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I've changed my mind about this guy I was casually seeing

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Online dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 February 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ubyandsparks writes:

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about 5 months ago. I’ve been on tinder for the last few months, and a few weeks ago met a guy that I fancied. We went on a few dates, got on well, he was a great guy. I definitely fancied him but I didn’t instantly feel that overwhelming tummy flutter about him.

I carried on dating him because I thought it would be a good move on from my ex. A few nights ago he came to my house for a film etc, and we ended up chatting about our lives. I told him about how my ex had wanted to move away and travel for work and that’s what made us break up. At the point I told him that, he said that he was very keen to work somewhere else for a while, perhaps somewhere else in the world.

As I fancied this guy, but never really thought there would be a future, I told him that was great, and we continued to have a great night, and phenomenal sex.

He fell asleep after we had sex, and I couldn’t sleep. I felt this wave of panic came over me. A few reasons. 1. I felt like I was too deep in with someone I didn’t know all that well. 2. I all of a sudden felt attached to someone who told me his intention is to move away, the same feeling I’d had with my ex, and 3. I felt annoyed at myself for sleeping with him. I’d always prided myself on not doing that in the past.

We woke up in the morning and I told him I had to be honest with him. I’d felt differently after we’d had sex and I’d freaked out about getting in too deep, especially if he’s leaving.

He was so lovely and understanding. He asked if I’d like to be friends instead because he liked me a lot and wouldn’t like to lose me as a friend. I said of course, that would be great.

Then, as soon as he left, I had this insane feeling which I hadn’t felt towards him before. I was all of a sudden devastated that he wants to move away eventually, and felt annoyed at myself for calling it off.

I feel like opening up to him in the morning made me more attracted to him, and it made me put my guard down and be honest.

What do I do now? Do I suggest we meet up as friends sometime? I don’t know if I’m just having post-sex attachment feelings or if all of a sudden, I’ve totally fallen for him!


View related questions: broke up, move on, my ex

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (12 February 2018):

You are over-dramatizing this, most likely due to a psychological reflex to what happened with your ex.

Let him call you. See what he has in mind regarding what this friendship thing entails. Don't sleep with him until there is some sort of commitment. Get your pride and honor back.

As for him moving elsewhere to work, that is a pretty common thought at his age. He doesn't have his feet planted firmly in his career as of yet and wants to do so, wondering whether there aren't better opportunities elsewhere. Few actually do move for a job unless they are in a highly specialized profession or the local employment market is so poor it forces them to move. It was an off-hand comment on his part.

It is great you two can open up communication together! Continue to do so but don't be overly dramatic...that'll definitely drive him away.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou don't know him OP - you said so yourself. You have had a few dates and had sex. THAT is it.

I think whether you want to admit it or not, that you are on the rebound. That is why you had sex. I don't know how many times I have seen people who thinks that having sex will help them "get over" an ex or whatever else is going on in their lives they don't like.

If YOU have decided that you are now friends KEEP sex out of the picture. Which means, KEEP the meet up to public places so you don't put yourself in a position to start having sex or a FWB with this one.

It will soon enough tell you if he really IS someone for you or not.

Having sex too soon is a mistake many people make. Because we WANT the intimacy, we WANT the lust, the closeness etc. etc. It's not really strange. But it really isn't the best way to get to know a person. (other than from a biological standpoint).

Don't beat yourself up.

I wouldn't contact him for a while, I would actually WAIT and see what move HE makes.

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