A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone sorry this might be long but im really desperate and need adivice, ive been dating this guy for about two years now. we are in a long distant relationship and havent met yet( but we are planning to see eachother soon) and and , but we do call eachother everynight or text and sometimes even sype if we are not to tired. We are in love. he tells me everyday, and how beautiful i am. everything is wonderful, yes we fight sometimes but we end up missing eachother so much that we just forget about it. the only thing im having trouble with is trust issuess and im very insacure. Althought he never gave me a reason to not trust him, being in a long distance relationship puts me on edge. i feel like nothing is stopping him from looking/talking/texting other girls bc im far away and he knows theirs no way id find out. the reason i feel this way is because (this happened more than a few times) we'd be talking on the phone and he'd get a text and itll be like 4 in the morning and id say who is texting you this late? and he says stuff like "my mom". so i drop it cause if i take it any further he gets really mad and says im ussuming stuff and hangs up. and then some night when were on the phone ill be talking about something and he wont hear a word i said, he'll say "what?" nd i said did you hear me? and he says no, and i think i know why.. it sounds like hes texting, and itll be like 4 in the morning one night i confronted him about it cause its happening more often and i heard beaping in the phone ( kinnda like when you hear someone pressing buttons) and i knew he was texting and he didnt even hear me talking he kept saying what. so i said were you just texting? he gets so defencive and starts yelling. ( i knw i sound like a crazy gf ) but i have a gut feeling that hes texting other girls and it makes me angry, like even on the good days were having ill just start thinking about it and then ill get really upset and mad and not wanna text him at all that day, cause the thought of him lieing hurts me. im also scared cause i know men have needs, like sex for instance, obviously we cant have sex cuz hes far away but we have had phone sex before but it just doesnt cut it for him sometimes. Im worried that this is going to make him wanna start cheating just to get sex. I really dont know how to come about this to him cause i have no actaul proof tht he texts girls but just from what i heard on the phone when we tlk at night. and if i bring it up he gets very annoyed and yells and makes me feel bad and says you dont trust me and all this other stuff i feel really hopeless, hes so great i dont wanna lose him but this whole thing is driving me to hateing him cause im really starting to believe hes texting girls behind my back what should i do...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Good luck, OP, and I hope this visit will give you the clarity and the answers you are looking for.
If it does not, and you still smell a rat, .. don't be afraid to give up and save yourself trouble. LDR are very difficult per se to carry on, even with complete mutual trust, imagine when trust is incomplete.
A
female
reader, LoveForeverxoxo +, writes (8 December 2012):
Thank you so much to @Cindy Cares, and an also thank you to @So_Very_Confused. Thank youo for your responces and also answering what i needed to hear. You both oppened my eyes alot. And Im actaully this coming week gunna ask if i can fly up there and if he tries to make it sound like hes busy or anything i will most likey leave him. and i am also gunna keep a close eye one the whole " im texting my mom at 4 am." situation. Thank you
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
Human relationships have developed in close proximity, not over the phone or in cyberspace. You dont have a relationship, you just think you do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2012):
 OP, I will not address whether you are in love or not. I am sure that you believe that you are. I will point out that MANY times you fall in love with people online and the reality is not what you believed it to be in the long run. I am sure that the meeting with him (should it occur) will be lovely and that for at least a short while things will be awesome.
Again I did an LDR for over a year with my partner. Thankfully we were close enough, and old enough to have the time and money to see each other every weekend once we knew we were serious. I know the feelings of longing to be with your love. And I can tell you that once you meet and have to part, it will ONLY GET WORSE.
I realize you met at 19 but how far apart are you? I’m sorry but even age and distance are not good reasons for no meeting for THREE YEARS… there are vacations at all jobs… schools have breaks… where there is a will there is a way. I still think that it’s been entirely too long to consider yourself committed Bf/GF if you have not met after THREE YEARS regardless of age and money. Using an ONLINE relationship in this manner is a way to escape having to cope with the reality of a day to day ongoing relationship. To be honest, it’s EASY to be Bf/gf online if you have not met. It’s NOT reality.
LDRS can work. Mine did. One of my best girlfriends is married to a man who lives two hours away for the next 2.5 years. BUT unless the two parties have:
a. Met in real life (either meeting first in real life or meeting within 6 months of meeting online)
b. Meet up together regularly
c. Have plans to end the distance within a reasonable time
I find very few LDRs go the distance so to speak. It’s not that you are not in love (or feel in love) or that you are naïve or childish, it’s just that you are overcome with positive feelings right now and cannot see the forest for the trees. We speak from experience, from knowledge and from a perspective YOU cannot possibly have. I have done LDRs like yours. I do know how you feel. BUT I can tell you that ONCE I met the man I was “in love” with…. Shortly after we realized that while it worked “on paper” the reality of us being together was not the same.
