A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve had suspicions my wife has been cheating on me for some time. There were signs all over the place that I just couldn’t ignore. In the end I decided to track her day to day using the ‘Find my iPhone’ app whilst I was at work and the kids were at school. At first I saw nothing strange, she’d go from here to there running errands but lately I’ve seen she’s been making regular trips to the same street, and the icon always ends up on the same spot on that street. It got to a point where she was going almost daily through the week, but made absolutely no mention of it to me. Yesterday I got home from work knowing she’d been there for several hours. I asked her casually how her day was and if she’d done anything interesting and she said no, apart from doing the school runs she hadn’t left the house all day. Now I know for a fact she’s lied to me.I really don’t know what to do. Should I confront her? I checked the street where the house is and none of our close friends or family lives on it, and there aren’t any shops or businesses on it that she could have visited. Clearly she’s been going into the same house and I’m fearing the worst. I do feel guilty for tracking her like that but at the same time felt it's justified given she lied to my face yesterday. She’s been there again today as well. What do you all think I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2019): Can you give us an update OP?
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 December 2019):
You can confront her but what good will it do you? Even if she admits it you have the choice between staying with a cheater or ending up divorced living in a crap apartment while paying her to continue to live in the home you live in now.
The sad fact is you’re married with children. She holds all the cards so you’re stuck with a liar and probably a cheat.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2019):
 You could take a day off work and go knock on the door or you could do the mature thing and start the conversation …. ask her why she seems distant and confess (yes confess) about spying on her movements. She what she answers.
She might be cheating or she might be aware of the tracking app and sending her phone off for the day with somebody else just to teach you a lesson, but you are not going to know until you ASK her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Do not confront her just yet, OP!!
You do not have ENOUGH evidence to nail her. Please listen to my advice.
Cheaters will deny, deny, deny.... even if you present them with evidence or you confront them about all the red flags you've been seeing.
It does sound like she IS cheating from everything you have experienced and uncovered. The emotional distance, lack of interest in sex and being protective around her phone are all classic signs of cheating. The biggest sign of all is being tracked to the same residence for several hours and lying about her whereabouts.
You felt in your gut something was off and you needed to find out the truth. I dont blame you!
I would play dumb for awhile. If you give up your evidence now, she is going to start covering her tracks better or stop seeing this possible affair partner for a period of time. She will never admit she's been seeing someone else. That is a guarantee.
You want to keep acting like nothing is wrong. Let her keep going, unaware you are onto her.
Now what I would do is rent a car that's not yours, or borrow a friend or family member's car and go sit outside the house (the address on the app). Even better, follow her. First you need to establish where she is going. Watch as she leaves the house. Likely her affair partner will kiss or hug her at the door while seeing her off. I would follow her every time she goes. Maybe take a week off work on vacation. You will learn a lot by observing. An app is giving you a location but it's up to you to investigate further.
The app can't be wrong if she keeps going to the same street all the time.
I would also make a phony excuse to go knock on the door to see who lives there. It would be a good idea to disguise yourself.
You need to collect all the evidence. Put all the pieces of the puzzle together before taking action. Revealing what you have too soon could sabotage your quest for the truth.
So, you need to be outside the house. You need to know who lives there. And know who she is inside the house with. If it was me, I would be bold enough to go up to the door and ring the bell. But only after giving them a little time to get into the act. But that's only if you're really sure.
Ever thought about planting a voice activated recorder in her purse? There are so many on the market these days disguised as pens, key chains etc. While she's there, it could record what's really going on.
Patience is key.
Sorry you're going through this. I know how devastating it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2019):
It sounds iffy, if it's "just" a friend and she doesn't even mention that she spend all day at said friend's house.
Though, I find it so invasive to put tracking apps on a partner's phone.
With all the changes recently you mention have you not once asked her :"what's up with us?" Tell her you feel she is pulling away.
Could she be cheating, sure. Would I accuse her of that right off the bat because an APP told you she is there? No, because you don't know WHAT/WHO is there too.
Since you are already snooping on her, WHY not GO there and see what that address is?
Maybe even WHILE she is there?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): It always gets me that people go as far as spying, stalking, and digging-up dirt on people; then when it's time to confront them about what they've found, they don't know what to do!!!
