A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been considering this a lot...I was thinking a hookup would be a good idea. I like the idea because I don't want to be romantic with the guy or see him again. BUT everyone says it's a horrible idea to have a hookup to lose your V card and you basically get traumatized by missing him too much. I don't want to know him first because I don't want things to go where I fall in 3 or at least really like him, and then later I find out who the real person is. Which he could even be nice but we still may break up. So...I feel like a hookup would avoid drama and not make my V card into this whole hyped up idea.I don't want to associate my first sex with a guy's personality...if that makes sense. I just want to get in bed and tell him what I need, and go from there. Also, I won't be drunk I'll be sober...Thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): I'm curious. Why are you in a rush to lose your virginity?
Is it because your friends aren't virgins?
In my opinion you are more likely to enjoy your 1st time with a committed partner. It would be safer too.
A bad experience may affect your sex life for a long time; it's true that you aren't guaranteed a good time with a bf, but it's a lot more likely!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Nobody mentioned sexual assault or rape. We mentioned that he might not be up for doing specifically what you want him to do. Unless he forces you to do something or does not stop when you say no then he is doing nothing wrong. Sweetie you don't sound mature enough to become sexual yet. You have a very black and white picture off the world and a very unhealthy attitude towards relationships. Have you been hurt? Saw someone close been hurt? Why the negativity on relationships? If you want to hook up with some one that is your choice, for it being your first time I think you will regret it. Again your choice. Glad you are on the pill and thinking about condoms, but have you thought about the risk of STI's with a total randomer? As am sure if you get someone wanting to hook up with you then he does not see sex as something meaningful either and could have been with x amount off girls meaning he could be carrying something. Condoms don't protect you from everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): "Thanks for your responses, but I just have not seen worse consequences from hookups than I have from bfs, in real life."Some botched surgeries can hurt you as badly as a car accident. But that isn't a reason to go crash your car instead of bothering to search out a good surgeon when you need something done. What I am trying to say is that boyfriends can at least potentially be a better situation than a random hookup. Sometimes a lot better.At your age you are seeing some of the worst relationships you ever will. If you use even a few scraps of common sense about picking a BF (like, say, someone who doesn't leave you pissed off every 2 hours) then that already puts you above a lot of your peers. Its not a very high bar to shoot for and the benefits can be great.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 You're not ready, OP - not just because you're aiming for a hook-up, but because you have such a negative view of relationships. Until you see that doing a hook-up to avoid the potential disappointment of a bad boyfriend is somewhat irrational, you're not ready for sex.
Sure, some boyfriends suck, but you're supposed to wait until you know, love and trust him. You won't get that with a hook-up. People are more likely to regret a hook-up than sex in a relationship that, for an unrelated reason, didn't last forever.
Hanging out a few times beforehand is a good idea, but you also need them to get tested for STDs; a condom won't stop all of them and you won't always see symptoms.
Also, the only time it would be assault is if you ask/tell him to stop and he doesn't. Him not fulfilling your needs isn't assault, unless you decide to stop completely and leave, but he won't let you - you really don't want to risk that situation, though.
Not all relationships are healthy, but a random hook-up with a stranger (which is what he'd be, even if you met up a couple of times) is just too risky for most responsible people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): I forgot to say thay I'll use condoms in case anyone mentions that...based on how the comments have been.I love the idea of a hookup too because there's no pressure. If we go out on our pseudo date I can just have fun. I don't have to think about impressing him or having to see him over and over. I can say what I want and not feel nervous too much. I don't have to worry about his family or friends. I think it could be nice. That's why I wanted to ask to get tips...you guys definitely convinced me I need to sit down with him first and do this sober. I intended it that way but now I really want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): This thread is almost old...but, to clear things up...I was insulted in how they said what they did, not directly. I think that's obvious to anyone who reads the responses. Anyway, the vast majority of highschool girls don't get pregnant. I'm also out of highschool and also on the Pill. I know there's no guarantees but many women rely on the Pill obviously.But no...I was planning on hanging out with the guy at least a few times first...I wasn't going to go on Tinder or even if I did we could hang in person and talk first.I may as well mention that if a guy completely refuses to listen to me then he's starting a war for himself. He'll be reported...although not sexual assault since I heard a lot of those cases don't end well for victims, but assault for sure.But...I haven't heard from anyone when the guy totally refuses to listen. I've heard of horrible guys who say mean comments or they try to pressure her and things may get physical a bit, but not any that directly even sexually assaulted her, let alone rape.IDK why you guys all ignore the fact that bfs can do the same things that you're saying hookup guys can do. I don't see hookups as having more risk at all...I'd put more time into getting what I want from a hookup by talking to him, vs romanticizing a bf and then he turns out to be bad. At least if a hookup is bad, I won't have romanticized him...that was the whole point of this question.Thanks for your responses, but I just have not seen worse consequences from hookups than I have from bfs, in real life.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 October 2016):
Nobody is insulting you, you asked the question you should be open to what people are saying to you, nobody is being rude, everyone is just concerned about your point of view. Probably because most have experienced sex and they don't want you to be hurt or to feel neglected and regretful. I am sure plenty will hope they are wrong in your case, but statistically speaking women more than men attach feelings to sex, especially there first time. You will do as you please anyway, but you asked for advice and that is what we are giving you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 October 2016):
If people are saying your viewpoint is naive, it should be considered as possible, not an insult.
