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Mama's boy won't commit. What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 22 August 2011)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I started off casual 3 1/2 years ago. 6 months after he dropped a bomb and told me he had a gf overseas in his home country. Initially I was shocked but we continued to see one another. Another 6 months went by we were both hooked, but he couldn't bring himself to break up with his gf saying he would see what happened with her. He thought he had owed her that as he had already commenced the process and paper work to bring her from overseas so they could be married. Not to mentioned they were engaged. He just never intended for his feeling for me to develop. 15 months of waiting their relationship finally came to an end and I was no longer the other woman. We since became serious but so many other issues followed.

Issue 1: 8 months after we met he lost his job, he's too laid back and lives in a housing commission apartment with a mother that doesn't encourage him to get a job . Since losing his job he's only managed to get casual job lasting anywhere from 2-4 months at a time bearing in mind he has been unemployed for 12 years out of the last 18 years, and we constantly argue He constantly is tells me he's looking but its always a disappointing result and I fear that that will affect our future together. Most of his day is spent playing Playstation 2, watching porn, playing games on the internet, watching a movie, sleeping in and spending time with him mum and occassionally applying for jobs. I just feel that he is very lazy as he does the bare minimal that is required to look for a job. Part of his difficulty is that he has a criminal record dating back 10 years ago and he spent 4 years in jail for dealing drugs and a lot of employers insist on doing a police check.

Issue 2: He is extremely close to his family especially his mother and constantly reminds me that they are more important than anyone, even above me. He lives at home with his retired mother and she still cooks, cleans and looks after him as well as buying his underwear and clothes. He spends weekends with me but religiously checks in with his mom and rings his mother at least once when he's with me. He loves her so much to the point where he has cried over the thought of her passing and say when she dies he wants to die with her cause he have nothing left to live for. Whenever it comes to important decision making he consults with his female family members, his mum, aunt and female cousin and his sister back home. This is very concerning to me.

Issue 2: I've tried discussing moving in together but he is torn between leaving his mother and being with me. He’s told me after 3 ½ years he’s never given moving in with me or our future much thought even though we’ve discussed it once or twice before. He doesn't want to move in with me but is prepared to do so in order to save the relationship. He is afraid to leave his mother and claims he doesn't want to leave her because she gave him life. And he is all she’s got. He’s father is overseas with his sister and he was brought up by his mother and came to Australia from his home country when he was in his early teens. I believe he is in a Mother-son enmeshment and I’m wondering whether he’s worth the heartache and tears. His mother and I get along quite well and I would like to keep it that way.

Issue 3: Since before I knew him he has made a habit of going back home overseas to his home country every 2 years for 3 months at a time and spends his time staying with his sister and his father. Since we met he’s been overseas 2 years ago and for me it was tough but I held on. Before leaving on his trip he promised me that the next time he would go back home to visit would be after 4-5 years, knowing how hard it would be for me, however shortly after returning from his last holiday he was quick to tell me that he planned to go again 2 years down the track. There was no thought given to asking me what I thought or if I minded he go again so soon without me again and that caused a lot of tension between us. I didn’t want him to go so the only way I could overcome losing him for another 3 months was to agree to meet him over so we could travel together for 1 month of the 3. That took quite a lot of convincing from my part but eventually he agreed to it. As a result of this overseas trip it has now delayed the time it will take for us to move in together. Initially it was to be as soon as we got back from overseas but now he’s decided because he still doesn’t have a job and wants to continue living with his mom a little long he has told me that he wants and extra 6 – 12 months so he can save to move in with me.

As a result of living at home with his mother, barely ever having a job, having a criminal record and not wanting to move in together some of the following are also concerning to me. He gets drunk every Friday night and can be quite careless, cocky and nasty, loves watching porn (when I’m not around), likes chatting to women on the net when he’s bored, is very stingy with money, never calls me, we just communicate on msn, rarely sends me an sms to ask how my day is going, never tells me he loves me, we haven’t discussed the future until very recently, he doesn’t have many friends, I can count on one hand how many times he’s shouted me out anywhere, he has a bad attitude when he has a job, constantly seeks approval on decisions from his family members, constantly giving me excuses as to why he can’t get a full time job.

On the bright side, he’s kind, considerate at times, cares for my well being like when I’m sick or I need to keep to appointments or deadlines he ensure that I don’t forget. Loves going anywhere I want to go and accompanies me everywhere, he’s very affectionate, spends every weekend with me, communicates openly, is not afraid of confrontation, works hard to improve himself, loves helping me with the cooking, does the odd house chore, always will to work things through, won’t give up on us without a fight and Sex is brilliant.

As a result of all the above I have suggested to him that we seek counselling, asked that we move in together and asked him to postpone his holiday for another year so we can sort our relationship out and put more focus on creating a future together by moving in. He got back to me and told me he was prepared to go to counselling and move in together but not to postpone his holiday. Going by our previous history I’m afraid he won’t follow through and it’s all about him. I waited for him on so many occasions and always put my wants and needs aside because It was always about him meanwhile I was living in hope that eventually we would be able to plan a future together but I’m afraid to wait any longer and being disheartened once again. For the first time in our relationship I’m asking him to wait for me till the following year so we can travel together as I’ve haven’t been at my current job for that long and I’m not sure they’ll give me the entire month off, so if he decides he doesn’t want to I’m thinking of pulling the plug. I’ve spent 3 ½ years waiting and I’m sick of the waiting game. We don’t seem to be a priority to him and on my part I’m always putting us first. Am I being selfish? Am I asking to much of him? Is it wrong to want to live with him when he’s so attached to his mother? I love him dearly and he does have some good qualities but at the same time I don’t want to be a door mat and waste my life. Please help with some direction. What should I do.



View related questions: cousin, drugs, drunk, engaged, in jail, lives at home, living at home, lost his job, money, msn, porn, the internet, underwear

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011):

Thankyou for you comments..You're so right, it shouldn't be this complicated and in the end I feel myself accomodating him all the time. We had such strong chemistry and so many social likes in common, it's so hard to part with someone you have fun with and invested so much time into. Having said that, I know it became routine and I'm putting myself 1st. It's been a couple of weeks since with split, emotionally and mentally it has been turbulent but I know time will heal everything. Thankyou for your input

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011):

Hey i completely understand what you are going through because i am going through the same situation. They make you feel so connected and safe with them but truelly their are still a lot of wrong habits with them. It seems like you are always putting in the effort of trying to contact him where it should be a balanced relationship. My advice would be to move on because if its meant to be then it should come easy and not be a constant struggle. Wish you the best!

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A female reader, Tbosse South Africa +, writes (10 August 2011):

Tbosse agony auntMomma's boy??, im sorry but it seems as if he'll never commit.if he does, you'l always come second.move on!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011):

Overseas relationships are more trouble than they are worth steer clear

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (9 August 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntSorry but I have to advise you get a new boyfriend, this one sounds like a pain in the ass. Once a momma's boy, always a momma's boy.

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