A
female
age
30-35,
*heTell-TaleHeart
writes:I'm confused about the guy I've been seeing for the past 5 months.I am twenty, and the guy I have been seeing is 43. I honestly fell in love with him. I can’t stand how much my family is against it, him and I have a lot of things in common. (I know that sounds naive).He broke up with me the first time because he said he has depression, and he didn't want to bring me down. I went off to college and he drove up towards my campus to meet me, and wanted to get back together. So we did.Then I started to get mad because I always do sweet things for him, but he never does sweet things for me. So then he broke up with me again. He told me that he needs to work through his emotions because he's not over his ex. He insisted that we be friends though. He texts me every day and likes me to call him. I don't understand.He is always drinking and taking pills like Ambien, Xanax, and some depression med. I really like him, but I don’t know what I need to do, I can’t talk to my friends and family about it because theyre biased to the situation. He cares so much about the age. He never tried to have me meet his kids, parents, friends. No one. He would change the subject if I brought it up. He used to make jokes about having a baby with me, and so many jokes about the age difference. We talk so much, it’s not all about the sex either, just spending time together. He said I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and I think that’s why he is stringing me along. He saved all of the poems I wrote him in this box. One of them was a poem I ripped up and he taped it together and saved it. I think I love the complexity about him too. I don’t know anyone like him. What do you think he wants? And what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Sweetie, the Guy is using you like a drug to help fill the loneliness of his Ex-companionship- as well as emotionally using you to sate his neediness. He is screaming he is an emotional wreck, he's selfish AND he is suffering depression and on various meds that will need more time to sort out his chemical levels to get him feeling back to 'normal'.He shouldn't be dating anyone if this is how he acts. The behaviours is HORRID and I don't know WHY you are taking on all this crap?To boot hes always drinking- so an alcoholic?What are you seriously some SUPER WOMAN that can fly in and rescue this guy? Is that the attraction? The real reason of falling for this guy with major issues?Healthy, Happy Women do NOT find such a man ATTRACTIVE so what is going on with you to think this is a 'healthy/normal' adjust male that is date worthy?I run at the first whiff of a man with these behaviours/patterns and possible deep seated issues.His life is out of control as are his emotions so EXPECTING him to treat you lovingly, kind, as a friend (which he isnt by the way) is actually UNREALISTIC and UNFAIR of you.Sweets- its time to cut him out and get over him and move.Also, stop the " I Can Rescue/Fix Him" garbage. He's an adult and he needs to do that for himself.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2011):
 I am a huge supporter of age gap relationships if both parties are open honest and healthy.
In this case, I don’t see that here. He is NOT healthy. Not if he’s drinking and taking psychotropic drugs such as Ambien Xanax and an anti-depression medication. Sounds like he has Anxiety and sleep disorders as well as depression. Yes you can make it work with someone at an older age but if they come with baggage (like your guy does) you have to tread lightly and carefully. Is his ex the mother of his children? Were they (or are they married) how long ago did they split? Who left who?
You fell in love with him. What part of him are you in love with? The depressive part? The drinking part? The part where he does nothing SWEET for you? The part where he’s not over his ex, so you get treated like CRAP? (IF he ‘s NOT over his ex he needs to NOT be dating)
He texts and calls you because he knows he owns your emotional ass and you will do what he wants to stroke his fragile broken ego…
EXACTLY what are you GETTING out of this relationship…. Tell me WHY as a MOM I should be accepting of an emotionally disabled 43 year old man emotionally abusing and using my darling 20 year old daughter…
Make the case…. WHAT do YOU think he wants…. I’m not going to tell you what you should do or what I would do… I can’t do that. I can only HELP YOU figure out what you are actually feeling and how to cope with it…
let me ask you this:
do you want to build a life with a man who is probably not emotionally available?
do you want children? at 43 I doubt he wants to start the mess of raising kids all over again... is being childless (except for your partner who is clearly in need of child like nurturing)
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 November 2011):
You really need to find a new guy in your life. This guy just sounds like a waste of time and it will go no where. I don't know why you feel like you need to do something....because he is the problem, not you. You think he will change and get better because of you? IF yes then you may be a little naive like you said eh?
You will waste a lot of time behind this guy and by the time it is over, you will wonder why you wasted so much time behind someone who does not love you.
Wish you strength.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 He doesnt know what he wants, thats the problem! He knows he cannot have a long term relationship with you because of the age, at the end of the day you will want very different things and he knows that. So one part of him is screaming 'she is too young, you cant stay with her'. Then the other part of him is telling him that you are young, gorgeous and interested in him so why on earth would he turn that down. So he is very conflicted and doesnt know what he wants.
Regardless of what he wants though - this relationship IS NOT working and NEVER will. You have broken up twice in the space of 5 months?! That is the biggest red flag I have ever heard, you clearly cant be together otherwise you wouldnt be bickering so much and breaking up all the time. If you are genuinely good together and have potential for the future then you would work through your problems rather than dumping each other at the first chance you get.
He sounds like he is very ill and that isnt going to help the situation, really he needs to deal with his depression before he can think about a relationship. People with depression need to be single in order to deal with their issues rather than using another person to prop them up through the hard times. He is using you and the drugs to try and take the pain away, but it is failing and he is slowly getting worse whilst treating you badly at the same time.
As much as you like him this man is very unstable, it sounds like he is an alcoholic as well as depressed and what he needs right now is for you to leave him so he can deal with these problems. But you have to be the strong one and end it once and for all, he will keep coming back to you and messing you around if you let him.
For his own good you need to cut off contact once and for all, he wants you as his friend because that is the easy option for him - if he needs sex or a bit of female comforting when he is down he knows he has you to fall back on. So you get nothing out of this apart from feeling hurt that you dont know where you stand, whereas he gets to click his fingers and you come running whenever he wants you.
You cannot be friends with an ex who is this mentally unstable, so you need to explain to him that you cannot do this anymore and it is time for you to move on. Tell him that he is not to contact you anymore and he should delete your number. You then need to delete his number, take him off facebook, delete his email...etc. Go cold turkey and then eventually you will get over him.
I promise you this - this is not the right man for you, he is not very well and he needs to be alone, whether he admits it or not that is the right thing to do. Let him go and find someone more suitable, there are plenty more men out there!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (29 November 2011):
 You have been together for 5 months and he has broken up with you 2 times. He has depression, he is not over his ex, he doesn't do anything nice for you and he doesn't want you to meet his friends or family. All are major red flags, including the age gap.
He is playing you. After stringing you along, he has perhaps grown a conscience and told you that he only wants to be friends. He doesn't want a relationship with you; he doesn't want to commit to you; he just wants to be friends. You may be in love with this man, just realize that he does not feel the same way.
As far as why he wants communication with you - well, that's pretty simple. It's hard to go from talking a lot to nothing. Just because he wants to talk to you doesn't mean he wants to be with you. He probably needs someone on the other line to complain and whine to and you're young and naive enough to play the role of friend. And let's not forget, he can always use that friendship line to get sex from you.
If you really want to know what you should do, here it is: cease all contact with this man. He is not your friend and he never will be. Above all, he will never be your boyfriend as he has clearly expressed his disinterest in pursuing a relationship with you. Move on now. 5 months is hardly a long time. You don't want to be put in a situation where this could turn into a FWB deal (AK you being used sexually), or getting dumped a 3rd, 4th, or 5th time.
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