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Losing the baby, financial difficulties, my drinking, his insensitivity... it's all a big mess!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Health, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi all. I have a very difficult situation and am very torn as to what to do.

I have always had a difficult situation with my bf but recently things got worse. In October we bought a house together and we have a joint mortgage. I also found out that I was pregnant. At around 9 weeks we found out that the baby had died and were both devastated. To cut a long story very short he was pretty unsupportive most of the time and even quite hurtful and I lost the plot. I basically had a massive mental breakdown and also turned to drink. I am now not drinking much and am on mood stabilisers. I had a whole month off work due to being so unwell and now I am much better and back at work.

During my breakdown my bf left me as he could not cope with my breakdown. He is now back at the house but insists we are not together. We are still living as if we are together though. we still cuddle up, cook for eachother, have sex. I am 39 and he is 38. We have talked and he wants to get me pregnant again as I really want to have a child with him. I don’t mind being a single parent.

The thing is I am so torn as to what to do. Its obvious we still love eachother but we both coped with the miscarriage badly. I am confused as I know he still loves me but he does say we are not together but also says there is hope that we get back at some point. I think maybe he needs lots of space. I’m struggling to let go, I feel we’ve been through so much together and we also own a house?

Can anyone give me advice as to what to do. It’s unlikely that the bank will sign the house over to either of us solely as neither of us earn enough on our own. We also run the risk of having the house repossessed if one comes off the mortgage. If we sell the house now my bf will lose the deposit we put in. I don’t know what to do. If I leave and let go then I would have to do so but keep my name on the mortgage and just trust that he pays the bills every month. But I don’t really want to do that. I am hoping that we stay I the house then things will change. But then sometimes I think oif the way he has treated me and how selfish he has been and I don’t even know if I still want to be with him?

Please don’t say he is using me for sex – more often than not I initiate it.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2012):

Miamine agony auntSigh.. again, only part of the story your telling here. Things are still not worked out. In your last post you wanted to dump him, you blamed him for most of your mental distress and issues. Now your together, but then again your not.

Is this really a healthy relationship in which to introduce a baby? Your not even sure if the guy will be still there next week, let alone next year. You've had problems with only yourself to look after, but now you want to be a single mother and your addiction problems, grief, relationship breakdown will suddenly all be fixed.

You were in a relationship with this guy, granted he wasn't perfect, but you were together.

Now, he says "your not together"... but your not hearing this, your making plans to have a baby with a guy who isn't sure if he is staying or not.

Again, you need to sort out a lot of things before you and him can build a proper relationship and bring up a child. Your in counselling you say, then you really need to go and talk to them about bereavement and wanting a child for a man who seems to be running away.

" Its obvious we still love each other"... I never ever denied that, even when he let you down. But it's only been days since your last post, when you was calling him cold and unsupportive. Love is not enough. I'm sure he's tried to explain to you why the relationship isn't working, but just like here on Dear Cupid, you don't seem to be listening.

You say your head is fine, but from here, when I read your posts I really do worry about the decisions you are making. Please contact your counsellor... a child in this situation would be disastrous, for your health, but also for the child's well being. You've been drunk and violent before when things were stressful, how are you going to cope alone with a baby to take care off.

You need to slow down and think, not about running and getting a baby to hide the pain, but how to fix things properly. First stop, counselling, then a proper plan about what to do with your life. If your guy sees you thinking more sensibly, it will help him to re-evaluate if there's a possibility to save this relationship.

You could probably get what you want, baby, guy, house.. but not the crazy way your thinking and acting right now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012):

Childish and yet you want to try for a baby?

Healthy? I say you are selfish as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012):

Natasia - thankyou for being the voice of reason, practical advice and kind. Yes, we went through a hellish time togther. We are still together, you're right and neither of us are screwing around. We really love eachother but we are both still quite childish.

Chaliceodamnation - please stop posting here, your viewpoint is wacko. I did not have an alcoholic/drug abusing/personality disorder parent. You are very controlling - an offshoot of your codependecy. DSont lecture me i was in therapy for years. Yes, I am cody but honestly, please stop putting your crap on to me. My childhood was not like yours. We're trying for a baby as soon as possible and that is that.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2012):

natasia agony auntYou are still together. You did get through the miscarriage. You are both still reeling a bit, but you have both returned to your world together.

That he couldn't cope with your breakdown is not an indictment of your relationship - it just shows that it was a massive incident, combined with grief and confusion about losing the baby, and your guy was a bit at a loss - he couldn't cope. Your not coping came out in a breakdown. His came out in the typical male way - avoiding the difficult thing.

But now you are both back, and whatever he says, you are together. I think he is saying you aren't because then nothing is expected of him. He must feel like he failed you, so now he doesn't want to say he is responsible for you in any way, so he can't fail you again. Sounds daft, but I think that is the way his mind is working.

Personally, I think having a baby is the one thing that will make you both feel better. I don't agree with all this stuff about how useless you both are (as some have posted) - absolute nonsense. You have both been through something awful, and come out the other side. And having a baby is something lovely, and I think you both deserve that. And to be honest, the single cure for losing a baby is having another one. It is the only way to make you feel better.

And as for those who might say that is selfish - well, anyone having a baby is being supremely selfish - we have babies because we WANT them and need them. So go for it. Do something happy together. Make a baby. And see how the new hope and joy and security will make you better. Good luck. Have faith in life. There are blips, but generally, it is a very strong force.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.” Is often in association to when a Partner has an alcohol or drug problem/addiction.

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Alcoholism is considered a progressive disease, meaning that the symptoms and effects of drinking alcohol become increasingly more severe over time.

~http://alcoholism.about.com/od/about/a/symptoms.htm

Which of you were raised by an alcoholic parent or drug abusing parent? Which of you were raised in a home where Mom/Dad had a personality disorder that was undiagnosed?

