A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedBrightEyes
writes:This is the first and only time I think I'll post anything about this situation. I'll just lay it all out and pray I get needful responses! Bare with me, theres so much to say!!!Back, 4 years ago I began dating this charming man I met at work. We fell in love quickly and within 3 months was engaged, living together, and bought a vehicle together. (Iknow, a lil TOO fast, I've learned from my mistakes!)We were engaged and stayed together for an entire year, within this year we both made really poor choices. At the time, I was young however and thought it was only him with the problem and I was perfect. Which I see now, was a problem within itself. Anyway, We made poor choices, broke up, made up, broke up, made up during the last 4 months of our relationship. He wanted a baby more than anything and we had been trying, despite our breakups, because we were so crazy over one another. He was 5 years older than me, so getting married and a baby was something he had said he wanted from the get go of our relationship.Towards the end, we broke up and I dated another guy...and within two weeks we were back together. Needless to say, within a month i found out i was pregnant. He was excstatic, but confused because we had been together so long and had NEVER used a condom or BC...but then I date someone else and come up pregnant. He had questions, but when I went to the doc, all of the dates ligned up perfectly with it being his child.Anyway, we decided to give it another shot but then his questions kept coming up, "how do i know it's mine? Marry me right now, lets elope and that will prove its mine we're gonna get married in a few months anyway" But im my dad's only daughter and the baby at that, so I wanted my dad to walk me down the isle...so i wouldnt elope. Which made him mad because he said that meant there could be a chance it wasnt his. We got into it, he went out and got drunk...bla bla bla I saw him later that night (drunk) and he went on and on about how i was a whore and if i loved him i wouldnt treat him the way i did...so I got scared because i was already (3 months preg) and thought he might hit me as mad as he was so i told him it wasnt his, it was the other guys and i called the cops and had him arrested.We stayed seperated after that, he kept trying to get back together, coming to my job and calling me, i had to change my number. He started dating someone else and that girl then began to run drama saying she couldnt wait to be my baby's momma, which only fueled me to stay as far away from him as possible. I never talked to him, about 7 months into my pregnancy he called to see how i was, said he was thinking about me. But someone else answered the phone and told him not to call anymore, it wasn't even his kid. That was the last we talked.My son is now 2.5 years old...and Lord have Mercy looks JUST LIKE HIM! He always said if we had a son, he's look like his twin...and he didn't lie, there's so much that our son does that is exactly like him. Which blows my mind because they've never met. Here's even moreso a delima, sorry so long! When my son was only 3 months old I re-met a guy I went to school with. He was my prince charming and fell absolutely in love with my baby. He showed everything Id always looked for in a man and a daddy, a husband...so within 6 months we got married. And we were so happy, I'm not just sure where everything went wrong?We've been together over 2 years now and are still together. But his abuse towards me has escalated over the past year. It seemed after we got married, he got mad a lil easier and then a lil easier and before I knew it, its anything i say or do...we're in counseling again, this time with our pastor. I just don't know if I can stay at his side anymore while he "gets help" because staying at his side, means getting hurt whenever he flies off the handle.SO, what the issue is, is that I love my husband SO very much, obviously. But it's been pointed out to me, "why do you stay with this man, who is NOT the father of your child? When you refused to let the real father have anything to do with your child? Even to the degree that you swore it wasn't his child to him? Why would you hold him away from his real dad who is doing so good with his life now? But let him watch you get beat all the time by this guy who's not the dad?"And honestly, I can't get that off my head now. Its there constantly. I definitely need some heart to heart advice...I plan on taking this to my pastor...just thought id run it through here first. I think my mind is gonna have a meltdown if i dont get some type of resolvement for my life and what it all comes down to, is making sure my son is safe and has a full life ahead of him. Thanks!
View related questions:
at work, broke up, condom, drunk, engaged, fell in love, get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): As a mother you should do what's best for your son and also for you. Sit down, talk to him and here his side of the story. You know communication is the best medicine and don't just give up on someone you love. Remember till death do us apart.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Natasia and DrPsych both make excellent suggestions. Follow these and I think your life will take a turn for the better.
Neither your nor your son deserve to live the kind of life you are being subjected to now.
Good luck doll.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 This situation is unbearable for you and your son, and also pretty bad for the father who has never seen him.
The first guy wasn't so bad, no, because he loved you, and he wanted to love his child. You pushed him away. He was only upset that night because so insecure, and he knew that until the baby was born, he couldn't be sure it was his.
The second guy is a psycho, unfortunately. This kind of constant emotional abuse (and, by the sounds of it, also physical) is incredibly damaging, and dangerous, for you and your son.
