A
female
age
30-35,
*llgoodthings18
writes:Hi everyone,I’m coming here for advice about an ongoing problem I have with dating. Bear with me- I annoy myself with this and am certain I sound exhausting. I’m a female in my late twenties and have dated a handful of men. I’m currently dating a wonderful man who was a close friend for a while before we dated. Regardless of the people I date and their baggage, I always seem to look for problems, overanalyze, and feel out of control when I’m dating. It may even be self-sabotaging. I do this with EVERY partner and really want to break the cycle. I have generalized anxiety disorder and generally cope fine by keeping busy, staying physically active, and nurturing my friendships. Unfortunately, a recent furlough due to COVID has kept me from being able to use a lot of my coping skills. I run 6 times a week, but have been isolated from my friends, bored, and unemployed. This situation has worsened my usually moderate and manageable anxiety to a very tense level. My current relationship has been very healthy and happy. We knew each other well before dating, so there’s already a solid friendship. However, I feel like a mess. I have been so emotional, stressed, and anxious since the furlough. All the extra time is making me worry even more and I feel like I’m finding things to worry about that aren’t even valid. My boyfriend texts me every day, we spend several days a week together, He plans nice things for us to do even with the pandemic constraints and he’s super supportive. He’s not perfect, but I can rationally say that he doesn’t have any problems jumping out that should cause me to worry so much. But every Sunday after a nice weekend together, something overrides my rational side and worry kicks in. Every week it’s something different: is he communicating enough? Do we see each other enough? Should I be paying for more? Does he hate paying for dates? Is he mad at me? Does he still like me? Should we be getting fancier takeout? The list could go on and on. I hate myself for worrying so much and not being more positive. I’m sure it sounds ridiculous to read. Naturally, this comes into our relationship. My boyfriend knows about my anxiety and is understanding, but does get somewhat frustrated that I seem to have insecurities frequently that don’t always make sense to him. He feels like he’s doing things that show his intentions and his interest (he does!) but I always seem to find a way to overthink and read into nothing. I end up sucking the fun out of certain things and anticipate issues that haven’t even happened. I TRY not to tell him all of my worries, because there are so many and it’s just not fair to put all of that on him. I’ve done this before. My relationships usually end for whatever reason, but usually I’m strangely relieved that I don’t have to obsess over someone’s intentions when I’m single. I think this all stems from feeling out of control when I’m dating someone else. I have no control over their thoughts, feelings, or actions. The unknown terrifies me and makes me feel insecure. I don’t want to sound controlling- I just don’t like being vulnerable or feeling uncertain. I’m afraid to get my heartbroken, waste time, get hurt, etc. I’m not a risk taker- although I know risk is inherent when you date. I know if I don’t get a handle on this, I’ll push him away. I don’t seem to know how to stop myself, just be and enjoy. I REALLY want to find a way to work through this. I care deeply about this man and can’t keep letting anxiety get in the way of my happiness. Thank you for your advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2020):
 Knowing that you need to work on yourself is the first step, OP so good for you.
Secondly, also knowing that you are ruminating on things totally out of your control is a whole other kettle of fish, that you might need some help in working on. Maybe look into some CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) to get the tools to HELP you with some self control and motivation to learning to let go of some thoughts that are entirely useless.
If you are a little on the OCD side (like myself) it is VERY hard to do. I like patterns and order, I will worry about things that may most likely never happen in a way to prevent them (even if I know it doesn't, but there you have it) it's irrational thoughts. But IF (and when) I can "arrange" my train of thoughts into a pattern I can accept and work with, it makes it easier.
Knowing that life (in general) is absolutely out of your control is tough. But also true. Which means focus on what you CAN control WITHIN yourself, not other people. JUST you.
For one, I think you should tell him what you are dealing with mentally - that you CARE deeply for him and that YOU will be working on this ON your own but you want him to be aware. He shouldn't BE your therapist or your crutch, but he CAN be your support and sounding board.
CBT is short term therapy, and it can be very useful. I have also found that yoga ( or prayer/giving thanks for those who are religious) can help clear your mind and let go of the mental clutter. Journaling can help, because you have to articulate how you feel and why, it sometimes helps seem things come to the surface.
No one wants to get hurt, no one wants to waste their time, or feel uncertain. NO ONE, not just you.
The thing is you can't wrap yourself in "mental-bubblewrap" and think you will be safe. Interacting with other people is a risk. Mostly a very low low low risk. But that goes both ways. It's a risk for them to interact with you too. You CAN hurt someone else, right? Even if it's not intentional?
Look into some online "self-help" on CBT (while you wait to get it in person) it might give you a few ideas of how to move forward.
Learn to look at the good, if a negative idea pops in, banish it before it takes root. Take control of your thoughts. It takes work, but it's doable.
And know this, it's not all that uncommon.
A
female
reader, Metobe  +, writes (23 April 2020):
 Dear Allgoodthings, I like you, used to have this anxiety, and still do to some degree but over time, I've found ways to manage my anxiety,and not let it get the best of me and thus selfsabotaging behavior which inevitably lead to failed relationships, although I wouldn't say my anxiety was the main reason why they failed. 1.I write in my journal daily my thoughts feelings etc. This might seem insiginifacnt and silly, but try it, it might work for you. 2.i am a yoga instructor - so yes exercise definitely helps shake our emotions and ground us back when we feel anxiety, so I urge you to keep an at home exercise routine if you can't go out. Yes it's hard socially distancing, but that doesn't mean we need to give up on ourselves.3. Meditation, meditation really does wonders for your mind and body, in my experience it instills confidence withine, and actually acts as a disciplinary on my mind and thoughts. Meditation helped me to understand when my mind was taking me down the rabbit hole of thoughts and worries, there would be like a road block and suddenly I'd notice I was overthinking, and I'd just stop.Doing those things and also seeing a therapist while working on EFT (Google it) might help you calm your anxiety.As for your guy, it is good you are communicating your thoughts and worries to him and he's aware of what you're going though, it's better that way. However work on not allowing your worries to dampen things, reassure your man that you're on the path to working on yourself.Goodluck ??
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (22 April 2020):
 Seek therapy. These are hard times, be cant be your everything. Hes just one man. Hes the boyfriend. Be sweet, fun, loving gf you are. For anxiefy, sadness, insecurities..reach out to your mom, female friends etc. This is what other women are for, we are there to nurture each other. Men are here protect us but not share care like us all time. We cant expect treat him like a gf. Hes your man, be happy hes excellent bf :). Go to your girls for girl time. Trust me, it will help. Also seek online therapy, join online groups help, seek new job, learn new skills, get fresh air. Seek self nurture. We will get thru this pandemic 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): Have you ever had professional help? It does sound to me as if that is something you would benefit from. It does sound exhausting to be worried about a whole range of things that are not a problem. Your boyfriend sounds lovely, I'm sure your take-out food is fine! Obviously therapy might be difficult at the moment unless there's something available online. In the meantime learn to meditate. It calms and centres the mind. There will be tips online if this is new to you. And if you find yourself about to load any of these worries onto your boyfriend...STOP before you do so. Ask him for a cuddle and some affection, if that would calm and reassure you, but don't become an audible stream of worried consciousness. It would be a shame to push him away with your anxiety. I sympathise, I really do, it must be horrible, just try not to make it horrible for your boyfriend. Maybe you would be better off for the moment, not dating until you can get some help. Only you can decide that, but good luck sweetie, whatever you decide.
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