A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 now, but when I was 14 in high school I secretly had a crush on a guy. After graduation, we hooked up (made out) a couple of times, but then he disappeared, got married and had a kid. During his marriage, he started emailing me - 27 emails in a day - but then I realized I was having feelings for him and asked him to stop.Four years later, he is divorced, and we started emailing; we hadn't seen each other for over 10 years. I was rather heavy in high school and felt insecure due to my weight - that has always been a problem for me, I think because I was unhappy with the place I was living in. So I didn't send him pictures of myself because I "knew" that would be a dealbreaker. I keep hearing that I am beautiful and attractive, but no guy has ever hit on me or asked me out. Yes, I am 30. We stayed connected throughout my travels, texting in the morning, emailing (up to 75 times) a day, EVERY DAY, all the time. He then started talking about sex, what he would do to me, etc, very explicitly. I was finishing medical school and while I was talking to him every day, I went from 100 kg (I gained weight after losing my dad) to now 74 kg (I am 5'6"), just from being happy because I felt liked and appreciated by him.Basically, I was not yet "done" losing weight (am going to lose 15 more kgs), but he insisted on coming to see me graduate from med school. My self confidence was low at the time, and well, he suddenly went from being all "baby, beautiful, honey" to "friend". He never told me straight out that I was unattractive to him, but he DID say he still had feelings for his ex-gf (who he found in bed with someone else) but who has moved on with someone else. My question is this: is appearance so important that it trumps everything else? That he would still love a bitch who cheats on him, but is thin (not beautiful, just thin!)? Even when you have history, trust, laughter, humor, chemistry? But does it, for men, always come down to those magic extra kilos and pounds that turn out to be a dealbreaker? If he had been overweight, I would still have loved him... perhaps even more, because I would have wanted to help him. I feel badly about this, because I did love the guy, and on some level at least, after all this time and energy, I feel like he was a soulmate, and he said as much one time. Doing a 180 from the late night phone calls to just seeing me and deciding I wasn't worth it - is that all men are? I just feel like punishing myself and losing these extra kgs in any way possible and being a bitch back. I mean, if that's all there is to it...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is the OP here. THANK YOU all so incredibly much for your thoughtful answers - they really mean so much. I know it's time to move on etc. and I can see - clearly then and now - that he used me as a safety blanket/bandaid to get affirmation after his girlfriend cheated on him.
Thing is! My mom, being the generous person she is (eye roll), decided to treat a couple of my friends to air tickets to Sri Lanka with me after I graduated. For some reason, I conveyed the offer to this guy, and he and I traveled alone (on my expense) for a holiday. BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, two days before we left, he was like "I'm falling in love", and we still kept talking and texting the whole time, even after my graduation. When we arrived in Sri Lanka, he admitted that he still loved whatsherface and that he had been using me for affirmation.
So my question isn't "did he like me?", it was about how important weight would have been to another guy in this situation. I KNOW he liked me (you can't fake that kind of 6am - 11 pm interest in someone for 18 months), everyone around me kept saying that, he gave me all the attention in the world, talked about marriage, sex, and then just discarded me once he got his ticket???! After 18 months of constant contact?
Yes I had low self confidence, but it was only because he forced himself upon my graduation day (I wasn't "done" with my makeover), and because he used to be a bit of a player, a very goodlooking musician-type, with his choice of female companions. So there was definitely a connection, but I am SO CONFUSED because we were best friends whose every contact seemed to indicate sexual compatibility, BUT he wasn't attracted to me. (I'm not ugly, men do look at me wherever I go, but I don't let people in easily because of having been raped when I was 13.)
Anyway, in other words, he wanted me until he saw me. He kept saying "should I just book a hotel room for us on your graduation?". So he came, he saw me, accepted a free plane ride, and walked away scot-free.
Yes, I am confused, and hoping to high heaven he is gay. Sorry for the rambling, but you should see what it looks like inside my head! :(
A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (1 November 2009):
 Ask oldersister sums it up perfectly in my opinion. Excellent insights.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (1 November 2009):
 You don't know for sure it was because of the weight so don't be too quick to formulate your revenge plans- online interaction is dicey because you can't see the person and get a real feel if you like them or not, more like a fantasy relationship. Any number of factors can throw the chemistry off, not just weight. I'm inclined to think that if he was truly the kind of guy that has any issues with women being chubby or not thin, he'd demand a recent pic before he got too involved. What stood out most to me in your post was you said your confidence was at an all time low- I think this was the deal breaker. Low confidence has a way of subduing even your most attractive features and making the unattractive ones stand out more.
As far as being a bitch back, I think your anger is misplaced. For whatever reason, despite graduating from medical school (major achievement), you didn't feel good about yourself and now you want to retaliate against this guy for it. I don't think it's about him, it's about how you feel about yourself. They say depression and low esteem is anger directed inward and I think it's worth exploring what caused this, what's your inner dialoque, because this is going to prevent you from having good relationships. Take care.
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A
female
reader, MissKin  + ♥, writes (1 November 2009):
 I weigh more than you do, and though i AM trying to lose weight, i'm doing it more for my health than for a guy. Because i have a boyfriend. A lovely sweet amazing guy who i'd do anything for and who would love me if i put on tons more weight or lost a whole load of it.
You just need to integrate with lots of different people. People are always different in person than they are over email as well, so emails are a bad way of judging character. You don't weigh a lot. And curves tend to be more appreciated that stick-figure bodies by a lot of me (not all, but a lot).
Just try to have confidence in yourself and find somebody who likes you for you. :) There are loads of guys out there who would consider themselves lucky to be with you, so don't dwell on this one bad experience.
all the best.
x
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A
male
reader, thenotsogreat  + ♥, writes (1 November 2009):
 i doubt it, 75kgs isnt fat by the way.You have the curves guys just love dear. Id say that this was a long drawn out issue. He sounds like he was using you as a safety blanket. To winge about his ex.Hes probably deep in love with her and will spend the rest of his life being a doormat. Yes guys end up like that too. Sad huhpity him but dont take him seriously. If you're finishing med school I doubt you've had time to met anyone. So get out there and have a great time.Now if you will excuse me thinking of your curves... i need a cold shower
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Since we can only hear your side of the story, it's impossible for us to tell you why the relationship soured. It might be because of your weight, it might be because of a thousand other things.
The truth is, though, the relationship is over now, and instead of killing yourself going over and over in your head the "whys" and "whats" and "whos", you need to concentrate on getting OVER him. It doesn't matter WHY you two broke up, it only matters that you did, and now it's time to move on.
Think of it this way, everyone is different, you know this. So obviously you already know that not every man wants an ultra-skinny woman. If that were true, no overweight woman would ever lose her virginity, have boyfriends, get married or have kids. There wouldn't be 'chubby girl porn' or 'fat admirers". So obviously not every guy likes the same thing. Your weight will factor in SOME men's desire to date you, but not ALL men. Just like some guys won't date brunettes, or dumb chicks. Everyone has a type. You are someone's type, you just gotta get over your ex so you can find him.
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