A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I have been having threesome's and I have been letting him sleep with other women. I don't really have a problem as long as I am involved... he doesn't feel comfortable letting me sleep with other men which is annoying and stressful but my real problem comes up when he is sleeping with other women solo. I'm still in the house, sometimes in the room, but not involved at all. I'm confused and don't know what to do. My biggest problem is that we recently involved my bff who is straight so I haven't been involved at all. I love them both so much that I am afraid to voice my feelings. I don't want to upset either of them and my friend is going through a messy divorce right now... how can I ask them to stop without upsetting them? Should I just suck it up for now?
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divorce, fiance, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I'm afraid I am confused as to who is hurting who here because you seem unhappy but then you might hurt your boyfriend and your friend if you admit it? Blimey - isn't there enough sex going around already are you worried that a day without it might create a major falling out?! ... it strikes me this is about greed. You all sound incredibly self focused to me. Sorry if that is offensive I am hoping you take a step back and look at this for what it is. There is more to life than the mess you have created.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I have no experience with threesomes. What I've gleaned from this site is that you need to have impeccable communication, complete trust and the ability to call it quits when things aren't going well. I'm not seeing those 3 key components in your post.
You basically wanted threesomes to explore your bi side. This was altered and rationalized and manipulated to the point where your fiancee enjoys an open relationship while you are confined to sex with a woman with him only. You aren't "permitted" to have sex with another man in the threesomes nor can you have sex with another man outside the relationship. An open relationship is one in which both partners can have sex outside the relationship.
You fear "upsetting" them by expressing your discomfort at the arrangement.
You have to decide if you are really up for this relationship with your fiancee as you don't seem able to express your feelings.
Yes, you may have asked for a threesome. I don't read that you agreed to a relationship in which he's essentially free to sleep with women. Even if you did say explicitly that this was okay for the moment doesn't lock you into this situation forever.
"Dear fiancee and BFF, I've come to realize that I'm not comfortable with this situation. I didn't actually agree to an open relationship/I'm not happy with the imbalance/I'm losing trust/I'm unhappy."
Speak your truth and for heaven's sake, if you can't do that safely with the man and woman you are presumably closest to then you need to take some big steps back and revisit the entire situation.
You have our permission to express your discomfort and unhappiness to them.
You are allowed to have feelings and to change your mind.
I don't think you are really equipped for this type of arrangement if you can't speak up and express your feelings.
Good luck finding that courage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): You both made a poor choice and this WILL ruin your friendship and probably your relationship - now you just need to go with your gut.
Do you WANT to be completely, 100% committed to each other? A marriage (in itself) only has room for two people - a couple is two, a pair, not a three or more.
There will be a point where you'll have to get serious because if he's slightly homophobic, there is NO way he'll EVER let you have a guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was my idea to bring other women into the bedroom, not his. There have been other women involved besides my bff and I had no problem with them. I am bisexual and the previous girls were as well. My fiancee is straight to borderline homophobic so we are working on bringing in other men but it just hasn't happened yet. My big problem is that because my bff is straight and I have known her since the day I was born things are uncomfortable but I don't know how to talk to her without sounding like a bitch. My fiancee is more understanding but is not ready to surrender me to another man because he would not want to be involved or present. He is a truly wonderful man, he just gets creeped out by other men. My question is how do I either tell my bff that I don't want her involved or get my man to be more Ok with me having someone to myself. Keep in mind this was all my idea and I made a poor choice with involving my friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was my idea to bring other women into the bedroom, not his. There have been other women involved besides my bff and I had no problem with them. I am bisexual and the previous girls were as well. My fiancee is straight to borderline homophobic so we are working on bringing in other men but it just hasn't happened yet. My big problem is that because my bff is straight and I have known her since the day I was born things are uncomfortable but I don't know how to talk to her without sounding like a bitch. My fiancee is more understanding but is not ready to surrender me to another man because he would not want to be involved or present. He is a truly wonderful man, he just gets creeped out by other men. My question is how do I either tell my bff that I don't want her involved or get my man to be more Ok with me having someone to myself. Keep in mind this was all my idea and I made a poor choice with involving my friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): That's why people invented monogamy. It may require you to supress & control your sexual urges but it sure beats all painful entanglements.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): He doesn't feel comfortable with you sleeping with other men?!!! This guy is all about control. I think you have your answer right there. Huge red flag. His way or the highway. I'd show him the highway myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Yeeesh what a mess. What is it in you that makes you put up with this situation? Don't you want a loving relationship built on respect? It is far from acceptable - especially the elements where you are not involved at all or in the same room. At what point is this cheating? My concern is less for the relationship you are in but more for the next man you will want to be with and who will only want sex with you, perhaps even want a family with you, within an exclusive relationship. How will that work now? the first step is to be honest with yourself - if you are unhappy that is your answer. A relationship should NOT make you this unhappy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): I forgot to add.... Who's great idea was it to add a STRAIGHT girl in the mix who would ONLY have sex with a man and NEVER be comfortable involving you?! That's another reason threesomes fail. For it to work, you all need to be bisexual, so you both get the girls and the guys without being left with nothing.