The truth is at this point your concern is about his behavior his texting and his lies of omission.
THESE ARE VERY VALID concerns.
1. MOMS DO NOT TEXT at 4 am. I’m an overly involved concerned Jewish mother with sons in their late 20s. I also raised a stepdaughter from age 9 till 18, I never would contact my kids in the middle of the night.
2. You said you CONFRONTED him. Was this just a poor choice of words or did you actually make it a confrontation. IF all you did was ask and he over-reacted that’s different than if you actually were confrontational. IF you were accusing, then he may have a right to be defensive… but if the question was “who are you texting at this hour” and it was not confrontational and he got angry and defensive then YES dear your gut is right, he’s got another girl on the side and I’m sure she has NO clue about you or the fact that you are “in a committed relationship of two years”
3. Men do NOT NEED sex. IF a man gets with a woman for sex when he is “committed” to another woman he’s a cheat if he does not have permission.
4. He says you don’t trust him because you don’t. The key is that you don’t trust him with good reasons.
5. You say “he’s really great” and “I don’t want to lose him”
Let’s talk about this really great guy….
1. He gets angry and defensive when you try to explain your feelings and he turns it around and makes YOU the bad guy. That’s GREAT.(end sarcasm)
2. He has not made any efforts to get to you or have you come to him has he? Let me tell you about men in love. MEN IN LOVE, in my vast and varied experience, will move heaven and earth to be with the object of their affection. MEN IN LOVE want to be with their partner so badly they will do anything. The song “when a man loves a woman” is so popular because it’s true. MEN IN LOVE will cut off their best friends for life if they diss the woman they love. MEN IN LOVE will give up everything and move across the world if it means being with their love. My husband gave up a JOB, an apartment he had lived in for TEN YEARS, ALL HIS friends and his entire LIFE to move to be with me. This was a man who swore he was never ever getting married. Within 6 months of meeting me and falling in love he was ready to totally reinvent his life TO BE WITH ME. That’s what men in love do. They don’t dangle you around online for THREE YEARS…
I think your gut is correct. I think that there is at least ONE more girl he’s texting and talking to and probably telling her he hates to talk on the phone (and that’s why he talks to you and texts her) I can tell you that my ex-husband had at least 3 girls online at any given time… he was usually engaged to at least ONE of them… in fact, he was engaged to one LDR girl with plans to end the gap (they had already met at least once) when he met me… He dumped her for me… LDRs are HARD. And unless you are meeting face to face regularly with plans to end the distance that are in the works (not just “oh one day we will be together maybe next year”) it’s just playtime.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 December 2012):
Eh OP... some times DearCupid is like the ancient oracles... or the Tarot cards..... you ask a question, and what comes out is the answer to the real,most relevant yet unexpressed question , which in your case could be " Is this love or infatuation ? a real relationship, or a comforting romantic fantasy ? " or else " is there any possible , practical way to make this LDR work in the present circumstances ? "... But since you don't want to go there, let's stick to the issue :
yes, Op, I think you are quite justified in having trust issues, it's not just paranoia. I mean, what mom texts, and repeatedly , his son at 4 a.m.! , and mind you I am an Italian mom, we are famous for being meddling and overprotective. And, the losing track of conversation with you, yes, it sounds like he is texting , and personally I'd have an issue with that regardless, I mean , what kind of a rude jerk keeps texting while we are supposed to have a romantic conversation, not even if he was a physician on call at the E.R ! Plus, yes it's quite possible he is texting to someone you are not supposed to know anything about , and that is shown by his angry, defensive , and totally unwarranted response . People always get mad when they are caught red handed. Otherwise there's nothing to be defensive about, one can say," yes, sorry,that was my friend X that had some sort of urgent problem and needed to talk to me right away " .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): ( once again this is who wrote this)
to the one the said i wasnt in love. i thank you for the time you took out of your day to read my proublem, p /
but i didnt ask " am i in love with this man or not" if i wanted that type of answer i would have asked that queshtion. Your reading two mintues of a proublem and just based off this you say im not in love with this man, and simply because we never met. I am 21, ive been in several diffrent relationships, and i am far from gullable. p /
just because we havent met doesnt mean i do not know what type of man he is. we talk constintly. i understand him, and he understands me, hes my best friend and im his. p /
All i asked was how do i come about this fear im having and share it with him. i know i sound rude but i am not a rude person i jusst think your basing judghment with me with something you had excperience with and it didnt work out for you. we are two diffrent people.p /
i am grown a very mature, but also very safe p /
and for the one that asked why is it taking so long to meet. We both were pretty young when we met online, about 19. So at that time we were both starting to get jobs and trying to safe up money not only to meet up but also for college, bills, ect. We would have loved to drop everything and meet but unfortunatily we couldnt. and also finding the right time to take off from our jobs was a factor too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): meeting your other half online isnt the problem, loads of people meet online but they say theyre in love after theyve met and get to know eachother but youve talked to him for three years, never met, anyone can feed you lines online but when you meet them they may not be the person they make out to be
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): im the one who said your not in love, oh my god you skyped his mum, stop thinking your in love with a guy online, i met my ex online i actually thought i was head over heals in love thats until i met him in real life, he used to punch walls wen a guy looked at me, told me that my mum said stuff to him about me that she didnt, he cheated on me numerous times, until you really get to know someone deeply in real life then you can say your in love
your playing a dangerous game talking to a random guy online and believing your in love, instead of having a relationship with a guy youll probably never meet online, go out with your friends and meet someone you can actually fall in love with
the thing is with guys like him online, they look for certain types of girls such as innocent and gullable because that was me, my ex said he talked to me online coz he cud tell i was a virgin
btw its not a relationship its an online fatuation because you havent got a man in real life, the truth hurts but your wasting ur time having a relationship with ur computer instead of exploring the real world
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2012):
how come it's taken three years to plan a meeting? I am in fear that your meeting will be a bit anticlimactic as you have probably built it all up in your brain.
