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I can't get his past trauma out of my mind

Tagged as: Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 February 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2018)
A female India age 26-29, *etty writes:

I don't understand my feelings about this person and I don't know how to tackle it except I can just ignore him from my life, but I cannot.

I had a friend circle at my workplace. wherein this guy was the only one I found genuine amongst all of them.

I always used to notice this guy being bit stone cold person like not giving damn about anything. I never knew why he was like that, the only reason I thought was his girlfriend left him and so he used to be that cold and rude sometimes.

One fine day I asked him, why sometimes he get so depressed and sad or get disconnected with people around him. Further to this, I even asked him if he missed his ex. He kept on refusing for while and then he disclosed a part of his life that makes me regret even today about forcing him to speak up the reality.

What he told was, he had his second relationship but it ended in devastating way. I thought she broke up with him. But then he said that she died. And then so many disturbing things about her life happened to her. When all these he spoke up to me… It killed me inside alot! And then rest of that day I spent crying at my home thinking about it.

After that I cared for him more… but I couldn’t show him since he was that harsh person and I was scared if I would end up hurting. So I just used to look over him or notice him from away if he is fine or need someone to speak and all. Things went on and when he used isolate himself from us and sit in dark thinking about his past it killed me inside always.

I realised that I had grown strong empathy towards him and now its out of my control.

If he is sad, I cry

If he puts painful quotes, I go in depression

His pain gets me anxiety and I end up crying.

While sitting in group if discussion goes in a way where he relate discussion to his late girlfriend life he would speak up something that would again affect me.

I had so many questions to ask for but I never had guts to ask I could. I'm scared.

Whatever he feels it all comes over me and destroy me. It's been 5 months now and still it’s the same. I did felt to stop him and ask him to keep his life to him but I couldn’t do that, thought it would be rude to him.

I don't know what I am going through and regret going through this. I cannot heal myself and him as we are not that close yet and I guess never will be.

Today we both are in our separate ways still we will be touch a little. One thing will not separate from me, that will be the curiosity in me about him doing well in his.

View related questions: broke up, depressed, his ex, workplace

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A female reader, Lucky420 United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2018):

Lucky420 agony auntSorry if I sound harsh but why are you sharing his bad experiences? Let him be.

Do you fancy him? Want a relationship with him? Sounds to me like he is not in a place to be in a relationship so why wallow with him? Do you not have enough problems of your own that you have to take on his too? Be a friend to this guy by all means but keep a distance. Protect yourself. Do not immerse yourself in his sadness and become sad yourself. Empathy is a great quality but don't become the one seeking empathy from others due to taking on his sadness.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

it might sound a little insensitive but now you know the reason of his behavior. so for you is better to maintain calm yourself and let he deal with it. he is an adult and we as an adult seek out for help. if he needs you as a friend he will reach you out but if not just keep yourself away of his emotions.

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