A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I get out of my relationship now? I am currently taking a break from my relationship with my boyfriend because I am working on issues from my past. My question is if he is abusive. Since we've been together for about 7 months a few things have happened that i just can't let go of. I was so in love with him at the beginning and he was so respectful, but then my ex fiance who was abusive kept resurfacing in my mind, so i started pushing my boyfriend away. i would get so mad if he tried to talk about it, and we would start yelling. I can't drive when someone is yelling at me, so i yelled at him to get out of my car. of course he didn't and just slammed my car door. then later that night i wanted him out of my room (he was staying with me for 3 weeks before he started his new job) and he wouldn't leave. so i started packing his stuff including the jewerly box he made me. well, he threw it at the wall. then he stood in front of my door and i tried to get him out of the way so i could open the door but he wouldn't budge, i scratched at him and he pushed me onto the bed twice. another time i wanted to leave because he was keeping me up trying to talk about why i was being so distant while i was trying to sleep. i couldn't take it and wanted to leave, but he took my phone and keys and blocked the door again. If this is abuse, please let me know. I have been in many abusive relationships with guys much older than me. My boyfriend is a year younger and has only dated one other girl for 5 months, and says he isn't abusive, and that he will never do those things again, it's just he didn't want to lose me. I told him that maybe he doesn't even know what he is capable of because it's too early to tell. I don't want to blame it on myself, but maybe i just pushed him away so much until he snapped. I have noticed myself cussing more at him and criticizing his looks-which i'm not proud of. My most recent ex fiance never cussed at me, but he did criticize my looks and was emotionally abusive, and it was slightly becoming physcial. Am I in an abusive relationship? Should i get out now, or trust that he won't do those things again?
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female
reader, Renata1967 +, writes (6 October 2008):
Continue to work on your issues from your past and get in a better frame of mind. Honestly, this relationship sounds like someday it would get physically aggressive/abusive. From what you describe of him, he really seems kinda control-freaky to me....
A
female
reader, leanne _a  +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I know just how you feel ! i was with my ex partner who was abusive he was like the devil and i can say hand on my heart i hate his guts just to let you in a bit ....
he was still living with his parents at 23 so was very hard to get any time and when we did i had to get a bus for 45 mins and then walk another 45 mins sometimes in freezing cold snow and rain while that lazy so and so would be tucked up even though he could drive but he didnt care one bit and do you know what i got for the thanks ... a row about nothing then he used to spit at me call me the most horriable names you have heard put me down so much that at times i thought why i am i putting myself through this ! that was jsut the tip of the ice berg day after day he called me names when things were good it was great but deep down inside a man like that can never change there had been times i was on my knees begging him not to leave and i had done nothing this was all because i had put up with this once it starts it wont go away i loved him with all my heart well so i thought ! i got out of this Beacuse i meet my husband i know this would have been much harder if i had left and had not meet anyone thats when you feel at your lowest but hey i bet ur a beautiful girl with the whole world ahead of you ! if he does not respect you what right has he got to what respect back !!! you go out have a nice time with the girls watch how much attention you get and think why am i with such a a pr**k when i could have a REAL MAN !!! xx
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (5 October 2008):
 People who have been or are being abused quiet often become abusers themselves. It sounds as if you picked up the traits somewhat. You must first accept this fact. Knowing what caused your bf to push you down or take the keys and phone to prevent you from leaving will help you to better understand his motive. Certainly being pushed can be considered abuse however if you were *scrathing him,then you were abusing him. If he hasn't given you other reasons to believe that he is abusive consider that he may have been simply reacting to being attacked.(scratched)
When you say he has prevented your leaving or have access to your phone, it was his way of controlling the situation. (He didn't want to loose you) He told you this himself. It might not have been the best way to get thru to you. When people are in a panicked state they often act out or use this tactic for fear of loosing control. This is something that he must work on.
The two of you need to have a clear understanding of what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship. You must take self control over your own actions and stop the abusive behaviors. Let him know that you are willing to work on this if it is really what you both want. Make sure however that he is sincere and don't allow him to abuse you EVER! I would suggest that you enter some type of facility to get help with your Anger and Abuse problems. You must get the help you need before you can truely move on into a healthy relationship. Take a step back and just let him know where you stand and STOP ABUSEING HIM! If you read over what you wrote it seems that you were the one pushing him away, yet leting him get closer to you, confusing his perception of the relationsship. If he is afraid of loosing you he could be too emotionally involved with you and may not have a clear understanding of the relationship. This is up to you to set straight.
