A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I am split in two. I have been married for the last almost 5 years, and I love and adore my husband. He is a very loving, kind and caring person. The only problem is, the sex is pretty boring. It is not just his fault, obviously, we never clicked a 100% in bed. We are just really really good friends and get along very well. We are both very sexual people, only we like different things and although we worked a lot on our sexual relationship, there is always something missing. But I love him to death, and I dont want to divorce over that.About a year ago I met a wonderful man, and only about 3 months ago we had sex, and this was it! The sex was just perfect. I know when it feels right, it happened to me before, before I got married- this sensation of fire all over the body, of getting turned on just by seeing someone and having multiple orgasms, which is something I never had with my husband.The other man and I didnt have contact for few weeks now, just so that we can move on and not make a habit out of it. The truth is, I do not want a secret lover. I do not want to have a double life. I know that in the long run it wont make me happy, if anything it will only bring pain and misery to our lives.So I was thinking, what if I would offer to my husband to have the possibility of having a lover if one of us wants to. Not having sex with someone after a night in a bar, but one regular lover. We dont have to tell each other anything, we just know that it is an option.I think that my husband would be open enough to accept it if I'll present him all the advantages and talk about it for few months so we can both get used to the idea. But than we would never work on our sexual problem, because we would be covered and satisfied from outside. And if we dont work on our sexuality together, than we would be just as roommates and none of us would never enjoy a full and rich marriage, as we hoped for.But im so sick of explaining what I want in bed (it just doesnt feel natural and fluid, and he always feels not good enough) and we both constantly feel that we comprise in one way or another, and I cant feel the fire that im so longing to feel. And if this is the case when we are only 30 years old, what's gonna happen in 10 or 20 years time???but I know, worrying about the future is pointless. So I stick to the present.I know there are a lot of techniques out there to enrich sexuality in a married couple. Obviously, it's a very common problems among many couples, but if im honest none of us has the time or the energy to invest. Sure, we could make some time, its all about priority. But I guess it's just very difficult to sleep with someone that you dont really a 100% click and attracted to. I most definitely wouldn't want my cheating to become a habit (it happened only once, and I was desperate, it was after months of not having sex. Although, I know there are no excuses), not out of moral reasons, cuz- today's right is tomorrow's wrong, its really about being responsible to the man I love and to make a healthy and mature choice.But I would hate to give up this big part of me, which is fire and needs this excitement and pure passion for vitality.What I would like is to continue my relationship with my husband and than have another partner (and only one, not various) for sex only without having to lie and doing it behind his back (i dont have to share the details just so he would know if one day he finds out).but I also not entirely want to do that, because I know that once I will take this step of being satisfied somewhere else but home, I am letting go of my marriage in one way or another. To me, if feels like one step towards a divorce.But I am so sick of being sexually unsatisfied!!!!and maybe it is just ridiculous that we think that one person could satisfy all of our needs?But I also dont want my whole life to be about satisfy my needs. Needs, passions and desires come and go, I probably shouldn't even give it so much importance and weight in my life.But I am too young to give up good thrilled sex in my life as well.I guess there isn't really a concrete question, you are all very welcome just to tell me your opinion about this situation, what would you do?Thank you!
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divorce, move on, orgasm, roommate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your reply!!!
I appreciate the clarity of beingblack.
and the open minded attitude of the anonymous.
i was wondering whether you actually went for it...
I can clearly see that my frustration comes just because i love him so much and because i really do care about our marriage. I do actually want a full and rich marriage. i dont want to find my satisfaction elsewhere.
I really hope we can make it. we talked about it lately so much, and he just keeps telling me that he is too tired to spend energy on this, he can't afford to worry about it. i know he works a lot and its true that he is got a lot on his mind.
but i also feel he is taking me for granted. I KNOW he loves me a lot, but he cant understand how important this is, no matter what i try and how hard i try it.
So im gonna go to his parents for a week a two (my family doent live near by). giving him the chance to miss me and see the importance of that.
and i really love his family, so i know ill be fine there. and this way he knows that im not up to games and just going out with friends and running away etc.
hope that will work!
:)
blessed be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): I am aware of open marriages that do work. I guess it just depends. I am unsatisfied in the bedroom as well...only my husband would rather me find someone to take care of it. Yes, I was told this.Ah the fire...like an electrical shock going through your body. I faintly remember what that feels like.Talk to him. You might be surprised at his answer.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 No matter how you try to mask your question, what you are doing is asking for acceptance and understanding of why you want to cheat in your marriage.You won't get too much sympathy from the people here,I know that you want to have your emotional needs met by your husband, and your sexual needs met by your regular lover because you feel your husband isn't up to it. Even if he knows about it, you are a married woman, and that is cheating.What is your husband doing wrong? What is it that you need him to do to leave your body on fire from multiple orgasms? Don't discuss this at home, do it at a restaurant, or when you are out shopping, or in church. Explain it in a way that will not crush his fragile male sensitivity, and will not make him feel like he is some sort of a novice. Or, show him. That works too. But why give up the talking, why after only 5 years have you already been unfaithful? Why ddn't you and your husband have sex for months? An open marriage is never the solution, they never truly work. Keep talking, and keep your marriage fresh. My relationship is 17 years old, but we are always laughing, giggling, acting like kids, whispering and cuddling for no reason other than I like the feel of her body. If you and your husband have stopped having fun outside of the bedroom, you won't have too much fun in it. It takes two people to make a good marriage, and two to make a bad one, and the same goes for sex. Keep working at it.
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