Guy or girl, regardless of age, I'd be suggesting waiting for someone you care about who cares about you. I said nothing about someone with experience, just someone you trust and have a deep connection with.
For most people, the thing that makes sex great is in the connection, not the actions. Sure, the body might get aroused by it, but you don't gain anything emotionally with a hook up, yet you do risk damaging your emotional/mental state and getting an STD.
Do what you want, but not with a stranger - if you're mature enough to have sex, you need to be responsible enough to make sure:
• the person gets checked for STDs first (as in, since you ask them, not a week before or anything because they could have had sex with someone since),
• you are on birth control consistently for at least a few months before and during the hook up,
• you always use condoms that are in date,
• you tell a friend where you are and give them the guy's name and number, as well as where you will be and how long you'll be there for,
• you get tested after the hook up,
Those are only a few of the things that are necessary.
Going through with it would be a terrible idea, but you seem determined to ignore the advice given, as it doesn't fit your idea of what will happen.
I wish you good luck with your decision and stay safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): I don't think anyone that has so far replied to your question was trying to insult you. They were just giving you their opinion based on their sexual experiences, along with their reasoning, which is what you asked for - isn't it? If you think it's such a great idea ignore it all and do as you please; it's your life. However, if you were sure that it was the right thing for you then I think you would have done it already - wouldn't you? You clearly have doubts.I don't think losing your virginity has to be a big thing. The first time I had sex I can barely remember now. It wasn't that great though as I was quite nervous, didn't know quite what to do and didn't really enjoy it. I did know the boy well though as I couldn't have contemplated doing it with a stranger. No, a man that doesn't care about your needs isn't assaulting you. Why would you think that? He's just thinking about what he likes, not you. A stranger is less likely to want to spend the time getting you really aroused or getting you off. He also might say something less than complimentary about your performance given your inexperience. I'm guessing you've been very hurt by men in the past as you seem to have a very low opinion of them. Most men aren't abusers (it's extremely rare) and why is there a good chance a guy you know won't care about you enjoying it? From my experience I'd say the opposite. I suggest you put off losing you virginity until you are at least a bit older and can make a more informed judgement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 October 2016):
 OP statistics show that 80% of females regret their first time and bare 40% of men do.
Why do you think that is? Maybe because it IS more common for a young girl/woman to have sex before she is ready, emotionally at least. And perhaps because girls/women quite often attach feelings with sex. The latter you will have NO idea about till after you have sex.You might have this totally casual approach in your mind, but that doesn't always translate to reality.
Same goes for your notion or fantasy, that you will TELL him what to do and he will just do it.
You are asking people who DO NOT know you, your situation and your real motivation for advice on this, and you don't like the advice given. That's OK, you DO you. It's your life.
I would actually advise the same to a young man as I have to this OP. Sex is not sharing a slice of pizza.
STD's/STI's are UP. CRAZY up. Thankfully as a teenager you CAN get vaccinated against HpV but it actually takes a couple of years of build up (and follow up shots) for it to work. HVP is not a small matter. If you are lucky... and "only" get the genital wart version, and you are not vaccinated... but what if you get the "other" kind? The one that can cause cancer etc? About 14 million people, including teens, become infected with HPV each year. 14 million. Using a condom doesn't STOP this virus. Each year there's probably 20 million new cases of STD's in the United States and a LOT of those are now in the younger part of the population.
A guy can tell you, I have been tested and I'm clean... THERE is no screening for men when it comes to HPV. Or he refuses to use a condom. Oh, I KNOW how to pull out in time.
I get that you want to have sex and you want to be over the whole "virgin" thing. But having sex with someone you don't know puts you at risk, in more ways than one.
Are you in birth control?
Do you know how to put on a condom correctly?
Can you talk face to face with an almost stranger ( and I don't mean online like this post) about sex?
What do you think your mom would advise you?
Do you think if you have sex you will someone change?
Being a "virgin" ONLY means inexperience. Nothing more. Which is quite the norm for a young person. It doesn't have an expiration date.
