A
female
age
41-50,
*lassic events
writes:Hi guys. I am staying with my sister-in-law. when she first came to live with us, she would go with me to my church. then all of a sudden she decided to go to her own church on a different day. why do i feel undermined and irritated by it?is it normal or i am just being irrational. Some of my friends here had suggested i tell her she should go with me to my church, since i am the one taking care of her,(rather like forcing her) but somehow i feel it would not sound right. But each time i leave her at home, while i go to my own church it irritates me and then she goes to hers on another day, i just hate it. Guys is this normal?? i feel as if i am letting her do what she wants bt at the same time dont want to sound touchy.please help
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female
reader, Classic events +, writes (24 October 2011):
Classic events is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much guys for your help especially Battista. I am so grateful. I will do my best to ignore my miL's behaviour. I have allowed myself to be controlled for a long time and its high time i become assertive abou what i want and not to take it out on my SiL. I feel things will be better, thanks to you guys. I will no longer be 'irritated' by her going to her church. When i visit my Mil ,i wont be forced to go to her church
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (24 October 2011):
OP thanks for your update.
Against the background you give then I can completely understand why you feel annoyed. It sounds very much like a case of double standards: they expected you to go to their church when you were with them, but when the situation is reversed your SIL doesn't seem to want to take her own family's advice.
I would feel annoyed about this as well. I also think that attacking your church was rude and unnecessary.
From what you say, though, it sounds as if it's the Mother in law who is the real controlling one if your SIL was happy to go with you until she got told not to. She probably thinks the easiest thing is to do what her mum tells her and avoid conflict.
I think the best thing you can do is try not to let it bother you too much you when your SIL goes to the other church. You seem like a better person than your family in law as you do not feel the need to attack another church. As you say, perhaps they were trying to control you, and you know how unpleasant this can be.
Just try an ignore their behaviour and their seeming insecurities. It seems like the MIL is the root of the problem.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 Pardon me, but I can't see the logic here. So, since your in laws have acted overbearing , disrespectful and inappropriate by pressuring you to go to their church, - then you'll do the same to your SIL and you all will be even ?... Two wrong don't make a right, as I am sure you are aware.
Besides, "my house my rules " does not work for absolutely everything. This is not like , it's your home ,so you get to decide at what time dinner it's going to be, or who gets to use the shower first.
Spiritual matters don't come within the host's or landlord's jurisdiction, and while it is surely corteous for a guest doing her best to accomodate her hosts's tastes and preferences, this does not extend to religion and worship , including worship places.
You mention that when you visited this girl's family you have been " forced " to worship with them. But you haven't been actually forced, you have chosen to comply. You could have simply done exactly what your SIL is doing now : say "no thanks, I will go to the church of my preference".
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A
female
reader, Classic events +, writes (24 October 2011):
Classic events is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the comments. Battista really helped me to identify my problem better. Basically i feel her going to her church is fine and i am very much aware of freedom to worship. Apparently why i feel irritated is because previously before i started staying with her, my mother in law and her other sisters attacked my church saying it was weak and many other things and told me i should go to their own church if i was to be a part of their family,bla bla. And when i visit them guys even now i am forced to go to their church. Only i avoid visiting them for long. So i think it just got me ,and somehow felt if this Sil is under my roof should go to my own church. When she came she went with me but along th way, she was called by Mil not to do that. So i think thats where i felt undermined, i think that explains my feelings. And some of your comments have helped me to open up and i feel better. So the problem really is with my inlaws wanting to control me
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (24 October 2011):
Hi OP
I'm not sure why you feel annoyed about this. You say you are staying with her, but then that she is living with you, so I am assuming she is living under your roof at the moment.
Perhaps you feel that as she is your guest, albeit long-term, it would be polite to accompany you to your church. Or do you feel that your church is superior to hers? Basically, you need to put you finger on WHY you are annoyed about this to be able to work out how to solve the problem.
I personally think that, although you are taking care of her, you should allow her the freedom to worship at her own church. After all, you both pray to the same god don't you? Perhaps she prefers the environment of somewhere that she is familiar with and finds it beneficial to her worship.
I don't really think it is normal for you to hate the fact that she goes to her own church, but until we know why you feel this way then we can't really give a proper answer.
Are there other things she does which you hate as well which might have something to do with it?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (24 October 2011):
Religion can be a touchy subject.
Is your sister in law going to a different church that is the same denomination as your own, or are you upset because she has decided to go to a church of a different denomination?
Perhaps she didn't like the way that the service at your church was presented and felt that exploring other churches and services would provide her with the type of religious experience she wanted? Some people prefer a quiet and traditional service, while others prefer to worship in an active, vibrant, environment.
Religion and what church one chooses is a PERSONAL decision. You cannot force your church on her because it is what you prefer; she has her own religious worshiping needs, and your behavior and anger towards her decision is surely pushing her away from ever even considering returning to your church with you.
Does your religion teach you to feel angry when a person chooses to worship elsewhere? If not, you may want to pay a bit more attention to the services you attend and work on practicing the values that are presented in the sermons in your church in your daily life.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (23 October 2011):
What would Jesus do?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Is there more to this than just the fact the she prefers going to a different church? Is that the only reason you are irritated?
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A
female
reader, Classic events +, writes (23 October 2011):
Classic events is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel some of you guys are having scathing attacks on my person. The reason i wrote a question in the first place is because i need help, whether i am 30 or 40 does not count. Asking for help means something is bothering me but If i am wrong to be bothered by it, it would be nice to be corrected kindly and work out my own weakesses. But not to be attacked. Thanks to urobos . Your remarks are kind and helpful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 October 2011):
You are very controlling. If ( hopefully ) in your country there is freedom of cult, you MUST let her do what she wants in term of religion . So, unless she still is a child, and / or for some reason she is never allowed to go out on her own, where she chooses to practice her religion is none of your business. Even if she should choose to convert to another religion, let alone going to another church.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 You dont say if she is young and in your care. If you are responsible for her well being you could perhaps suggest that you alternate churches, one week to your church and the next week attend the church she prefers.
If your sister in law in not young and you are not responsible for her you need to let her decide for herself which chuch she attends.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Um, what?
You're angry at your sister in law, a grown adult, who goes to the place of worship that SHE enjoys going to?
Really?
And you're 30?
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (23 October 2011):
hello!
you are overreacting a bit. is it really that important what church she goes to? imagine how pissed u'd be if she didnt go to any.....
i'd suggest asking her something like:"i don't feel we're spending enough time together, maybe u fancy going to church with me" if that in anyway helps....but still, in my oppinion u are totally overreacting.
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