A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey guys I am just going to give you a brief background before telling you the issue. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years we have been living together 6 months and have recently bought a puppy together...you'll see why this information is important nowalmost 3 weeks ago my mum had an accident, she's broken both her arms and her foot, one if her arms is disabled now, she had to have an operation and she now can't move her arm or feel her fingers...the doctors have said there is nerve damage and they can't see the feeling coming back....anyways my mum rang me today (she's still in hospital) saying that she may come home in a week but she needs to borrow our electric reclining chair ( she gave us the chair when we moved in together) and I was happy saying of course thankful that she is able to come homeI then texted my boyfriend letting him know about my mum and the chair....about half hour later he rang me saying that he hasn't got the money to pay for it to be moved and arguing that it's hard work to get the chair there, i didn't know what to say I never asked him for money to move it! I just said my mum is asking if she can borrow the chair until she's able to walk again we argued back and fourth he rang me again and i lost it started crying telling him that I need his support I don't want money and I'll pay whatever it is to move it, he repeated again that she can have the chair but he's not paying for it to be moved! again I never asked for money, I just let him know that she needs the chair because she can't move i just saw him briefly because he was taking the puppy home from my dads house but he barely looked at me was really rude and just took the dog and left we rarely argue and this has really hurt me as it's my mum all I want is his support I don't expect anything elsedo you guys think I'm over reacting? I did shout at him on the phone! do you think he's being insensitive! I won't be seeing him til 9 now as I'm down the hospital for a couple of hours sorry that it's long
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 All what Janniepeg says, plus,.. there can be something much simpler.
You did not ask him.
That's not YOUR own electric chair ( electric chair ? it sounds bad ,lol ) . It belongs to you and him, it's his also. I don't think he'd really be such a heart of stone to deny a furniture item loan to an invalid family member who needs it, but I am pretty sure he resented that you were happy saying " of course ".
" Of course " is not the correct answer, when you co- own items. The right answer is " I'll ask Bill- I am sure he does not mind !, but let me check first ".
Petty ? territorial ? perhaps. Points of view. The fact is , though, that people have the RIGHT to be territorial about their stuff. I think you'd want to be asked first if he wanted to lend your ( i.e., belonging to both )
puppy for the weekend to a friend of his, even if you loved the friend, and had nothing against letting him have the puppy on principle.
As for the cost of moving the chair,.. maybe that's another thing that you haven't quite thought through ? IF when you went to live together you also decided to merge finances and manage the household jointly.
It's an EXTRA budget expense anyway, and it's not even for yourself, but for a relative of yours. You might be paying it out of your own pocket, but if you have joint finances , it's an household expense. Again, I don't think he'd really be such a meanie to veto this very legitimate request, but may be he wanted to be ... not asked " permission " , let's say... but consulted ? informed ? ..not just being TOLD that's how it's going to be.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 No you were not overreacting and he was insensitive but I think he would come around and apologize after he calms down. My current boyfriend is the caring type. He would pray for me even when I had a flu. Contrasting with my ex who would feel uncomfortable if he was not the centre of attention. Even my ex would not argue like this. I think people who resent helping others have issues. Maybe they were brought up thinking that it's a sacrifice of personal time to help others. It's obligation to help but it's an oppression to personal freedom. Maybe his mom/dad generously helped people on the outside then secretly felt resentful on the inside. People like that help out, but then make others feel guilty afterwards.
Your boyfriend exaggerated the amount of trouble involved with the chair and panicked on not knowing what to do. He blamed you for having such a hard time. He automatically thought you were dumping a responsibility on him and would make him a failure if he couldn't accomplish a task. Maybe he was given harsh words when growing up when he didn't know or couldn't do something.
You two had different backgrounds. He was reacting to fear and you were also reacting to his lack of empathy. He was wrong for arguing without knowing all the facts but it helps if you both can learn sympathy and compassion. Socially he is lacking something so be patient with him. He's too preoccupied with the chair that he had trouble relating to what you need, and whether your mom feels ok.
Every time you state something, it helps to get to the point, what is it you need from him. You need support. This is primary. And then getting the chair is just information and what he chooses to do is voluntary. It's unfortunate you can't just speak what's on your mind and have to prepare for a conversation which doesn't trigger his anxiety. Also tell him this. You can't predict what he's going to think so he has to learn to listen and clarify what is it you need, instead of assuming so quickly.
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