Get the help that you need and you will be ok in no time. Might not hurt him to attend some of the clinic meetings and such. Seek God's and His Infinate Wisdom.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): I suggest you get professional help URGENTLY.
STOP blaming your ex boyfriend and now the present one. START sweeping in front of your own door. You need help. FORGET about all these guys, they might have contributed to your bad behavior or might even aggrivate the problem, but you are responsible for your own behavior and you are not acting as a emotionally mature and intelligent person.
Stop find the fault with others. Do some retrospection and start helping yourself to improve yourself.
Stop seeing these guys and work on improving yourself. Also find away to attract better people towards yourself. Stop associating with abusive losers.
Have enough love for yourself and dignity to raise your chin and start a new life for yourself without these "creeps" but you have to improve yourself and change your behavior.
GOOD LUCK.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I think the two of you are a bad combination at this time. You have learned yourself how to be abusive in a relationship and if you were to ask me, withholding how you feel about someone is abusive. Asking someone to leave constantly is abusive. Scratching someone is abusive. Him forcing you to talk and not letting you pass a door is abusive. I think the two of you need a cooling off and you for one need to learn how to give and take in a relationship. I believe you learned some bad abusive behaviours in your last relationship and perhaps you are acting out these behaviours in your new relationship. I think you need to spend some time alone and get past your previous relationship. Your new man deserves to be with someone who can give completely and not withhold because she is thinking of a past relationship.
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A
female
reader, nezza351 +, writes (5 October 2008):
having read your question, there are a couple of things that jump out at me. first is that your boyfriend isnt abusive hes desparate not to lose you. i dont know any of the rest of the scenario's that have happened but it appears that he loves you enough not to want to lose you. sweetie i know this isnt what you want to hear but maybe you are abusing him slightly. not in the way of physical harm but emotionally by pushing him away and cussing at him. This may be your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt again. If you love this man dont make him go away, work through your emotional upheaval together. it will make you stronger as a couple. Otherwise if you dont love him, leave him otherwise you will both end up feeling emotionally and physically hurt. Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, chandra Mcmillan +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I would say that like all relationships there are two sides the story. To you he may be a bit controlling but to him he may feel like he is trying to protect you. You sound like you may be suffering with depression or stress and somtimes you yourself loose it, and scratch and push at him, maybe he pushed you on to the bed to stop you from hurting him and he locked the door because he was afraid you would do somthing silly. I can not say this is true but you must look at the arguments and decide if it all him trying to dominate you. You have already stated that you put his appearance down which is somthing your ex did to you. Maybe you have picked up other things that he has done. The best advice I can give to you is have a break from men! Tell him you need to be alone to sort your own head out! To get rid of your own demons. You dont NEED a man, but you need claritty in who you are with and thi sounds like a confussed relationship.GOOD LUCK
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 October 2008):
You're being pretty abusive to him and I don't think he is giving as good as he is getting.
From the sounds of it you are not ready to be in any relationship.
Why not be single and work through your issues till you are ready to find a guy and get off to a good start.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anon642 +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I agree with hlskitten.
I think you should put the relationship to end.
And i personally think that you should go and see your doctor and get refered to a counsellor, something like seeing a counsellor once a week for about 10 weeks, just to discuss your past and help toward your future relations.
So yes, it is abuse, slight abuse, but abuse is abuse, and slight abuse can lead to intense abuse.
So i think that the relationship should end, you both get help for your own personal problems, avoid contact, and at the end of seeking help, decide what is best.
Maybe seeking help will allow you to restart a relationship, and it may also help you see that it was a good decision to move on and both go your separate ways.
Either way, for the time being, i would end it.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (5 October 2008):
 Sounds a bit of a control freak to me? Or maybe a battle of wills? It sounds like you bring the worst out in each other. Some people just aren't good for each other. Him stopping you going out the door is very wrong, but so is scratching him and putting his appearence down all the time.
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): i no that you may not wanna hear this but you should get out now cuz he wont stop those things he is doing to you he says he will but it dont mean that he wont. i had a really good friend of mine that said he would never hit a girl and just the other day he hit me so i wouldnt trust that your bf is gonna changel. get out now before its too late. my boyfriend is really pissed off at the guy who hit me.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I dont think he is, i think it is your head. you are obviously not ready for a bf atmo... because of the bad stuff that has happened in you past, which is understandable. It sounds as if he is trying to sort things out with you, and you are puchisng him away. I dont mean to be blunt, but i would dump him because you are treating him badly. I am NOT saying that this is you fault.
Let him move on to someone who is ready.
all the ebst
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