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Mixed up by his communication

Tagged as: Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I was dating this guy a while back. It's kind of a long story and I guess I just want some opinions on his actions or reasons why.

I had moved to the city for some short term work. We had met at a bar but nothing really went further than that we just exchanged numbers.

Once I moved back to home we began to chat. (how ironic). We eventually started travelling to see each other.

I guess on average it was about one meeting for 2 nights or so each month as we both had busy schedules.

towards the end I missed a flight over and had spend a large amount of money on the flight ( I got caught up in work) and I wasn't willing to spend money on another flight out that night which he was understanding of. fast forward a couple of weeks later work completely took over for me. He was well aware that this would happen as there was a large event over the course of a week that I had to manage and it did in fact take my entire attention. I was finishing up this job at the end of the week and planned to fly over to see him but by the end of it I was so exhausted this did not happen ( bare in mind I had 4 days between two jobs) at this point he kind of cut contact and I totally understand why. my life became revolved around work and I think both of us were finding it difficult being so far away from one another. no hard feelings.

I have thought of him time to time and I really enjoyed the time we spent together and we talked 24/7.

1 month goes by and he messages me out of the blue. I give him a call the next day really excited that he had gotten in contact with me. I had typed out a few messages over the previous week but I was too stubborn to send them, thinking that they wouldn't be received well.

we catch up and I realise how much I had actually missed him.

I let him know and he says that he has thought of me and had seen a future for us while we were talking ( I never wanted to establish that this was an official relationship because of the distance and work I was not ready to 100% commit to it even though I was always faithful) He said that he needed time to think about everything and I asked what his concerns were. He said he is now dating somebody but said it is not at the same level as to what we were.

I got annoyed because the way he worded it was almost as if it was a choice (even though it is a choice he made it sound as if he was just choosing what pair of shoes he preferred)

The next morning I wake up to a message saying - I've thought about it and I hesitate to do the long distance.

I guess my whole question is why did he bother getting in contact with me, saying how he felt about me to then shut everything down? Was he just looking for the last word? We didn't end of bad terms?

what do you think?

View related questions: exchanged numbers, long distance, money

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou know what it sounds to me like he was confused and did not know what he wanted. He obviously was not ready to move on and date another women when he was comparing you both and well he probably wanted to look in and see how you felt also. He probably misses you but he does not miss your work coming first so maybe this was his closure? Either way try not to over think it. You and him are over now so it is best left in the past.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntIt sounds as though he was getting together with you, one last time, to check you out properly and to check things out regarding you and he.

It never should have happened anyway, because he admitted to you that he is seeing a new woman.

Despite his excuses, he obviously chose to be with this new woman and he obviously chose her over you, whichever way you look at it.

You guys had issues to begin with and i guess as you were never 100% committed to him or to being with him, he began to feel the same way about you and came to realise that he'd rather be with somebody who did make time for him.

I guess you should try and place yourself in his shoes.

How would you have liked it, if you had been serious about him and he'd put his work before you, time and time again?

You wouldn't have accepted and handled that well and most, if not all women, wouldn't be able to handle that, so you can understand where he's coming from too.

The big clue for me was when you stated, i did think of him from "time to time".

Women don't think of somebody they're fully committed to and interested in, simply from "time to time".

You've also admitted to being "stubborn" and i guess quite proud and didn't send your texts, when you very well could have acted on them immediately.

Again, this wreaks of a part lack in interest on your behalf.

Kiss this guy goodbye and allow him to move forth with his new partner, whilst you look at moving forward alone, until you are again ready to commit to the right guy and not the wrong.

Also, when he stated that, the level of his new relationship isn't like what you and he shared, this isn't true.

He's only saying that to be polite to you, so as not to hurt your feelings.

If you were so much better than this new woman, then surely he'd be with you now.

He only told you what he knows you'd want to hear.

Think about that.

You're better off alone and happy, than within a relationship and feeling unhappy/stressed because you know within your heart that it's not 100% right.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (12 November 2017):

I don't think it was a last word thing but you have to put things into perspective. You had a big work thing and you prioritized it over your meetings with him. This is totally fine. But it commodifies where he stands with you. This us also fine. If you really care for someone it tends to sit above this level where you'll move heaven and earth to be together. If both of you are on the same page as to where your relationship is in your list of priorities it might work.

This guy weighed up two people instead of job vs person and yet this is seen as ugly. It's basically the same as what you have done, it's just seen in a worse light. Careers are important. Life is lived once. But if it never crossed your mind once to put him before work- he wasn't the right guy anyway. Sleep soundly on the fact it didn't work out.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think he was in a lull. He had nothing "better" going on so he went to the LAST girl whom he had a bond, chemistry with (you) and put feelers out to see if you were interested again. You took the bait and then he might have realized:" wait, this won't really work out..." PLUS he is DATING someone else. Would you like to have a BF who is playing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe which girl to date today?

Usually, the things that make a relationship hard to work in the beginning is what breaks it in the end. You are still mostly focussed on work (which is fine) and neither of you are REALLY interested in full-time relocation for the sake of the other person. It's too big of an investment and too soon.

If I were you I'd WISH him well and then block, remove and move on to someone in your OWN geographical area whom you can spend more time with IN person. Yes, it's LOVELY to have someone to text and chat with but it's NOT a relationship. It's being penpals with occasional meetups for sex/intimacy.

If you can find ONE guy you have this attraction with, you can find another. One closer by. And stick t dating guy who are SINGLE.

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