So, for your own sanity, please ditch them both and run.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I hope you realize by now how fucked up this entire situation is and that things are possibly irreparably damaged. If you still think, that you want to give it a shot, then here's my advice for you.
Put an end to this threesome business immediately. Threesomes can very easily go wrong and in your case, they have. There are no boundaries anywhere and your boyfriend is basically screwing your best friend while IN YOUR PRESENCE!!
I've been on DC for a good few years now but never heard of something this crazy! And you're SCARED to bring it up? For what? For fear of upsetting the apple cart? For fear of hurting your friend when she gives a damn about your feelings and has no qualms sleeping with your B/f?
You don't "suck it up", you demand for boundaries because this seems like crazy world! No one does something this blatant and shocking! Your boyfriend is having the time of his life! He has you, he has numerous other women, he's seemingly not cheating on you and hence has no guilt because you agreed to this bizarre arrangement and he's exposing you to God knows what diseases!
For heaven's sake just put an end to this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This whole situation is crazy. I think it's time to put a stop to it and to find a real friend and another bf/fiance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): I think you need to insist on bringing another guy home. You are letting him do exactly what he wants, maybe he thinks you enjoy watching but really you need to express your wishes.
This probably will end with none of you being friends but enjoy while you can, or leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This is why threesomes ruin relationships:
- you bring people you know into it (which equals a ruined relationship and friendship)
- you don't communicate that you must BOTH get what you want (like you not being allowed to sleep with other guys but he can sleep with other girls)
- you don't have the "balls" to stand up for yourself when he no longer cares what you want (if he did, he would allow you to be with other men)
That said, threesomes are destructively bad ideas 98% of the time. Did you research the risks beforehand? This is one of them and usually ends in a break up because he won't stop wanting it, nor will he ever be happy with just you or you sleeping with other guys.
Forget them both and run!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Grow some balls and tell them you are not happy with the situation, why is your being unhappy less important than making sure your supposed best friend isn't upset and your selfish arse of a fiancé, who is quite happy to bring other women home and screw them silly in front of you but doesn't "feel comfortable' with you screwing other men ...
WHAT THE HELL??
Tell them it you don't like it, and are not going to accept it any more. Tell them to both get the hell out of your house and you don't want to see either of them again.
It is obvious that this is not your preferred lifestyle, so don't accept it any more. Let us know how you get on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): How can you do that? How can you let your man sleep with another woman? Just the thought of the man I'm in love with being intimate with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel like I could puke. I don't see how you do it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 July 2014):
Jesus, you need to stop being afraid and speak up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): You should really rework the parameters of this deal because he's the only one benefiting from it. He's having his cake and eating it too, while you sit there and listen to him bang your best friend. You need to put and end to this and draw CLEAR boundaries in which NEITHER one of you will cross. If you can't sleep with other men solo, then he can't sleep solo with other women PERIOD. Don't let him take advantage of you like this because your resentment will only grow.
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