A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I went had this great group of friends that I hung out with at school. One girl I've known since pre-school and another since 7th grade. There were a few guys once in while, usually someone one of us girls was dating, but I only dated one person. That happened by accident, we stated hanging out with this guy that we had known through the years and he started sitting with us at lunch and hanging out on the bus at band trips. I guess we were flirting when we went bowling (as a BIG group, most people in band were there) and people kept teasing us about the flirting. We hung out as a group and a few times, he would ask me to get pizza with him or just walk around the mall.I did like flirting with him and I liked hanging out, but I truely thought we were just hanging out as friends and he never said he liked me or wanted anything more. Then, after we hung out one time and got into the car to take me home, he leaned over and kissed me. I was taken off guard but I just smiled and started to pull away but we basically ended up making out. I wasn't really comfortable with it, but I didn't really know how to push him away and say that I wasn't into making out with my friends. Then he did pull away (I mean, we only kissed/making out, he didn't touch my butt or my boobs or anything) and he said he'd been waiting on that for awhile and made a comment about how it's funny I was his girlfriend for so long but never kissed him.I was quiet on the way home, because it was awkward and I wasn't sure how to tell him that I only wanted to be friends and that that's what I thought it was the whole time - just hanging out and things like that. Well, I called my one friend after I got home and she told be I'd "better not" dump him and that he was a great guy and I was really lucky to have him and that he didn't do anything wrong. She then asked why I led him on for so long with all the flirting I'd been doing for months and months. I knew about flirting in the bowling alley, but I hadn't flirted before that! My other friend called and was really mad at me for "doing that to him" and I hadnt' even dumped him or talked to him about it yet! One of them called HIM and he dumped me and said he didn't want to be friends with a two-faced person like me. I went to school the next day, I felt awkward and weird but I tried to talk to my friends in class and they totally ignored me. I went to sit by them at lunch to talk to them and say this was silly and that I was sorry everyone was so mad, but they got up and left! I asked another girl who knows them from lunch and band and she said she "wasn't getting involved" and when I asked another girl, she said, "Who can blame them?" And she said SHE was pissed at me too and that she out of loyalty thought she really couldn't tlk to me or hang out with me and that I needed to make new friends and "good luck with that one"I literally don't know what to do and I literally have no one to talk to! What did I do wrong just by only wanting to be friends with him? Not only did I lose him as a friend, I've lost ALL my friends because they're taking his side. NO ONE is telling me his side of the story, in case there were things made up. I'm so hurt and alone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): OP here. I decided to write him a letter explaining that I was sorry that he had to hear about the situation through someone that wasn't me and that I felt that was really unfair to him as I wanted to tell him myself. I also apologized for kissing him and said that I had just got caught off guard and then got caught up in it. I told him that I considered him a really good friend and that I had had a crush on him a little but didn't mean to lead him on with the flirting and all that. And that I had just thought we were good friends who flirted and hung out - I pointed out that I hung out with girls like that and no one thought I was dating THEM. I also said I missed him and missed out friendship.He called and said that he was most mad because he heard it from someone else and told me that girls are always doing that - talking behind people's backs and jumping in to "fix" someone's problem without their permission. He pretty much just said to never ask any of my friends for advice again about someone else becauses that's what happens (isn't that the POINT of being friends though? Someone you can ask advice from?) He also said that if a guy wants to hang out one-on-one that means he considers it a date and going out like I thought we were was what female friends were for. He said that he really couldn't be my friend for awhile and that everyone was still pretty much mad at me.Well, he ended up showing the note around to some of our friends and they pretty much got mad all over again and said that they had been TRYING to set us up so that I COULD have a boyfriend but they apparently made a mistake and that I was a bad person who had been pretending to be a good person all these years. They said they had been trying to set me up with several guys before and I was just "clueless" and "dumb as hell" that I never picked up on that. The one girl even accused me of being a lesbian and said I was never going to be at her house overnight again and that she wasn't going to go out with me on "dates" anymore if that's what I thoguht it was. So now it just made it worse when I was trying to make it private and apologizeNow a lot of girls are avoiding me and making homophobic comments and not wanting to be around me much because they're not comfortable with "that" (it's a small Christian school) and they're still convinced that I'm totally in the wrong. It's getting worse and I'm afraid that the school counselor will tell my parents I made out with the guy and that she will think I'm a lesbian and she'll tell my parents that too.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): To be honest you should have stopped him from kissing you in the car, speak out next time. You should have stopped during, or at least told him after. The cold shoulder won't last long but at least you can learn from it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): 'Friends' can do this sometimes during the stages of growing up. A similar thing happened to me, where I really was totally blameless and there was no guy involved - a girl turned EVERYONE in my school against me. To this day - I'm now 46 and I was around 11 at the time, I remain traumatised by what happened. it affected my ability to trust people every after.BUT what I would say to you is this: For whatever reasons, girls will sometimes 'round' on another girl - whether there's a boy involved or not - often out of competitiveness and jealousy that they won't acknowledge - they will find the flimsiest of reasons or even make something up. Usually there will be one girl that starts it who feels threatened by something that she perceives you to have and which she doesn't. HOWEVER the very important thing that will make a HUGE difference to you right now is not the event in itself but how you ensure that you gain support in dealing with it. In my case I got no support at all - my parents poo-pooed it as silly and refused to engage with the problem, which went on for well over two weeks - at that age that was a lifetime of hell and degradation. What I realise NOW is that the event in itself was upsetting for sure, but the trauma was to do with not feeling supported by anyone, even when I tried to ask for help in dealing with it. It sent a very clear message to me that I should not only expect to feel rejected by others at random (as in the school scenario) but that I also should not expect anyone to support me, even loved ones and even if I had a totally valid reason. SO I'm saying get support now - from anyone and everyone that you can, otherwise this event will seem to stay with you for a very long time. Scream the house down if you need to but do not just withdraw, as I did, if people don't understand that you need help. At your age adults are very likely to just say it will 'blow over' - and it may, or may not - but you need to know that you can get support, that's the important thing. Take this as an opportunity to practice getting support form people and don't take no for an answer. Good luck!!!
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