A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so it's kind of a complex situation. My boyfriend (on and off) of more than 5 years and I have decided we want to get married. I have just recently finished college and am currently looking for a decent job. He has just decided he doesn't want to pursue his current degree, but finish with an English degree and become a writer. Throughout college, he has supported himself through college grants/loans and money from a rich relative (that will end once he graduates). He has no experience or skills and can't even get a job at the local supermarket. In the past, since my jobs were usually minimum wage or part time (because of class schedules), if I needed it, he would put in for me for rent or bills. Assuming I can find a well-paying job soon, he plans to write while I am the sole breadwinner. Although he is very intelligent, I have not seen him complete a single short story since before we met (in our sophomore year of college) and I worry that I will not be able to support us both (especially since college loans are just around the corner for us both.) Throughout the years, he has been the only one who has been there for me, who could make me laugh, and challenge my intellect. However, these days I just see a 25 year old boy who would rather write an RPG campaign rather than attempt a short story to prove me wrong. I find myself resenting him more and more as I work my awful job (a crappy cashier position) and come home to find that he hasn't done a single thing all day. He is very close to graduation, but without an inkling of a prospective job short of novel author. So, here's my question: Is this relationship salvageable? I love him very much, but I don't know if I can be the so-called bringer of bacon and keep the faith that his writing will pan out. When I bring up my concerns, he becomes defensive and throws his previous financial support for me in my face. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): He sounds a hell of a lot like me. Actually, he sounds exactly like me. To be honest, I don't think it's fair that you have to do all the work. He wants to be a novelist and is supposedly working on becoming one - in the same way that I am (which means making little to no progress for years on end). I'd urge him to get some sort of part-time job at least. On a more positive note, if you two end up having kids, you can save childcare costs because he'll be able to mind the kids. He'd be a house-husband.
A
male
reader, H2H +, writes (16 March 2008):
Asking if the relationship is salvageable is the wrong question. There's a "sacrifice" idea going on here.
You've just decided you want to have a life in common: a marriage. That means you both have to sacrifice for your mutual life together. That may mean both of you working at jobs that you don't like and you don't feel pay enough for a while.
If feel as if you're being asked to sacrifice *for him* and it seems he feels like he's "sacrificed for you" in the past. This road leads to a bad end and is completely unsalvageable. Giving with expectations of return is not giving: at best, it's investing.
He thinks he wants to be a novelist, but that's just how he translates a very deep creative urge into concrete and socially lauded terms.
Who knows how or when this urge will eventually express itself. And who knows if this expression will socially and financially rewarded?
Perhaps, his passion for RPGs will lead him towards where he really needs to go. But the bottom line is, it seems to be something that he can ignore only at the peril of not a whole person.
If you want to marry him, you need to accept this possibility. If you are looking for something more "standard" then don't marry him. Save both of you a great deal of grief.
Of course, it cuts both ways. You have your own deep urges that you must fulfill to be complete. And if he wants to marry you, he has to accept that too.
Also, there are the practical matters of finance, student loans and the potentiality of raising children which is expensive in the extreme.
He is probably feeling vulnerable and concerned about how to live while doing what he needs to do. After you have accepted the realities of who he is and needs to become, you might try this.
Remind him that T.S. Eliot worked as a bank clerk so he could afford to write. Remind him, that any free time he has is an opportunity to write. His lunch and coffee breaks, etc. Remind him that everything he experiences, especially the frustrations, can be placed in the service of whatever form his arts takes.
The whole question of financial success from artistic endeavor is completely beside the point and leads to problems like the two of you are now dealing with.
Artistic endeavors have all the rewards built into the doing itself. How to make a living is a completely separate issue for all but the independently wealthy and the very few whom society lauds.
Once you have fully satisfy your half of the relationship, then you will be able to know if he will satisfy his half of it. He's asking for your support and acceptance. Give it to him. Then find out if he's willing to give you the same.
Any relationship where that is not true on both sides is not really workable and will break down sooner or later. Better to find out sooner.
There's lots of possibilities that remain open for both of you and your relationship if both of your eyes are open to them. The truth is always somewhere "outside the box."
--H2H
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): He definately sounds like a great guy, but you should probably find someone with a higher paying job, or someone that has the same bsic goals as you.
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (15 March 2008):
 Often I think people see money as having anything to do with relationships, because money has nothing to do with the heart.
I suggest that you guys really need to connect and stop resenting each other.
Separate out all the concepts and premises and form logical conclusions from each concept:
You love him.
You want to get married.
Need money to live and pay rent.
You are not willing to pay his way.
You can't live together if he doesn't pay rent.
He won't pay rent.
If you can't live together you can't be married.
You still love him, but can't get married, since he's unwilling to pay rent.
I suggest coming up with a dollar amount you both need to contribute to the household, and stay firm to it.
You also need to support his being wanting to be a writer. You say he's smart, so why don't you believe in him? At the same time, he needs to support your household financially.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 Love is beautiful and happiness.
If you cannot satisfy those criteria, there is no way I want to stay in a relationship.
I will treat him as a friend only .
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (15 March 2008):
 It may be tough to salvage but if you love him as you say you do you can find a solution to the problem.
For one thing you need to lay down the law. Make him prove himself before you agree to anything.
Let him know that he must prove that he can support you, not you him.
Of course it sounds like you plan to work but your working should be optional not mandated because of him.
As far as him becoming indignant when you bring up the subject, of course he does. You are sprinkling a little salt on a wound he has opened. Now he has to deal with it and it is aparently a touchy subject for him.
Writing is not an easy thing to do. I know, I am working on a book. It takes lots of self dicipline, something not everyone has lots of.
Just let him know that it is a case of either, or.
You tell him that you will not commit to a relationship with trouble from the start. Doc
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