I have 2 daughters in High School, the younger had a classmate who go knocked up last year, the first time she had sex with a guy she "hooked up with". She is now a dropout teen mom. HE (the sperm donor) is not in the picture, though his PARENTS pay the child support. I have a niece who is now 24, who also "hooked" up with a guy and well, now she has a 6-year-old daughter and a dude who BARELY pays child support, who has never seen his kid.
I know the "hook up" culture of your generation of Tindr/Grindr whatever apps sees sex as no big deal and I don't entirely get it. Maybe it's a generation gap there, maybe it's because I have life experience and try hard to use common sense to answer questions.
No one here is trying to slap on a chastity belt on you, OP - we are trying to make you think and consider your choice (s). Does that mean you are wrong and we are right? Nope. It just means we have BEEN there - DONE that and seen, lived and experienced a lot more than you - so our viewpoint may vary from yours.
Like every poster has said, DO what's right for you. It's your life.
When you ask strangers online for advice, you will get a PERSONAL response that probably will differ from that of your peers. You can take that advice or leave it. That is how life works.
You make YOUR decisions, YOUR mistakes, YOUR lessons and YOUR choices. We (the aunties and uncles on here) answer based on OURS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): I don't think I deserve to be insulted. Lots of highschoolers have hookups all the time...they obviously aren't experienced. I know a girl on here posted about that, but I'm talking about situations where everyone is the same age.And I agree with the male anon. If he's really experienced or even just depending on his personality, there's a good chance he'll not give a crap either. Having a bf doesn't guarantee anything. Many women are abused in even longterm relationships. Or not even abused, they just have immature bfs who don't really care what they want in bed, even if he's been with her a long time.I'm curious too, why the 2 guys who commented are more open minded then all of the females. It's not like this is a silly question, I've put a lot of thought into all of this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): Kind of interesting how as a girl you get told to wait for a guy in a relationship or for one who knows what hes doing. Most likely a guy "who knows what hes doing" will be super experienced with many women and you may be just another tally. If that doesnt bother you, do as you please.
Curious to hear what the advice would be if you were a guy your age.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 October 2016):
I am sorry OP but I think you are being naive here, you have a image in your head, but if you are going to hook up with some random guy, he is going to want to have sex with you, not listen to what you want, he will do it his way, he won't care about what you like or need. It is like a fairytale in your head but in reality it won't go like that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): Hook ups are for the sexually experienced. Someone that knows what they like, what turns them on and what they aren't prepared to do. Its also important to be able to read the other person in a sexual way.I don't know how much experience you have but as a virgin you WON'T know what you want or need exactly and if your with a complete stranger what they like or might want to do with you.It could all go south very fast (pardon the pun) if he's not enjoying it, you're not enjoying it or he wants to do stuff you're not sure about. He may not be patient or kind to you during or afterwards. He won't consider your feelings the way someone that cares about you will.Doing anything for the first time is anxiety inducing and nerve-wracking.You wouldn't get a complete stranger to accompany you to a new job or a hospital appointment you'd pick someone you knew and trusted so why chose a stranger to lose your virginity?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): After reading your post I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I am speechless. The fact that you are thinking like this at all tells me you have a lot of growing up to do before you have sex...WITH ANYONE. If you think that you can pre-empt every situation in life and manipulate it so that you won't get hurt, there'll be some very big surprises along the way.And the fact that you want to avoid being hurt by doing something that will more than likely hurt you (emotionally and physically)much more than by losing your virginity to someone you love???It sounds like you've seen too many silly films or read sexy books when you refer to 'sexy whispers'. This is all in your imagination. How it pans out will not necessarily be up to you. This is a serious possibility. A man who does not know you or care about you, may not care that he's ripping your vagina during intercourse, that you're screaming with pain, or any other terrible scenarios!!It may be as you imagine, sexy whispers and all, but then again it may be VERY VERY different. Please consider (I say this nicely) before you have intercourse. You and your friends sound as if you all have ridiculously romanticised this whole scenario.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): If he didn't care what I wanted after telling him...he'd basically be assaulting me right? I don't think most guys would do that even if they were drunk. Especially my age, lots of guys can't even get hard they're so nervous! Which can be cute and of course it's normal...Diseases I can't say, except that I do know people who caught stds from their partners. They didn't cheat either, they just had slept with other people soon before they got together with my friends, and they didn't have symptoms yet.I will check him out though and ask about him, to make sure I'm not fucking some guy who's cheating or has other issues.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 October 2016):
You don't seem to understand, OP, most guys who go for hook ups don't *care* what you want - regardless of you telling them.
We shouldn't need to convince you that it's a bad idea; I don't mean to be rude, but common sense says it's a terrible plan. You need to be mature and responsible about it, but a hook up wouldn't be either of those things.