If I could wave a magic wand, this would happen:
You would see sense and divorce the bad man
You would also contact your boy's father, apologise for your bad decision in lying to him, and introduce him to his son
Your ex would find a way to forgive you, and start playing a role in his son's life
You would be on your own and then find someone genuinely nice or get back with your ex
I don't know if any of the above will happen, but I think you should consider it. And certainly the best interests of your son would be for the bad husband to go and the good father to have chance for contact with his son. What, eg, are you going to tell your son when he is older? He won't be a baby forever. You can't keep up the lie. It isn't fair.
Sorry - these are hard choices and seem daunting, I am sure, but you have to act for your son.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 April 2010):
 I have worked professionally with domestic violence victims here in the UK. My advice is that you should leave this relationship immediately. If you don't feel strong enough, think about the implications for your son. He will grow up thinking it is ok to abuse women and he is a child protection risk himself. Your priority is his well-being. While you stay, your husband thinks it is ok to hit you because you stay. In his distorted mind, yelling and punching is ok as an acceptable form of control and manipulation to get what he wants. He will only be required to address his anger and aggression when you leave and send a clear message that it is not acceptable. You would be doing him a favour. You must treat him as if he has a sickness that requires professional intervention. There are many specialist programmes out there for domestic violence perpetrators.
I think once you have left this marriage you need to get specialist counselling to prevent you entering further high risk relationships. I am not blaming you - you are the victim here - but there is a pattern of forming volatile relationships with men that needs addressing professionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Hi.
You've definately got some big problems. I'm not sure if my advice will be good for you but if these were my problems, this is what I would do.
First off, it's not really fair that your child's father didn't have a choice to be involved in his child's life. I think you should set up a meeting with him, without his son. Bring a photo. Meet with him and see for yourself what he's like. Tell him about his son but tell him the two of you need to figure out how to introduce and go forward with their relationship before you bring your son into it. If he's unstable then you can arrange for supervised visits. He will also be responsible for child support, etc. Not sure if he'll like that. But it is his responsibility and a child should feel "wanted". If you don't allow your son to have this relationship he will eventually know the truth that you were responsible for his father being out of the picture. He may grow up to resent you and also grow up to have "unwanted" feelings.
Next. The relationship with your current husband. You are subjecting your son to an unhealthy situation. Get some distance for the two of you so you can work through your feelings. What do you want? And don't think you need to be with one of these men. The relationship for your son and his father is one thing. But you deserve a relationship where you can feel loved and safe. Take some time off from relationships, do some good for your son and figure out what you want. I actually think your current relationship is filling a void in your life. It may not be true love. Don't settle for a relationship where you are being abused, physically or mentally. Be good to yourself.
All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, UncleDoug +, writes (2 April 2010):
Hi ConfusedBrightEyes,
As a mother (and as it happens in a court of law) whatever is in the "best interests of the child" should be your guiding principle. Several questions arise.
(1) Is it in the best interests of the child to determine exactly who is his legal father? I suggest yes, if for no other reason than health concerns (parents' medical histories, genetic dispositions toward certain medical conditions, compatibility of donors (G-d forbid) in case the baby needs a transplant during his lifetime, etc...) (2) Is it in the best interests of the child to have a relationship with his paternal father (as early as possible)? (Assuming the paternal father is a good man and will benefit the child ethically, intellectually and emotionally.) Every child deserves to know his parents and establish some kind of nexus with them, even where the birth parents divorce and remarry. If you were in your ex's position, wouldn't you want to know if the child were yours? Remember the golden rule: treat others as you would be treated. Do not let your ex's current wife/girlfriend affect your decision; that person is a nullity, and is not a person whose opinion you respect or care about.
(3) Is it in the best of the child to avoid a legal morass when he is older by determining lineage now? The child is young enough to adapt now with little to no trauma regardless of the outcome. A legal battle later (should your ex wish to raise the issue of parentage and then seek to assert his parental rights) may well leave emotional scars (and even resentment to you from your son for not being honest with him.) If your ex is found to be the father, then he will also be financially responsible and may wish to help you (then again he might be angry with you and not wish to contribute.) In any case the sooner you establish parenthood the sooner you can build a solid foundation for your life.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): "SO, what the issue is, is that I love my husband SO very much, obviously. But it's been pointed out to me, "why do you stay with this man, who is NOT the father of your child? When you refused to let the real father have anything to do with your child? Even to the degree that you swore it wasn't his child to him? Why would you hold him away from his real dad who is doing so good with his life now? But let him watch you get beat all the time by this guy who's not the dad?"
Precisely. You already know what to do. Your answer is right there in your own words.
...............................
|
