to spend it with someone who lies to him about their past. Now it seems he has no choice about it especially considering the baby. Why didn't he have that choice? You took it from him when you lied and now he cannot ever have it back. There is also the STI issue. Some STIs cannot be tested for. Some cannot be cured. Some take years or decades before anything shows. New ones may be getting passed around right now and not even be discovered yet. Concealing past lovers is gambling with your partner's health against their will. You may feel the risks you have taken in the past are acceptable but you have no right to decide that for someone else by lying to them. Its wrong, period.
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