A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don'tknow if i am the only one Who experience this feeling, but lately it overwhelms me and makes me feel restless. Short story: 20 years of marriage, 2 kids are in college, last year we are empty nesters. I was stay at home mom. When first child went to college, my husband lost his job, and we opened business together. We had hard times, but a year ago it's sort of became somewhat profitable. A year ago with no one at the house, I was getting bored and was actively helping my husband in business. I discovered a lot of things and insanities that were going on and was trying very hard to put it under some order.My husband personality is on a way. He argues, when there is a problem just shrugs his shoulders, forgets everything, not reliable, finds his way out of conflicts blaming all and everything. At work he spends hours on a toilet reading. And when I say hours, I mean hours. It's at least 4 times a day, half an hour each. He leaves bathroom only when I knock. He is a chatter box with customers, he never has time to do his job, and now when we hired an employee, situation became even more stressfull for me. My husband now blaims his employee that he takes time from his work, because he has to explain a guy what to do,which is a joke. The result is that our employee does his work slow, always confused of what's going on, and we really not making much money on him after all. When I ask questions both of them answer me jokingly and I have a hard time understanding what's going. Few weeks ago, I was offered a job as a translator, and I took it. It's a very part time job, it only started with 5-6 hours a week, but because I speak fluently 4 languages, they are giving me more and more hours every week Now I am called occasionally as I still come to store every day. This job pays very well, between 80 and 100$ per hour. I receive now between 800-1000$ a week for really working just a couple hours a day. After I started working, something changed inside of me. Not only I don't want to work with my husband anymore, I really don't want to live with him anymore. I feel exhausted of all these years sorting out never ending problems, and dealing with his personality. I am ready to go and never look back. I don't want to argue anymoreand discuss anything with this man, I don't want to deal with him at all. Now, when I can live very well independently I don't even want to talk to him that much. It makes me very sad, but the way I feel about him, and how tired and depressed he makes me feel, is just killing me. I don't know if it's a stage I go through, or may be its time for us to part? He argues with me about everything always trying to prove his point of view. There is ALWAYS some sort of misunderstanding, doesn't matter what we are talking about. I don't know if it's a pemporary feeling I am experiencing, but the desire to leave is overbearing. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I can relate to the feeling of exhaustion and dealing with a partners difficult personality; it’s a never ending cycle where you don’t get a brain holiday! For me, my feminine qualities and pursuits are gradually robbed when I’m constantly required elsewhere in order to fill in for his male role. It gets depressing sure enough and I think I need a brain holiday – A CRUISE!
As I see it, there are 3 problems… firstly, you could let this business sadly dissolve and let it run its course under the management of your husband from here on; which will allow you to further pursue the avenue of translating.
Secondly given that you deal with a difficult personality, this is something you’ve growing accustomed to, yet grown tired of over the years. This is not going to change or go away overnight… After all some men don’t evolve over time – 20 years, especially if they’ve been left to continue and repeat their ways. He also reflects someone who is inadequate in dealing with people when e.g. he hides away in the closet – WC. It’s hard to run a business from there unless you install on phone or completely remove the toilet paper :) ?
Thirdly, perhaps counting your blessings in that he is not a scoundrel does not appease the pain of putting up with his stubbornness and quirks. It is true that you need more than that to survive a marriage and remain happily fulfilled. So I think a period of time would be fair in order to adjust to becoming empty nesters. I know you can wake up one morning feeling who on Earth is this person sitting opposite me, how did we ever get together, what have we in common now?
Even so you must state your grievances to him; give him opportunity to digest and rectify the situation (allow some time for this to form into action) and advise him of the consequence thereof.
Hopefully there won’t be any misunderstanding after this as you have the financial independence to move on or take a pause from each other to reconnect afterwards; the ball is in his court.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): Thank you all for answering.
This is what will happen, I will leave business to him, but it's not going to survive long. I get him out of a bathroom for only one reason: there is a customer upfront that needs to talk to him.
He was always a little on a weird side, and I was ok with it until it came to business. If he was quiet in his weirdness and let me fill in the cracks where he is incapable of managing, I would be ok even with his personal traits, but heis agressive and stands in a way of me trying to manage. Every day some customer complains that it's been ages since he/she ordered something and they don't want to wait anymore. My husband's absolutely incapable of managing his time, he is absent minded and very forgetful.
But on top of that he is resistant and stubborn. When I started working there full time, this business went ahead significantly, and I am kind of proud of it. But everyday stress and being around my husband seeing what he does with his time, and trying to get things done are just beyond me.
It will come to this one way or another that he will be on his own, and I will have to look the other way, but he will destroy what was built for sure.
Yes, he doesn't have any addictions, and he doesn't cheat, buti can't appreciate things he doesn't do. I gues I should be gratefull in a way that he is not bad this way, but it's kind of hard to try to remind myself that I am a lucky lucky girl that my husband is not that bad of a person. It's kind of not enough for a happy marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): this reminds me of my parents. They have been married for some 30 odd years, they work together as well and employ some 15 people, so it's very stressful and they bicker a lot. individually they have many flaws and the only reason I think they stay together, apart from loving each other is that they have spent so much of their lives together (since my mom was 15 and dad was 21) that I don't think they know what life is without one another, and they simply got used to arguing and just accept each other the way they are. Like someone pointed out your husband has his flaws, and he's not abusive or has any significant issues, so many you should consider: 1. telling him you're no longer working with him and see that if you separate your work from your marriage you can still save the relationship 2. consider if deep down you still love him, because there are times you love and hate someone at the same time 3. Take time to think things over, maybe a trial separation would suit you? while that maybe you and your husband should consider counseling.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I know a lot of people are going to disagree with my advice but here goes. Your husband is not abusive, does not have an addiction problem, is not cheating on you. He's basically a normal guy with normal flaws. Ok so he's annoys you, especially as you're working more closely together. This will happen to any couple. If you're living together and working together, that is going to put a strain on the relationship. Before you consider divorce, focus more on your own career as a translator and leave the business to your husband. You're probably grating on his nerves too, always monitoring how many times he uses the bathroom and for how long. That would drive anybody nuts. It's a bit too controlling.
So my advice would be to spend more time at your translator job. Leave the business for your husband to run, and that way you're out of each other's hair. Give it a trial period of 6 months and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 December 2013):
 I don't think it's temporary at all. I think it's been building for years you have just managed to ignore it because you wee financially dependent on him.
Now that you no longer HAVE to stay, you notice all the things that annoyed you for YEARS.
I would suggest that you TALK to him, and even consider a marriage counselor, after all you stuck with him for 20 years for a reason, so isn't it worth seeing if you still can make it work?
If all that fails, then GO for it. Seek your happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): I'm only 23, and I've never been married.However, it sounds to me like you would be much happier on your own.Obviously, if you leave your husband, it will be very hard, both emotionally (you might regret it at first, you'll be lonely if you live by yourself, it will be hard if you have mutual friends, you'll probably stop talking to his family, you'll have to explain it to your children, etc etc) and logistically (moving, sorting out finances, getting a divorce).That all being said--you only have one life. You don't want to look back in 10 years and say, "I wish I had left." Or vice versa, of course…Have you talked to your husband? It's possible that he's on the same page you are.Of course, the other option is the whole "save the marriage" route, with couples counseling and stuff. It's up to you to decide if that would help you or not.Best of luck!!!!
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