A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused32571
writes:Hi,I am in a quandary. My long-term girlfriend just broke up with me because I have not proposed. I don't know what to do. Here is the background:I am 48 years old, never married. I have been dating a woman, now 46, also never married, since January of last year. We had been talking a lot about marriage since early this year. She has been pushing me to propose for several reasons.First, she wants to try and have a baby. The gynecologist told her that she has a .5% chance of conception given that she is overweight and is 46, but she wants to try anyway. Even in order to have that small chance at conception, she will need an operation to remove uterine fibroids (growths on her uterus.) (Neither of us would have a child without marriage given our religious beliefs.) She also has to make decisions about whether to renew her lease, apply for a more demanding position or not (which she might not do if we were to have a child), and basically plan her life.She is a court referee (which is like a judge) and makes $125,000/year. I am a social worker and until April was making $55,000/year. She is smarter and more accomplished than me. However, she is also kind, thoughtful and sweet, which is why I am so drawn to her. In April, I was fired from my job. I had worked at this agency for more than 10 years. I had a supervisor who did not like me and by all accounts was looking for reasons to let me go. I have been trying to find a similar job for the last four months without luck. This has gotten me very depressed and discouraged. On top of this, the bitter experience from old job has me questioning whether I even want to remain in this field, and I have been considering a career change. On top of this, my mother recently had hip surgery, and I, as an only child, have been helping to take care of her.All of this has impacted my mood. While my girlfriend has been very supportive, she has still been pushing me to get engaged. "You can still look for a job once we are married," is her argument. "I will support us." While I know she is right, emotionally I have resisted, and told her flatly on Wednesday that I cannot get married now, as I am in too much emotional turmoil and confusion about what to do next. I fear once we are engaged, we will be too busy for me to even have time to find a job or start a new career path. Also, I have a deep fear of being dependent upon someone else. I told her I did not want her to support me as I felt it infantilizes me. I had already been feeling that the relationship is not so balanced because of her intelligence and her status in life. So on Wednesday she told me cannot see me anymore and has to make plans for herself without me. She cannot wait any longer. I asked if we could talk and she said she would have to think about it. She was curt and short and cold. So. Thanks for reading up to here. My question is:Do you think I am being selfish/cowardly/too OCD about not wanting to get married while feeling so low about my job situation (which is impacted as well by taking care of my mother)? Or do you think she should understand and allow me the time to find a job - even though she has to make major decisions about her life and my dithering is holding her back?I welcome all feedback. Thanks again.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 August 2019):
 1) If you can't afford a child with a six figure income you will never afford a child.
2) If a man has never committed to marriage by 48 years old, he will never commit to marriage.
3) If a woman has not had a child by 46, she will never have a child.
Your Ex is having some trouble accepting obvious truths. You are having some trouble asserting yourself. I would suggest that you get one of these books. and use some of your down time to improve yourself.
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
Hold on to Your NUTs by Wayne Levine
Move your job search out of the big city and find a position in a more rural environment at least 2 hours away from your mother.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 August 2019):
 Feelings are feelings. There is no right or wrong as far as feelings go in this situation. You feel the way YOU do, while she feels the way SHE does.
I think you need to realize that her having a better paid job than you does not make her superior or "more intelligent". I mean, she MAY be more intelligent, but that does not automatically come with having a better paid job. She is possibly more driven, more determined, more focused. She is not necessarily more intelligent just because he earns bigger bucks.
It's a shame you find her high salary so intimidating. While I can TOTALLY understand your fear of being dependent on someone financially, you seem to almost be holding her salary against her. You fell for the PERSON she is. She would still be the same person if she worked a job on minimum wage. Stop being intimidated by what she earns. That is not who she is. It doesn't sound like she held what YOU earned against you, so what right do you have to do that to her?
While she sounds like she knows what she wants out of life and focuses on getting it, you sound like you are floundering completely at the moment. You can't seem to make a decision about ANYTHING, so I am not surprised her pressuring you to get engaged pushed you over the edge (because that was just one more decision you couldn't make).
I think your only realistic chance of winning her back is to show her that you are getting your life back in order. You need to decide what you want to do about your career. DO you want to stay in the same field? WHY do you want to change paths? Is it just because you met one boss who did not like you? Do you usually enjoy your job? What else would you LIKE to do? What qualifications would you need to obtain to get into that field?
Next you need to decide whether you actually want to hold onto this lady. She has a limited window in which to try for a baby. This is non-negotiable if she is determined to try to have a child. If this is not what you want too, then you need to let her go so she has a chance of finding someone who is on the same page as she is. If it IS what you want, then you need to get your head sorted, stop being too proud to accept any help and get on with it. Perhaps you could agree to her temporarily supporting you financially while you gain new qualifications, on the understanding you will repay her once you get your new job? Would that he acceptable to you? After all, she earns more than a lot of couples put together. You need to see that as a privilege and advantage, not a threat.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2019):
 What exactly would you be "too busy with" when engaged that you can't look for jobs? That makes no sense~!
You ARE not MORE likely to get a job as a single man as you are as a married man.
HOWEVER, I do understand that you don't want to start your marriage being a financial burden on her.
She doesn't. Because it's NOT as important as getting married and working on her goal, which is having a family.
I don't think you can do anything BUT keep looking for a new job, and RESPECT that she has made the choice to move on.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 August 2019):
 Hello.
Put your career out of your mind. Do you love this woman? Do you want to keep her in your life? She is slipping away and perusing her life goals, so if you want her you will have to move fast. Decide what is most important. Your career situation and plans to change career or you love relationship.
She has told you she wants a child and is determined to try to concieve despite the odds. That is her goal. She has told you she is willing to support you whole she tries for a baby and you try for a career change. This is a good deal. To me, it seems to be your pride and ego preventing you from accepting this deal. You want to gain a secure carerr before perusing a family with this woman and you do not want to depend on her for this.
But she is a financially secure, older woman. She knows that her window of opportunity to have her own child is quickly closing. So that is her main goal. If you want to be with her you will have to put your career goals aside and support her in this decision and help her have a family. Otherwise, separate and persue your change of career by yourself I your own time. If you want this relationship you will have to make this choice now.
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