I have NO problem with LDRs, I was in one for a year while we figured out how to be together. That's the primary goal of an LDR to be TOGETHER and you work towards that end. When are you two ending the distance?
You really can't say because you don't even know if you will have chemistry when you are together. I know you say you will and you probably will for a bit.... it's the long haul you have to consider.
People change you know and over the last two years you both have changed a lot... assuming he's about the same age as you.
You need to trust your gut. If you think he's texting with other girls he probably is. In addition, I have found ALWAYS that when someone gets angry and defensive when "accused" of something, they are mad that they got caught...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): ( i am the person that wrote this i just have no account)
Ok noone is understanding me, the last one that said " dont think your inlove cause your not" You cannot tell someone they arent inlove. you dont know the emotions i go through with him and he goes through with me. we are in love , and people fall in love over internet everyday.
aslo he is not asking for money, infact we are both taking of work to meet up in may, and he offered to pay for everything, and anything.
well you also say how can i be in love if i never met him and dont know him. I know his personality very well, he lets me know when hes angry and why, what makes him upset, and i know what makes him cry.
i know this isnt just a thing for hom cause before the two years we starting dateing we were friends for a year, three years is plenty of time to get to know someone wether it be over internet or person.
And i actaully skped with his mother before, and we had a very nice time and she as well loves me and think im a well rounded person for her son. and he got to skype with my mom also. He's been through a lot in life and even sometimes in the middle of the night we'll just be talking forever about our pasts issues and some nights he even cries and looks for comfort from me. we have alot of things in commen. ive never felt this way about another man so i know the diffrence between, love, lust, and fantisies. It seems you are all bashing me because im in a long distance realtionship, i dont think its far.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Why are you wasting your time with an online relationship? Why don't you go out and meet a real person and have a real relationship with human contact? Do you really think this man is exclusive to you? You have been doing this for two years and you've never met? Please, don't be so gullible. You have fallen in love with a fantasy, words on a screen and someone who is telling you everything you want to hear.
Typically men who have these kind of internet relationships are alone (or married), have no social skills, create characters for themselves, fulfill their sexual needs by watching their porn collection and have no intentions of ever meeting the women they are doing this with.
What is starting to happen is this man is losing interest in the whole thing. He has other women he is doing this with as well and he can't keep up, or someone else is more appealing at the moment.
And I pray he has not fed you a line that he needs money....
Please, go seek couseling if you need help building your self-esteem and gain confidence in yourself that you are worthy of a real relationship, not a pretend one. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you have to stop this and get out of it now. Cold turkey.
When people with sincere intentions of meeting someone for a potentional relationship when on-line dating, the process usually goes like this: You connect, you email back and forth for about a week or so, you talk to each other on the phone and set up a day/time to meet in person for coffee/drink, something light and casual and in public where someone is aware of what you are doing to be safe. It's then you can decide if their is a mutual attraction and things in common to go out on another date. If this does not all happen within a few weeks, you are dealing with a chronic internet dater. ANYONE can drag out emails and such for months and months, but someone who's intentions are honorable will not do what you've gotten sucked into.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Sorry but I dont see how you can date someone you have NEVER met!
You are probably one of hundreds of girls he chats to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): you havent even met and your having problems, you cant be in love with someone youve never met, you dont know what hes like when out socialising, you havent been around him for long periods of time, youve never met his family, you dont know how he would treat you if you have real life relationship, theres soo many factors to consider before saying your in love, youve only ever spoke through skype or the phone when hes away from that you dont know what kind of person he is
the reason you dont trust him is because of the above factors, you dont know this boy, like you said he he could skyping and texting 100s of girls! keep talking to him if you want but dont think your in love because your not
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