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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I was hurt to see how people mostly think about money...I've alway had complicated relationship with my father and his family. Not to justify him or anything but he's a deeply damaged man. After leaving my mother he never supported me emotionally nor financially. His family never really respected me as his son and never treated me as a family member. But when you're a kid and when you're young you take what they give you. So, when they needed me they'd call and I was happy to be able to feel like I belonged even fopr a little while.They all pretended not to know that my father used to mentally, verbally and physically abuse me. He'd yell at me, insult me and beat me the little time I spent with him. But I LOVED him. I always thought thay he was so smart and funny and best in everything... I know, how stupid was that...Anyway, at some point, I started going to therapy and changed my POV. I don't want to go into that how hard it was to accept that your own father can be jelous of you and even act as if he hated you. Instead of supporting me, my family mostly blamed my wife for what they thought was change for the worse (she encouraged me to seek therapy in the first place). I tried rebuilding my relationships, for some it worked for some it didn't. My father belongs to the latter group.He's very ill now and I called him to give him my support (even if he survives the operation this was my way of saying goodbye trying to have some closure). The first thing he told me was that he had already put everything he had on his second wife's name, because "it's the right thing to do" and he continued to provoke me ending with the most provocative thing of all of how much he loved me. That's his recipe btw ever since I've become an adult and he could not abuse me anymore. He'd provoke an argument and than play the role of the victim and ALL family was always on HIS side... This time I said nothing. I didn't want to upset him and I certanly didn't want to repeat the same toxic pattern.Now I have nothing against him giving everything to someone else money-wise, but some of the things he had given have a great sentimental value for me (not the paintings or the jewelery or furniture... But my grandpa's books, for example) and it really feels awful after all these years not only to know that your own father is indifferent but that he's openly jealous and hateful towards you. I can deal with him alone, but it's still hard for me to have to deal with my family supporting him. What I would like them to say (I'll never have that, I know) is that he has the right to his decisions, but that the way he treats me sucks... I'll get there where I'll either stop caring or cut contact all together, but right now it feels awful to have them treat the situation as if it were completely normal and consider my emotional pain as me being angry I didn't get the money.To make one thing clear... Financially speaking, I have so much more than him (because I worked and not lived off of other people) and whatever he had to leave (the house included) I don't need.It's like being kicked in the guts and being told that it's not happening/doesn't hurt/is normal and that I should take it....Anybody ever had a similar experience or any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): I am the OP.
Thank you so much for your replies.
I do my best to stay focused on the positive things in my life, but sometimes it's hard. This child inside me is hurting and still feels powerless...
I can't change him. I can't change my family members that support everything that he does.
I can change myself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): Im sorry for what your going through. I have not experienced the same thing but i now someone very close to me that has, my mom. Now my mom was physically and mentally abused by both her mom and her dad. Ever today that my mom is 50 she still gets humiliated by her mom and just till a maybe like a 2 years ago her dad too. Now her dad is not dead but he had a heart attack or something and cant talk anymore. anyways my mom started working with her parents a few years ago she would come home crying after work. now one day my mom took my daughter at that time she was 2 to work with her. My mom and my daghter are inseparable. Anyways my grandma was getting AFTER MY DAUGHTER and she hit her in the hand, and that was it thats all it took my mom she grabbed my daghter and came home. After confronting her mom ofcourse. Ever since then my mom doesn't let her mom tell her anything. It took my mom 48 years to tell her mom something but he did. My grandma hasnt changed and my mom doesnt let it get to her anymore she says shes only there now not because she loves her but thats her way of making peace with her before my grandma dies.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 The only advice I have is that not to let him bring you down. He bullied you, he hurt you and you still loved him because you where a child and you wanted to feel his love. Concentrate on your wife now. Your family don't realize the damage your father has done, but the thing is it is not about them picking sides. You need to let go off the hatred and forgive your family for not seeing it the same way as you do. Off course it hurts you, but you need to just let it go. Keep going to therapy and allow your family to have their own opinion. Take control of your life now and be happy with your wife.
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