A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone so ill try to make it as short as i can ive been stressing over these past couple of days trying to make the best decision. So ive been in a LDR for about 3 months ive met this girl as a friend i also met her family aswell before we even started dating we both liked eachother but due to my job ( which i cannot disclose )we couldnt date but now that i dont work there we decided to start a relationship kinda complicated i know.. well ive been fed up lately because i feel like im the one that is always initiating contact she calls me after work for about 5 minutes and then tells me she will text me call me late and never does...i visit her often every 2 weeks or so and i spend time with her for about a week. I talked to her already about me always initiating contact and she says she will. And she changes for about 3 days and then stops , i feel like shes loosing interest but maybe im over analyzing or am i being too clingy too needy? I don't understand we use to talk almost every night and now she always has an excuse for not talking either too tired or she has friends over or shes out with family. I feel like im going out of my own way to make things work especially being a LDR . I don't want to waste my time if she wont change shes talked to me about being patient . How much time do i give here ? Do i just stop trying and see what she does . I don't want to resort to games to see if she truly loves me and wants to be with me. Ive done that before with plenty of girls and well i decided not to do that with her. But now im questioning how much effort im putting into this relationship. I mean im supportive towards all her goals i encourage her to do her best and im always there for her when shes going through a tough time. Whats the deal? I just wish she would make me feel wanted... so i guess my question is ... is it just me or is there a problem here that im not seeing, is she loosing interest is she not that into me as i am ? Am i going anywhere with this relationship?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 June 2014):
 so you visit her every two weeks for a week at a time?
or did I read that wrong?
anyway LDRS no matter how close they are in distance suck.
my husband and I met at an event and we opted for an NSA/FWB/LDR fun and games event... NOTE he is now my husband.
we were a 2 hour drive apart.
at about 3 months we realized it was getting serious and we started spending pretty much every weekend together... eventually it came down to friday nights all the way till monday morning and I did the 3 hour commute in on Mondays...
we hated it so much that after a year together he gave up his life and moved down to be with me and start a new life.
so here you are at 3 months into an LDR and I ask... what's the plan to end the distance? If there are no plans to end the distance within a few years... I'd give up already.
when we were LDR I needed/wanted more contact than he did.
I liked a daily phone call.... so I said something to him. Now it's hard to stay on the phone for hours EVERY DAY with someone so some days we had almost NO contact but once we were serious... and we knew it, we both compromised... as long as i had some contact I was happy. He set it up so I called him twice a day. Once at 8 am at his request to make sure he was up.. this call was usually less than a minute.
and then I called again at bedtime (mine) for a "tuck in call" most nights he answered some nights, he did not. some nights the call was 2 minutes long other nights two hours... didn't matter as long as we touched base....
I think it's possible you are not wired for an LDR.... some folks can't do it... it's hard.
I wrote an article on determining if your LDR is worth it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-long-distance-relationship-worth-it.html
let me know if it helps you..
A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (22 June 2014):
Hi,
She seems to be fitting you in when it suits her. If I was you, I would not be so 'available' and see what develops. If she doesn't try to get in touch more, then I would just move on. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 June 2014):
Sounds like she is just using you. Grow some distance and see how she reacts to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): One of the most important things we have to do before committing to a relationship; is make sure our partner is on the same page. You both have to want the same thing for the same reasons, and be willing to work together to get there.
In adult relationships, we have to determine how much we want to invest in them to make them work. Therefore; there has to be a mutual understanding from the very start.
You have to also weight the pros and cons, and consider the realities of any given situation. Especially, where romantic emotions are concerned. Feelings tend to be less flexible, and even less forgiving in romantic relationships. Our feelings/emotions are very sensitive to deprivation and neglect. As you already know.
Thus your post.
Without over-analyzing what we have; we still have the responsibility to assess how much our partner contributes and reciprocates, and make sure they are happy. We have to adjust deficiencies in our relationships. It is important that we are happy too.
Sometimes we neglect to follow-up on our partner's needs; because we don't want to open a can of worms, or the truth might not be what we want to hear. Mostly because human-nature usually urges us to want to have our own way. We tend to be selfish.
