A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im so confussed my husband of 20 years left me for a much younger girl. old enough to be his daughter. they are now living together and have been for 5 months since i threw him out. im still very much in love with him and would have him back. he told me that he loves me but not in love with me when we split up. that he loves her. but the past month he text me and told me that he loves me and misses me and hopes that we could talk sometimes. but on facebook hes always telling her how he loves her and she is his heart and soul, he chases her all over facebook ex. he likes everything she likes or everything she posts. and hes onlyly text me twice, if he really cared wouldnt he call or come by to see me. is he just trying to be nice or is there more to it? some friends say he is trying to hold on. some say hes trying to get me to stop the alimony payments by being nice to me because he knows i am too kind hearted. my heart is so shattered from this i dont know whether im coming or going...
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female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Most man I like that when they turn 40-50, they are scared of excepting the fact that they should settle down. At that moment they want to go back and live like their 20-30. Let him go. If someone claims to love you but at the same time is with other woman, that is not love he uses you like a back up plan just in case the relationship with the young girl. Let him go. He is not worth you or anything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): After 20 years of marriage he left you for a younger women, I would make him pay alimony just for destroying my marriage and putting me in so much pain, I would move on, find another guy but not get marrfed because that would cut off the alimony. Do you really want him back after what he has done to you? If he did it once he'll do it again.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Hello there
You need to take control here,be assertive. Stop the Facebook stalking block them both. Stop focusing on him too.
You need to start healing from the split, looking after yourself. 20 years IS a long time but it's over,he broke your trust and moved out and on.
No need to wonder what HE wants,what he feels, start looking at what YOU want.Start making plans for yourself, going out with friends,meeting people,plan a holiday,a make-over, anything,to make you feel better.
Don't concern yourself with him,he is now history. As long as your getting alimony thats all you need to worry about regards him.Let him go down the road he chose, don't be his fall-back woman.
Theres a whole world out there and one day you will probably thank him for going, he will see you happy and carefree as HE is dumped for a younger model
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Your ex loves you, I believe, but is not IN love with you. He's infatuated with her which is why he chases her all over the place.
And though he's still in that puppy love phase with her, it is with you he shares a long history. If yuo have children that is somethign else, something rather profound you share. You get jokes she doesn't. You have similar tastes in things she doesn't. With you he has security, comfort, trust. With her he has excitement (which will fade before long).
I don't think he's trying to play games with you. He seems to think you understand his affection for you is familial and not romantic. This is my guess, of course. We can't really know for sure what's in his mind.
I agree with the earlier suggestion that you stop following him about on Facebook. You can select which posts you want to appear on your wall.
My advice is not to wait about for him to change his mind, as though you were his mother waiting for her little boy to come in for supper. You have your own life to live and so many opportunities ahead of you. And why provide him with a safety net? He chose to make a new start. If he wants additonal security he can suck his thumb.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 July 2012):
Hi there. If there is so much of an age gap between them, well then they probably DON'T really have much in common.
She is by her age, like a "daughter" to him, so that makes him feel young, I guess.
Perhaps it's not really about the alimony at all.
Although he is living with her now, there could be some doubts by him, as to whether he is making a BIG mistake in leaving you to be with her.
His girlfriend is in a whole different life stage than he is.
She would be in that stage of her life, where she likes to see her friends and go to nightclubs and parties.
By contrast, he would be just as happy to sit and watch television in a nice peaceful atmosphere.
He is no doubt seeing for himself now, that it's no longer a fairytale romance. The bubble has burst.
It's now down to tin tacks (reality), which means:-
(1) Rent has to be paid.
(2) Bills have to be paid.
(3) Dirty washing.
(4) Snoring, farting, you name it.
(5) Annoying habits.
(6) Learning to cohabitate.
(7) Arguments over who takes the gargage out, etc.
(8) Arguments over differences of opinion and the age gap and the reality of what that really means.
(9) Who does the cooking.
(10) One of them not being a morning person.
Sometimes, it must honestly feel like he's living with a teenage daughter!
It could be driving him insane - in a manner of speaking.
Perhaps he keeps in touch with you, because that's the real part of his life.
The part of his life where he is with a woman young enough to be his daughter, is still somewhat NOT real to him.
It's possible he is still coming to terms with it himself!
He might have to pinch himself to see if he is dreaming it all.
It could have come to a point in his life, where he realizes it's more about his desire to feel young again, the fear of getting old, and that he is still attractive to women.
And he got carried away by it all.
And hence, the reason for feeling flattered that someone so much younger than him, showed some interest, and it went from there.
I believe, that at the moment he doesn't quite know which path to take.
He probably knows deep down, where he should be, however at the moment he's just seeing for himself what "feels" right in the end.
This could take a little while for it to sink in.
I don't think you have lost him altogether, otherwise he wouldn't be in contact so much, would he? Even with the alimony situation.
What probably is happening in reality, is he wants to know he can still come back to you, if this fling or whatever he calls it, doesn't work out after all.
That's the most likely reason.
Which means that if he maintains a good rapport with you, and you still feel the same about him, he then stands a good chance you will take him back again, if it doesn't work out with this much younger girl.
If he didn't keep a good relationship with you, well then he would have NO chance of a reconcilition with you at all!
And he KNOWS this, very well.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 July 2012):
 After twenty years of marriage, it would not be unheard of to still have residual feelings for someone, even if you no longer want to be married to them. But I agree with Aunt Honesty, what your husband is doing to you is cruel.
He could be telling you these things to try and resolve himself of his own guilt, or he could be hoping that you'll THINK that he is having second thoughts, and therefore stop the alimony payments. Either way, he knows how bad you're hurting, and he's using that to his advantage.
No matter how bad you want to believe him, do not allow him to play your heart like this. You deserve so much better then a man of his character, and you know that when he gets bored with his new play thing, and he will, he will leave her as well. Hopefully by then you will have move on with your life, and have someone worthy of you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2012):
 Honestly, if I was you I would stop stalking his FB page, it will bring you a lot less heartache.
If he hasn't asked you to stop the payments, that may not be why he still talks to you the way he does. To me, it sounds like he is stringing you along, just in case... the new lady doesn't work out. That way, he can "always" come home.
I would keep the chatter with him to a minimum. I think you need to disengage your emotions from him and work on moving on. Do you really want to be his "back up plan"?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Please do not let this man walk all over you. I totally understand why you would still love him. 20 years of marriage is a long time and off course you would want nothing more than to have him back, but realistically things would never be the same again, deep down you would not be able to trust him. He has broken that part of the relationship and I doubt it would ever be the same again.
You must be heartbroken that is completely understandable, and it does sound like you are kinder than you should be. Believe me when I say he is not in love with you, I am sure he still cares about you, but if he was in love with you he never would have done this to you, so please do not be fooled by his words and please do not stop alimony payments, you are entitled to them, do not let him walk all over you. I am not sure why he is trying to mess with your head but it is very cruel of him as I am sure he knows you love him and miss him, and I am sure he does care but just not enough so please do not let this man back in to your life.
Yes it will be hard for a while, but things do get easier. Go out with your friends, keep yourself busy, be more sociable, time will heal.
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