I'm sorry, but I really think you should seriously consider the advice we are all giving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): My partner and I have been together now for 6 years. We both acted silly before we got together. I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't really know at 14 years old. He was a lot older than me and used me. I went on to have sex. Protected and unprotected. Slept with a lot of men. And my partner did the same. Slept with women he didn't particularly like. Or after a drink. And we both regret it hugely! We've been together a long time now. We live together. Have children together, we know exactly what makes each other tick in the bedroom. We know what each other likes and we both spend a lot of time pleasing each other. I regret my past big time and sometimes this comes up in conversation when we're in bed and I hate it! I wish I'd of saved myself for him, and he thinks the same, the fact that he's slept with somebody other than me makes me really cross/jealous. Hypercritical I know but he feels the same! Sex is special. When you find the right man. Save yourself for somebody special, who deserves you and will treat you properly, there's no rush xxx
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female
reader, newgia667  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 Don't do it, i am 19 and i thought that too when it happened…… Your going to feel uncomftorable because you don't know them and they don't know you or your body. Its going to feel weird and not even remotely close to your expectations. Like other people commented u are gonna feel used and traumatized and your better than that… Honestlyits best to do it with someone you've been in a relationship with or at least seeing and comftorable with.. You have to trust him and thats why when you date or at least see each other before you get to test and experiment with the pre sex things like oral etc, it will make you more comfortable with them and yourself. you will become more familiar and it will be better.. You also will trust them std wise because you would know their history and what not.. Sex is actually very precious and shouldn't be taken for granted, it is your body so your free to do whatever you want. but when we are young we think things in our head and they play out to be good ideas but once they actually happen things go completely differently. Just take it slow and remember the right guy will come along, not some dude you don't know that isn't even worthy of taking your delicate virginity away. Stay safegia
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 October 2016):
 As a game of randomness, hookups are, statistically, more dangerous then Russian Roulette. For example, 1 in 5 people have herpes whereas Russian Roulette has 1 bullet among 6 chambers. So statistically, you are more likely to survive after pulling a gun pointed at your head rather then walking out of a hookup without herpes. Factor in all other STD, and your chances of getting disease from a random becomes virtually certain. So doing what you are thinking is foolish given that odds are so stacked against you, not to mention all the other stuff everyone here has mentioned. People, however, are free to do what they wish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): I have self preservation. I'm going to tell him what I want and need before sex, and also during sex...I mean of course I can't let someone who doesn't know my body do whatever, and even if he did know it I'd still tell him. I'll tell him what to do. Not blunt, just sexy whispers about what he needs to do...Or if we do foreplay then I'll be more blunt, or guide him...
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 October 2016):
It's only a big deal if you make it one. If you want to have sex for the first time with a stranger who doesn't give a crap about you, that's your choice, but it's not a wise one. If you went that route, I'm 99% sure you'd regret it more than being in a relationship with the guy first and breaking up at some point - at least you'd know the guy did actually care about you.
A hook up is less likely to care what gets you going, so that's not a logical reason. Also, you're more likely to be disappointed with a hook up, than someone who has a connection with you.
Some people are lucky enough to never have their heartbroken because they stayed with their first love - I hope I'm one of them - but it happens. Will you avoid relationships forever because you don't want the drama of falling for someone and potentially breaking up?
Sex with a stranger takes a part of you, in my opinion, and that's why it's not good as your first time. You can hook up as much as you want when you've experienced what it's like to be close to and trust your sexual partner, but it's not a good idea for your first time to be with a random guy.
Please, OP - it's not about "hyping" up your "v card"; it's about having an actual bond with someone before doing something so intimate and vulnerable for the first time.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2016):
If you think a hook up is a good idea, then you go for it, its your body your choice. You like the idea because you don't want it to be romantic and you don't want to see him again. Personally I would feel used. I would feel traumatized.
Are you comfortable to have a guy you don't know have sex with you? Be maybe to rough? Doesn't care about being gentle, is selfish in bed, hurts you, passes on a sti, is awkward. If you want a stranger then go for it. But to me sex means a whole lot more, it means being close to someone you care about, knowing how to please each other and wanting to please each other. If you are with someone who is a stranger, he won't care about how you feel or what you want.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2016):
So you want to have your first time with a guy you don't know, who doesn't know you, doesn't know your boundaries, your body etc?
You have no idea if he is "crawling" with STD's, if he KNOWS how to please a girl, if he knows how to put on a condom right - if he ACTUALLY would GIVE a single F whether you hurt, are nervous or decide nope, this isn't a good idea - I'm not ready...
I think it's really dumb idea. But this is your life.
All I can say is... where is your SELF-PRESERVATION?
It that all sex means to you? Something to get over with? To make your first time as pointless and meaningless as possible? then... go ahead.
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