If your girlfriend doesn't initiate contact, maybe the LDR is just becoming too hard to maintain; or she just would rather see you. She keeps you yearning for her, by starving you for her attention. Since you are so willing to cling by long-distance, you made your own bed. Now lie in it.
I prefer in-person company, over long-distance contact. I have to rely on social media or phone-contact, to communicate with my family. The reason being, is that I chose to live in another state. It was a conscious choice.
If I'm dating, the choice is there to be closer to whomever I want to commit my time too. Very simply put, it's not the same. Necessity over choice. Preference over circumstance.
LDR's are a challenge. They present a test of endurance and patience. People are mentally-wired to want company and physical-contact. Isolation to most humans is "punishment." When you put distance between you, there isn't the option to immediately seek another person's physical presence. Most of us need things in an instant. Immediate gratification. More these days than ever. Technology may shorten distance virtually; but not in reality.
The isn't the convenience of sitting next to you, or walking into the next room; and there you are. Instead, you only see each other every other week or so. The only option is to Skype, message, or call. Not as intimate, or as satisfying to the natural-senses. Females are more apt to express their emotions. They don't hide their feelings. I think you're getting the message.
There is a long period of absence. Under these conditions, people learn to live their lives separately at some point. The mind requires independence. It tires of waiting. So you find other ways to occupy your time. Then the waiting becomes less of a burden. Am I making any sense here?
The mind will search for alternatives to adjust to the situation; if we are denied something or deprived of an emotional need. So her need to contact you lessens. The effort through artificial means, becomes an act of tedium.
So she leaves that task up to you. If she had it her way, it would probably be different.
Commitments require a lot of effort. Add distance, and it becomes more strenuous. It requires more commitment.
Being as young as you both are, that is a relentless task.
That is a very heavy demand on the both of you mentally.
No matter how much I advise people to the contrary; they insist that they can make LDR's work. Yet they consistently complain about the very things I warn them about. Patience is your only remedy; if you insist that they continue.
People are not naturally wired for long-distance relationships. So they have to put forth considerable effort, and have super-human patience to keep them afloat. Sometimes your needs will override your patience. You will long for intimacy and physical comfort. As time denies you these needs. You may subconsciously give up, even though you really love that person. What may be enough for you, doesn't mean it's enough for her. We don't all have equal endurance under certain stressful situations.
So where do you compromise?
You have talked to her, and she wasn't able to keep up her end of the deal. That may mean her desire to maintain your relationship over long-distance is waning; or she has found something/someone to better occupy her time. Either case, you come up short.
Either move closer, or reconsider if clinging to the relationship under the present conditions is enough for you. I don't think it is for her.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (21 June 2014):
 Hello,
To be honest, and I am sorry if its not what you want to hear, but it sounds like this isn't going anywhere.
To be fair - you have been in an LDR for three months, so talk of true love and commitment is a bit premature at this stage. As you presumably don't see each other much because of the distance, and phone/text contact has dwindled, you don't seem to actually have much of a relationship here.
LDR's are always difficult and take a lot of effort and commitment from both sides. If after a few months she is not bothering to make the effort or take the initiative then, realistically, the writing is on the wall. If you do stay together,, with nothing changing, then looking to the long term its going to be a problem. For this relationship to stop being the virtual one it is now and start being a proper, face to face relationship, either she needs to move to where you live, or you move to her. If she cant even both to send texts or pick the phone up then that's not going to happen, so why waste your time trying to make an LDR work that needs her, and you, to be trying to overcome the distance?
You have asked her several times to change, which she needed to, and she soon went back to her old ways and makes lame excuses. If she is too tired to talk to you, then what have you got? NOTHING! To be blunt, your getting little out of this and will continue to do so.
Asking you to be patient is naïve on her part. In an LDR you have to both work harder to overcome the distance. As you have little opportunity to get to know each other face to face so have to work harder with other forms of communication to get to know each other and keep things rolling. Sorry but I would end this as its going no where. It sounds like she has pretty much ended it anyway but is making excuses rather than being honest.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Hanii_90805 +, writes (21 June 2014):
Don't completely give up on her but be more distant with her she'll come around hopefully as for time I do not know however if you feel like your wasting your time it's better if you tell her how you depending on her response you will no what to do
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