A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:New to DC! Hello everyone. I'm a 56 year old female. Mom to three adult children.(2 kids are in their 30's and youngest is 20) I am divorced since 2000; currently in a long term relationship for 8 years. My current partner and I have always planned to semi-retire and live in another city, when my youngest son was an adult and on his own two feet. The older two kids have their own lives. We all lived in the same city. My partner went ahead of me, to work in another city- I was to go in September 2010. I had to close up shop, make arrangements to sell the house and then I was to leave. My daughter who is 32, and my youngest son (20) decided to buy my home. I sold it to them in Aug 2010. However, we ran into a big family crisis. The youngest son, suffered a serious mental breakdown about this time (we had since found out he suffers with bi-polar/schizo-affective) I put all my 'relocation plans' on hold and I remained with my youngest son, until he was recovered and doing better. For the first 5 months after his breakdown, I was with him 24/7. He was very dependant on me as he couldn't drive, nor could he function, as he was quite sick. He was on serious medications and he needed time to adjust, as this disorder had really impacted his life, at that time. Happily, now 9 months, later, my youngest son had made an astounding recovery! He is self-reliant, happy and getting on with his life. He's back to work, owns a nice home with his sister, and is planning to go to college in the fall. He still is on meds (will be for a long time) and has some minor problems related to his condition, but he is taking complete responsbility for managing his own health, with the supportive care of his doctor and therapists. He is doing very, very well. Confident, he was doing fine, and knowing he needed his own life and independance, I made the move to be with my partner in May 2011. Both my oldest daughter and youngest son were in complete support of this move. The problem is my older son, 30. He has completely disagreed with me moving and relocating. He has cut me out of his life, and will not speak with me. He told me he never 'liked' my partner and resents him and feels like I am selfish for leaving.. He told me that when he gets married next summer (2012) my partner and I are 'not' invited to the wedding. He has told me, if he and hs fiancee have kids, I will 'not' be allowed to see the grandkids. It's been a nightmare! He has told his fiancee horrific untrue things about me, and she doesn't know what to think. Things like: I had an affair when I was married to my ex (his dad)...that I was a terrible, negligent Mother! I was shocked when this got back to me. Of course, the other 2 kids, are completely blown away and upset with all these accusations as they know none of it is true and have tried to reason with my older son. I am heartsick over all of this. I don't know where this even came from? His father (my ex) and I worked hard to be loving, good parents and provide well for our children. My oldest son, never lacked for anything and we supported him in all he accomplished (sports, hobbies and academics) He and I were close until he heard I was 'moving'. Then he changed and shunned me. I have been sending him emails regularily, but he never responds. He was on my facebook, but he blocked me. His fiancee does contact me. I do like her a lot, as she is a lovely, warm person. She has told me that she thinks my older son, is suffering with depression and that is concerning me, after what I saw my youngest son go through with his bi-polar. She also told me, that he was heartbroken when he heard I was movng away and he seemed to withdraw and become embittered. I don't know what I can do to help him. He is having some issues, that are disrupting his life happiness and any suggestions I have, are ignored and cast aside. He won't even speak with me anymore. I have told my ex husband about this and he just doesn't want to get involved. This whole situation is very sad and I am worried about him and stressed! Please help!I just need some advice on where I can go with all this? Does anyone have some kind, words of wisdom? Why do adult children do this sort of thing? Thanks for all your help in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much. In my heart, I know that this is my older son's problem. As parents, we work hard to do the best we can and hope to lead by example. I have been close to all my kids so I do think in his way, he is blocking the pain of me moving away, by behaving like he doesn't give a hoot A bit childish, yes and quite emotionally immature but he deals with it..there is nothing more I can do. I will have to accept this and just leave the 'door open' but boy, this really hurts so bad. I think about this all the time and have spent a lot of time, crying and grieving. Thanks again, to you all...your words all hit home!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Its awful how you give your all to your children, then finally when your lifes your own again - they think you should still be there for them!
I have a similar problem with one of mine, he has never forgiven me for divorcing his dad really. It was a nasty violent break up which I tried to hide from the kids and I have nothing to do with my ex tho he does. The divorce was almost 30yrs ago too
I just carry on with my life and my doors always open - he has come back when in need a few times, but its a strained relationship.
You've done your best by him - now its your turn to be happy, leave lines of communication open and be patient is all I can advise
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (26 July 2011):
I would suggest that you figure out a way to stay close to his wife, and ideally write her (real) letters that she can hold on to and have for her husband when he either bottoms out or starts to come out of this funk.
I would also suggest talking to your ex and seeing if he's willing to reconsider stepping into this discussion.
From your description I have to ask if your partner is a same sex partner and if so, is any of this related to that? I hope that it's not.
It sounds as if your son has personalized your decision and is blocking you to "protect" himself. It's a response likely grounded in a childhood fear, but it's impossible to do anything other than speculate.
Please go on and enjoy your life- he's done this to himself but you need to remain neutral and continue to offer him a way to reverse this.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Don't let your son stop you from living your life. You raised him and gave him everything he needed and you deserve to be happy. He can't be mad because you've decided that you'd be happy elsewhere. He's being childish. Since he won't speak to you, I think the best thing to do is go ahead and live your life and hope that he comes around. If he doesn't, then it's his loss. But he can't and shouldn't hold this against you. You've tried to work this out, but he hasn't, so go on with life and just hope that he comes around. He eventually will. He shouldn't let this stop you from going to the wedding or knowing your grandkids. But he'll eventually come around. Just give him time and keep living your life.
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