A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My relationship of 6 years ended in September. We have a two year old son and run a business together. We get on very well and are the best of friend but he said he doesn't love me the way he feels he should. He was having strong feelings for another woman and was scared he would end up cheating on me. A week after the relationship ended he started a relationship with this other woman, who lived four hours away. He stayed the weekend. When he came home, we had a good talk and he decided to tell me out of the blue, that things happened but he couldn't sleep with her, he found it difficult to let go of me. The relationship ended a week later, he said the feelings gone. He then got himself into another one, which was much closer to home. This one he seemed excited about; he got along really well with her. But again he told me he found having sex with her very difficult. After spending a weekend with her, on the Sunday he started texting me more often than usual, asking me to meet him for dinner. I tried not to meet up with him as I decided for me to move on I had to back off. I was hurting too much but acting brave and still being there for him. I told him I already had lunch but after given him a few knock downs, he told me he would be round in 10 minutes, we could go to the bakery and just have a daunt. He came round and picked me up; I spoke about anything I could other than us, but eventually he asked if I would take him back. I cried said yes. He told me hasn't ended it with his new girlfriend yet but she made him realise he wanted to make his life with me and our son. He ended. That was the end of October. We had a great Christmas together and New Year. He was due to go down south for business reasons the end of January. So off he went for a week. He came home and a few days after coming home, he ended our relationship again, due to him having feeling for the woman he was working with for the week. She was already a friend and there was already a friendly connection there. He said he can't love me, if he keeps feeling like this.So now he is seeing this woman, who stays 6 hours away. He went down for a few weeks and now she is up here for a week. He wants us to still be as close as we are now, but just not have a sexual relationship, which I find very difficult and upsetting. He is still having difficulty having sex with other woman but whenever we are alone, if I hug him he automatically gets aroused. And the other day we ended up having sex. He said he would never have cheated on me, so feels guilty but it was just too easy and he wanted to make me aware that it happened because it was me, that he would never had done it if it was anyone else. I did apologised but he said he wanted it just as much as I did I asked him the other day if he had ever loved me, or if he was always just fooling himself. He said no, he did love me. He also added at the end that who’s to know if he's not fooling himself now.I am hoping this is a chapter and that maybe the first time we separated before Christmas just wasn't long enough for him to realise he does love me. As I believe he does. But part of me feels I'm being the fool for thinking this is short term. He already compares her to me he said the other day. And I don’t think she will cope with how close he wants us to be. I would think any woman would find it difficult to be comfortable with our relationship because we are still very close. He still kisses me and holds my hand.I do want him to come back but not sure if I'm waiting for nothing. I'm also not sure if it’s a good idea to stay as close as I am because of what happened the other day and the fact they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. How is he supposed to miss me, if I'm still always there? What do others think of this situation and do you think I'm wasting my time and heartache for nothing?
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cheated on me, christmas, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for all your feed back, I understand were everyone is coming from. I have thought this over a number of times. I often think for me to move on I have to say enough is enough. But the problem I have is every time I build up the courage to do so, I bottle out because I'm worried I will end up with regret. I have a lump in my throat at the very thought of us not being together as a couple and him being with someone new, but at the same time I have an even bigger lump at the thought of not having him as my best friend and in my life. So even though I will be mentally stable walking away and getting on with my life without him a great part of it, he was my best friend before we got together and still is, I feel I would be losing alot more by throwing away our friendship as well.Our mothers are very close friends also and most our friends and family share the same hobby. So I have no one really to speak to and have to act like I'm ok with the whole situation. The only person I have spoken to about my feeling and he has given me a shoulder to cry on, is my now ex. I find it very comforting and he listens to what I have to say and reassures me everything will work out. I don't feel I can speak to anyone else because we are all too close as a group and it might cause problems. But I do feel even though I find it very easy to talk to him, I shouldn't be saying some of the things I say; he should also think I'm ok. We still speak about the future together, most of the time it is just him talking at this point, because obviously I want something completely different. He wants to make sure I'm provided for, not just our son. He wants us to live very close and work extra hard to be able to keep two houses. His mum has been talking about setting up another business as a family run one, she found property and it comes with a house. It not even a question that I'm still involved in everything, even when his mother speaks about stuff, she still assumes I will be very much involved. And my ex gets ever excited when plans are being made and that I will still be part of it all. But they way he speaks I often think he is not aware that I am now single and a young man might come along and want to care of me also and all the plans would be very much different. I don't think he hasn't thought of it but I think because he knows I'm still very much in love with him, the possibility of it happening hasn't sunk in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): It appears that you are his home base. You take care of his and your child. You have a business with him and a close relationship almost dating and act the part as he dates other women. You are his care taker and your childs. He will continue to take advantage of this open situation so long as you will have it. In other words people will treat you as you have tought them how. You are willing is what you told him through actions of your own. What I suggest is you close your business down or offer to have only one of you own it solo. I think you should then find your own place with a bedroom for your son. If your worried about being a single parent, you are already. Then you cut him out of your personl space and refuse to see him. Get a court order that states when he will see the child and have a friend or family member do the pick up and drop of with you son. A part of this is to avoid child support and to see his son and have a simi relationship with you and he can still date mean while he leaves you holding
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (6 March 2010):
 I am really not sure what to say to you here. You are clearly a bright and articulate woman and there is no way however much you love him that you should be putting up with this.
The guy is using you as a fallback and is a serial cheater. He seems to fall in love with someone new at the drop of a hat and still expects you to be there waiting for him. I suspect because you have a child that you don't want to lose him totally and because you are business partners but this guy is not going to change. I was married to one who had constant fling after constant fling and I was always there waiting for him to come back to me and our son. It made me really ill and went on for over 14 years. Really the best thing you can do is tell him that things are totally over between you and that you will not be taking him back again. I know you don't want to do this but I don't think he is going to change. All that is going to happen is that he will come back to you and be off again when he meets someone else. Think about your self respect and what your child as he is growing up would think, that mummy is being walked all over. This is not right and you deserve so much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Well, if you are always there, he will probably end up with you. Usually it is not absence makes the heart grow fonder, but rather, out of sight, out of mind. However, the applicable principle depends on the nature of your bond.
IF you stick it out, because of your increasing and strong emotional bond, he will stay with you probably. People are creatures of habit.
But to me he seems selfish, wimpy and indecisive. Indecisive people end up losing everything, including themselves.
He is very immature, playing you and the other women, trying to figure out what is best for him.
Cut him out, and then he will see how pathetic he is and come crawling back to you. ANd will probably appreciate you more when he does.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 He's acting like a coward. Life would be so much simpler if he stays with you. The business will go on as usual, he doesn't have to schedule time to be with his kid. He has to understand and accept that all relationships would lose its spark. Both have to work hard to rekindle that passion. He also has to get tired of all the hoping, chasing, and then ending the emotional affairs. There is no perfect woman who would take you out of his mind. You created a bond with him. Every person, deep inside them, has a desire to grow old with a partner. My guess is that once a child comes along it changes the dynamics of the relationship. A man is stupid to think that a new woman would be the solution. I don't think counselling is necessary. We all innately have counselling skills. Look at him not as your husband, but rather just another man looking to be fulfilled inside and out.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 My poor darling girl! Why do you think so little of yourself to put up with this bore! It is unfortunate that you have a child together but you really need to set up some boundaries. A man who loves you does not behave this way. EVER! Understand? Yes you hug him and he get an erection - he's a guy! He may also be telling you he is having problems having sex with other women because he is thinking of you. Don't belive him. That is his way of keeping you on the line. This man has comittment issues. Do not let him back in your bed.
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