She's your wife! You spied on her, and you presume you've caught her in a lie. You notice she's distant, doesn't care to chat with you much, and spends a lot of time on WhatsApp.
So, when are you going to follow-up on the results of your private-investigation?
Now address the issue, and bring it out into the open. You won't get the truth, unless you ask her "direct" questions; and be man enough to handle the truth.
Dancing around with generic questions about her day are going to get general or evasive responses. Ask her why she spends so much time on so-and-so street? Stop dithering around with her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): It sounds very likely that something is going on. I guess the question is... If she is having an affair what would you do? Would you leave her? If so perhaps you should get all your plans in a row (finances, somewhere to stay etc) before you confront her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Signs are not good, since you know what house she goes to can you not park up and see if you can glean more from her going there? I would say wait until you have further proof but if I was in your shoes I would be highly suspicious of her behaviour I'm afraid..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): This does sound suspicious to me. If it was me I would go to where her phone says she goes and wait for her on her way out. Then ask her what's going on. She couldn't deny anything then. I would have to know. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): After having read tour reply to others I must say that her behavior IS suspicious. But you have no proof.
This is how my bf behaved when he was hiding the texts that he was getting from a girl that was interested in him. He was exttemly protective of his phone and that was I the ore-smartphone "era". Otherwise he was normal. But what was a real red flag for me was the phone since usually he didn't care about it. He wasn't cheating but he was enjoying the attention which was wrong. I can't say what would have happened had I ot confronted him about it. But I had firm proof. She went as far as to showing up at his place of work ad giving him a poem she had written for him. I found the thorn sheet of paper in his jeans pocket while I was doing the laundry. Yes. It was that stupid. Maybe he wanted me to find out? He had asked me to always check his pockets after he had forgotten his passport there once...
You need to either get proof, without violating her privacy and/or talk to her... but seriously talk to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): I think it's really terrible to track your partner like this. Regardless of your reason. If you are suspicious then the only ok thing to do is to talk to the person about your suspicions.
Having said that, at least from what you've said that is suspicious behaviour. So what do you do? YOU TALK TO HER.
Lets say she is cheating and you stalk her and find out, well you've got your answer but you got it by doing something incredibly out of line and creepy.
Let's say she's not cheating and you find that out instead. Well sure you might feel better but now you're the guy who stalked and tracked his totally innocent wife. No good comes from stalking.
Talk to your wife. Tell her your concerns. See what happens. It's the only mature thing you can do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): OP here, for 'EmmyApple' - This is just one of a number of reasons. Over the last few months our sex life has completely nose-dived. We used to do it 2-3 times a week but since August it's only been once or twice a month and she doesn't seem as into it like she normally was and it feels like she's just doing it for my benefit.
The main thing though is she's become really distant with me. Most nights when I get home from work she doesn't seem interested in talking to me, even about simple things. I keep asking her over and over if everything is OK and she assures me it is every time but she's not very convincing and just finds any excuse to end the conversation.
She's also been glued to her phone. Literally she can spend hours on it messaging people on WhatsApp. She also seems really protective of it. One time she left it in the living room and when she saw me sat just inches away from it she made a beeline for it. One night she was on it and I sat next to her on the couch and she immediately put the phone down and didn't touch it again until I got up. Little things like that are making me really suspicious.
I think anyone would assume she was hiding something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Next time you spot that she has gone to the address you could go and see whether her car is outside. It does sound suspicious but perhaps there is an innocent explanation besides her having an affair.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Confront her on it and show her your proof.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (4 December 2019):
Are there other reasons you think she’s cheating on you or is this it? Is your relationship healthy? What made you suspicious enough to start tracking her? What you are describing sounds suspicious BUT there are an infinite number of possibilities here. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt, and believe the best? The more you suspect her, the more paranoid and irrational you are going to get. Do not jump to conclusions. Do not confront her about it yet. You still have little to no evidence of wrongdoing. If you confront her without proof, you will look like the bad guy for not trusting her and going behind her back to track her without her knowledge. If you are sure she is cheating on you, try to get proof. If you’re not sure, then if there is no other evidence, it’s best to stop tracking her, out the whole thing out of your mind and just give her the benefit of the doubt and believe the best about her.
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