A
female
age
51-59,
*iggy0925
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now and a week ago he left me. He was living with me in my place, and when he left in the morning he kissed me and said have a great day what time do you work today...When I came home there was a "dear john" letter on the table with the keys to my place and he moved his stuff out. Our relationship started off great, even to the point that he told his mother he wanted to marry me. He told her he really loved me. He had told me we shouldn't be living together if we are not married. He is a hardworking Christian and this bothered him I think. The last couple months of our relationship have been very rocky...almost all of the fights we have had were my fault due to my heavy drinking and when I drink a lot of the time I become verbally abusive with him. I consider myself a pretty woman yet I am extremely insecure and jealous. A lot of times I will accuse him of things he has not even done. He left one night and left me a note on the table saying he was moving out that he would get his things the next day and give me my keys. I talked him into staying. NOW he has left me for real. I saw him after 4 days after he left and of course I cried and poured out my soul to him. I asked him to give me a 2nd chance and he said he already gave me my 2nd chance. He said he is incapable of love and he can't love me the way I want to be loved. He has been divorced for 9-10 years and was married to a horrible woman who abused him and their children. I'm sure my behavior may have brought him back to that place in time. When I saw him 4 days after he left me he told me he was going out of town for work but he would be back on Thursday. Why would he even bother telling me when he is coming back if he doesn't want to have anything to do with my anymore? I told him I loved him enough to marry him and he said it was a little late for that. He told me he needed time and space. I don't know WHAT to do. I did make an appointment to see a psychologist this week and I am going to quit drinking. I want to be a better person for myself and him. How can I win him back? I even contacted his mother and she told me whenever he runs into a bad situation he always runs from it.... HELP ME!!!
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female
reader, Ziggy0925 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Ziggy0925 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKenj thanks for that support. I AM GENUINELY sorry. And my whole life I have never recognized that the true problem is ME. I'm not saying I am going to fix the problem just to win him back, but that I am tired of living and feeling this way. And OF COURSE I want him back in my life. When I am not drinking I am a completely different person. He has seen that and knows me deep down or else he wouldn't have fallen in love with me and asked me to get married. I never wanted to get married because I am afraid. Afraid I will screw it up. I am excited to go to my first psychologist appointment and I am hoping that through this therapy my mind will release some of the inner demons and negativity so I won't even think about drinking. I am trying to quit drinking on my own without AA. I am feeling very headstrong about what I am doing. When you say don't take a long time to do this, do it soon...are you referring to the email?? I am just trying to let him cool of a bit...hoping he will contact me first. Last time I saw him it was on Sunday. I really really love this man. I am not desperate to be with someone, I just know and realize that he is an incredible person and it is ME who made the mistakes.
A
female
reader, Ziggy0925 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Ziggy0925 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice. I am definately going to work on myself right now. I want to live a better life and be happy. I want to have this man back in my life to show him. While we were living together he signed his car over to me so I would have a car to drive. He told me in his "dear john" letter to use it until I got another one and then he wanted it back. I intend to sign it back over to him, but I have some financial things going on right now before I can do that. He feels like me keeping his car is me using it as a pawn to keep him in my life and that is not the case. He also thinks I can just give the keys to a friend and give it to him but he would have to see me to conduct the transaction at the DMV. Well that will all work out. My main concern right now is WILL this man ever trust me enough to share his life with me again? He told me he was incapable of love and didn't want to be in a relationship when he met me. HE is the one who pursued me. He also told his mother he loved me and he wanted to marry me - so is THAT being incapable of love? If anyone showed they were incapable of love it was ME not him. My selfish behavior was out of control and now I can see that. It took this happening to help me realize this..but now I hope it's not too late. I hope he contacts me on Thursday - tomorrow, but I don't want to get my hopes up. How long should I wait before I try to call or email him again?? I don't want to scare him away forever.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 March 2010):
If you do write to him, don't talk about the relationship. That will make him afraid to talk to you because he will feel pressured and begin to avoid you. Remember you were friends before you were lovers, so fall back to that friendship. Avoid any begging or pleading whatsoever because it will drive you apart more. Remember the conversations you had as friends? The coffees and friendly calls? You are right back there at the beginning. Just take this very slow. You have to crawl before you can walk. Don't rush anything. At this time, you cannot determine the pace at which he recovers. So go at his timetable and give him plenty of space and lots of proof that you can do it. My father was once a drinker who would disrespect my mother and he changed so completely that nobody who knew him back then would believe it. So I believe you when you say you are going to change. You may have learnt your lesson in a few days but he will only believe it in a few months. But you have to be patient. There are times you will have to bite your lip but it will be worth it in the end. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 You do sound genuinely sorry.
You have already admitted you have a problem with the drink and you know you need help, that’s the first biggest step.
A Psychologist is a good start; there are also free support groups, just browse the internet for one in your area. You can get out of this if you really want to.
Once you have started doing something about this then write a letter to him, let him know you’re sorry you hurt him and you know it was down to your drinking.
Tell him you want to become a better person and have started getting help for the problem.
Also tell him you love him very much and explain although you do dearly want to be in a relationship with him you know you may have lost your chance of that because you know you have hurt him.
Leave it at that, he will probably contact you back to see how you’re getting on then take it from there.
Dont take a long time to do this, do it soon.
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A
female
reader, Ziggy0925 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Ziggy0925 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I feel awful that I did this to someone who I love so much. I don't know if he will ever trust in me enough to take me back. If he leaves he will be most likely leaving the state of Florida for work. I still have his car which he signed over to me so I would have a way to get around work. He told me to use it until I got a car. I do intend to give his car back to him. I am so devastated and hope and pray that he will forgive me. 95% of every bad thing I ever said to him was due to my drinking. I know if I am seeking treatment going to a psychologist and I quit drinking I will be a better person. He loved me at one point in the relationship so why not again? I don't want to lose him forever. He is not the type of man to run right out and find another relationship because when he met me he wasn't looking and neither was I. We were friends first and it developed into a relationship. Very different from what usually happens in my life. I hope there is a glimmer of hope. I know he gave his ex wife more than one chance thinking and hoping that she would change, but she did not. I hope he can find away to believe that I am for real. But I know I have to SHOW him first. I am afraid to write him that email right now when he left me so angry and hurt and said he needed space and time. I think he should be the one to take the next step. But I don't want to lose touch with him completely. He is not worth losing.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 March 2010):
The only way to get this man back is change your own life.
You forced him to go, he didnt leave you.
This guy loves you and he has tried his best to put up with you and finally cant take anymore.
Let him know your sorry and are going to do somthing about your drink problem then actually do something about it at least join in on AA meetings or something similar, go and get help.
If he takes you back then dont move in together until your over the drink issues, you have to let him begin to trust you again.
Only you can fix this.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (10 March 2010):
Listen to yourself... Just reread what you wrote. He did not leave you.. You drove him away. What did you expect him to do? You cannot plead for him to come back to you; especially in this state. You have to fix the issues that you know are wrong including your paranoia and your drinking. After that (several months), then perhaps you can contact him and start a friendship again. Don't try rush back to a romantic relationship. You will need to be friends with him where you don't discuss romance or the past. Just a dinner or coffee here and there for him to see that you have changed. But from what you've said it may be too late. You cant blame him for running from trouble with what you and his ex have put him through. For now, write him a letter taking full responsibility for your behaviour and tell him you understand his decision to leave and that its woken you up to work on yourself. Him telling you he is coming back on Thursday is just him being human and not being unnecessarily cruel. He told you he's out of love so believe him and rather work on yourself.
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