The cycle of abuse is still playing out and is now a part of your everyday life. This is not a loving, supportive home where Mom and Dad love one another and work together to keep the home safe, healthy, loving, supportive for a child.

OP you have countless posts on this site of your emotionally abusive relationship and lifestyle and I do say you are not emotionally fit to care and provide for the needs of a baby and child- at this time.

Your current home life is what is deemed dysfunctional. You are not even fit to realize that you are in an abusive relationship or strong enough to leave. You both struggle with alcohol addictions.

Adult Survivors of Alcoholic parents are aware that an alcoholic parent means being neglected because Mom/Dad is passed out or too drunk to even cook you a meal, help with homework, and sometimes even provide clothing and/or food because alcohol comes first.

You turned to the bottle when stress and life became overwhelming, which is not a healthy or effective coping skill to have- its destructive. Also something that is taught by example.

Then you were abandoned by your BF in time of need, with your miscarriage, and your depression/pain after miscarriage, losing a plot bid and drinking- and he ended things with you. Not a very loving, supportive Man you have there.

See how he keeps running when life gets overwhelming for him? So when baby is crying and crying, what will you do and what will he do?

You'll turn to the bottle and he will run away for days?

ADVICE:

Wait 6 months, which would be the full term of your baby. This gives your body and mind to heal. In that time, you will continue counselling. Getting stronger, healthier, wiser. You can make healthier choices when your mind is healthier. You will be able to be emotionally stronger as well.

You will even be better able to cope with a let down of losing a plot and not have it be looming and overwhelming.

You will discover healthier means to deal with coping in counselling.

You will need these life skills to overcome your current destructive, dysfunctional lifestyle and to teach and raise a baby/child with healthy coping skills and give her/him a chance at being a healthier, happier, successful adult.

Its fair and just to say ALL children DESERVE a Safe, Healthy, Loving Home.

Wait until you are capable of providing such a home.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012):

Hey there i'm the OP - thanks for your answer.

Firstly, let me not be understood - im not crazy and we are certainly not f**king others! I have been referred to a psychiatrist which i am very grateful for and i think i do need it at present. Losing my baby has hit me hard. I have had years of therapy but never had a diagnosis. I do need to say to you hun, dont put your stuff around your mum on me. I'm sorry she was so unwell, but really, thats not where im at. I had a shitty childhood too and have learnt so much from that and would give a child much love. I've been thru alot in my life and i will be happy to have his baby, even if we do not stay together. You shouldnt put your shit on other people. I'm not your mum. Not at all. I'm not that sick. Sorry you had such a bad time.

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A female reader, supermum United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2012):

supermum agony auntThe others are right, now is not a good time for you to be having a baby at all, they make problems in any relationship worse, not better! It is a lot of responsibility, and you need to take some time out for yourself.

You definately need councelling, maybe even some councelling together as well.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, I know how hard it is. The housing situation must be hard, but I think you two need a break from eachother. Not necessarily living apart, but definately from sleeping together.

As for trusting him to pay the bills every month, that would be a bad idea. You said yourself neither of you could afford the mortgage on your own. You don't want that sort of black mark next to your name.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012):

What really sticks out to me here is the fact that he wasn't there for you during the miscarriage, and then wasn't there for you through your breakdown. I'm the optimistic sort, and would like to think that if he had given you his support during those rough times, you may not have turned to drinking as a way out. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm not. I guess it's irrelevant now. Either way, why would he be someone you'd want to be with, let alone have a child with? He has proven to you that you can't depend on him when you need him most. Is that really someone you want as a partner, or as the father to your child(ren)?

I feel I may be a little insensitive. After all, he had to deal with the pain he felt as well. It could very well be the reason he was so hurtful to you. But at the end of the day, he left you to deal with your pain alone. That's not something you should overlook, regardless.

I couldn't possibly offer any insight as to what's going on in his head. I don't think even he knows that. His actions are completely at odds with what he says.

What's obvious is you're both going through the motions of a relationship, but that you didn't quite make it through what happened. He wont commit to you, but he can easily accept your love, your affection, your body. What does that say to you?

I get that you're stuck financially, but really, is keeping the deposit worth your happiness & sanity? No one would want to lose that money, I know, but I really think it would be beneficial for you both to make a clean break and start fresh... with someone, and somewhere else.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012):

Please don't bring a baby/child into this unhealthy, dysfucntional home that you have going on with your NON BF. You cant even manage to not love one another and act like a couple- no clear boundaries.

You think its fine, healthy, acceptable that your EX BF says you are not a couple and with it, there is no love, no boundaries so this way, he can take what he needs from you but go out and take it from others too because he declared you are NOT a couple?

I have read your many posts Luv. I even recall your miscarriage.

Please SEEK COUNSELLING.

You have depression, which is understandable, but you also have eratic behaviours that suggest personality disorder and that needs to be addressed in order for you to heal and recover and become a healthy, functioning adult FREE of ADDICTIONS.

I testify to you, from once a baby that was brought into this world from an unhappy, alcoholic, borderline personality Woman- she resented me. I did not help her heal. I was a means to continue her dysfunctional life and was exposed to harm.

Sexual predators, pedophiles entered my Mothers home due to her excessive drinking. Her destructive self hatered was taken out on me.

As any child deserves, I now plea to you to please seek out therapy and Heal from your destructive self. Parent yourself, love yourself enough to seek help and heal and recover.

When you are healthier, you are emotionally stronger and better capable of managing stresses of everyday life, even set backs such as losing a plot for a future home.

THEN maybe you can think to bring a child into this world, where you are capable of dealing with the everyday stresses of raising a child. With or without a man at your side.

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