A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband (of 27 years) was sexually abused when he was 8, by a man. Over a year ago I caught him looking at gay porn. He said he does not enjoy it does not masturbate to it, that it is just some sick obsession he has, almost like a self mutalation type of thing..... I told him then, if I ever caught him again I would be gone. I would not sit around and let him hide behind me until he eventually "came out". It wasn't that cut and dry, but that's the jist of it. He swears/promises/begs that he is straight and years ago questioned if he might be bi because of his mixed up feelings. But says he knows he is straight. Just screwed up.Two days ago our virus scan picked up a suspicious high risk virus...from a bi-sexual gay web site. He swears he did not visit. Our sex life is good... He has ALWAYS performed oral sex on me, but cannot get off to me doing him. I don't know what to believe...I have cried to him, told him that if he is gay we would work through it. I dont want to leave him. I told him just tell me, if he enjoys looking at men I would let him look, even look with him if he wanted...He still says that sex with a man is NOT something he wants, it makes him feel sick.. and that I just dont understand.I have begged and pleaded for him to come clean to me if he is gay or bi.I don't want to be 50/60 years old and have him come to me and say I can't live this life anymore....What do you think and what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Thank you all! I feel better getting this out of my head and on to paper. I could never betray him by talking to anyone else about this and I will listen to your advise and suggestions. Thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I dont think looking at the porn thing is a big deal. Im a strait girl but i like watching lesbian porn better than strait porn. My bf knows and doesnt have a problem with it. I would never even consider going out with a girl even though i like watching girl on girl porn. If you think he's gay you should try and find more proof and just drop the porn issue. But if he was into men like that he wouldnt be with you in the first place or once he's been "cought" he most likly would of came clean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Hello.
I understand why you would be concerned, as it is normal to feel upset/angry/depressed if you have just found out your husband has been looking at a gay/bi porn site.
As you said, you dont want to leave him, and, of course, if he tells you the complete thruth, it shouldnt come to that unless it hurts you in any way.
I know you have talked to him, and he wont tell you anything, so why dont you get someone else to try. It might help you and your relationship with him.
Nobody likes to find out things like that and you are no exception. You obviously really love him and want your relationship to work.
Why dont you get some theropy for him, someone to help him understand that whatever sex he likes, nobody will say its wrong.
I hope that this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): First I agree with the ladies suggesting some couples counseling, specifically dealing with sex. If that is what it takes.
Secondly making demands as you did will just make his communication with you shut down, and communication is key to overcome 99% of misunderstandings.
On another note as a man I would say it could be very hard/strange to admit to you wife (of 27 years) that you might have a slight curiosity about anal stimulation. Maybee he is worried you may think less of his manliness. I believe that what he says about NOT wanting to have sex with a man is absolutely true, however his curiosity doesn't have to be fulfilled by a man, maybee try lightly rubbing your finger around his anus (rimming) using a lil lube or some extra saliva WHILE performing oral sex.(no penetrating until that's what he wants) Also move in this direction slowly, even over a period of a few oral sessions, while moving your finger closer and closer to his anus to feel out his reaction.
I suggest this because its the process i used to figure out if my wife was open to anal stimulation, always being sensitive to her reactions, if i felt her tense up or focusing to hard on where my fingers where wandering I stopped and went back to the task at hand (oral), after awhile it started to excite her more and more. now she totally digs me playin around her anus while pleasing her orally.
To be totally honest I have been waiting (and wanting) for her to get up the nerve to return the "favor"!!
I wish you well with your situation. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Chig  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Definitely you should support him to go ahead and get some counselling.
Often, the abused become the abusers ... I am not saying he is doing this, but he is looking. He has been emotionally and mentally scarred by the bad experience he had, and he really must have counselling to help him to organise his feelings into something that he can deal with.
If you love him, then you should stand by his side every step of the way. Stop worrying about whether he is gay or bi, and start to worry about the turmoil he is in mentally over the terrible thing that happened to him in his past :)
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Honestly..if he hasn't done so already, he needs to seek counseling about this abuse. That's not something that you just "get over" without someone to actually work through it with you. I think it would be a good idea for you to also go together so you can tell the counselor how it makes you feel when you catch him going on these kind of sites. If he isn't gay/bi-sexual, he's curious about it or he wouldnt be on a site like that. If it makes him "sick" he shouldn't be looking at it. period. I think he is probably curious about it and a lot of people are, but if he actually starts acting upon it (contacting people from sites, uploading his own photos,ect..) then I would say that's up to you how much you are willing to live with. I can tell you love him because you actually offered to look at these things with him if it something he enjoys (even though I'm sure you don't enjoy it yourself)and that shows you will do pretty much anything to keep your relationship together.. but please please please if he starts acting out on this thing he is denying.. think about your future and yourself. Is that the type of relationship you want to be in/ have children in.. if he want to go both ways?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): To: floridacatgirl
"It does concern me that he is unable to get off through sex with you. Has it always been this way? I am a little confused though... when you the two of you are intimate, are you the only one who attains orgasm? How is he satisfying himself... through gay porn only? Does he ever look at straight porn?"
No we have a good sex life. I guess, at least once a week we make time for one another... He does take viagra because he was on anti depressants for many years, it is just through oral sex that he can not have an orgasm. And very seldom will he even want me to try. It is just pictures and videos not a dating site. and I have only found gay porn..a lot of gay porn...He and I do watch some regular porn together for fun..."our one video" we have spiced it up with for a few years.. lol
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I completely understand why you would be concerned. Not only could he decide to up and leave you some day, but he could expose you to STD's if he decided to experiment with men behind your back. Would he be willing to see a marriage counselor with you? I would encourage him to do so. If he absolutely refuses to go, you should see a counselor on your own.
It does concern me that he is unable to get off through sex with you. Has it always been this way? I am a little confused though... when you the two of you are intimate, are you the only one who attains orgasm? How is he satisfying himself... through gay porn only? Does he ever look at straight porn?
Also, was the gay/bi website a dating site, or place to meet others, or was it just pictures and videos?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 February 2011):
 I think he is trying to comprehend what happened to him as a child, trying to see what the fascination was. Why it happened to him.
I also think you are being pretty insensitive.
However, I would suggest that he consider counseling.
So he looks at gay/bi porn, it doesn't make him gay/bi. It makes him curious. Of all the sick porn out there don't you think that is a lesser "evil" ? Though I am not a fan of porn at all, this is something you two need to figure out. He is hiding it and being defensive, but is it because he really has something to hide or because you are accusing him of things and attacking his curiosity?
Maybe consider seeing a couples therapist could work too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): No! I did not say I would leave him, if he didn’t tell me he was gay! I said we would work thru it. I also said, "It wasn't that cut and dry, but that's the jest of it." I don’t want to leave him. I told him just tell me, if he enjoys looking at men I would let him look, even look with him if he wanted.
He also will not go to counseling with me, ALTHO, myself being a sexual abuse survivor, when it dealt with my past issues he was all for ME going to counseling. Don’t tell me that I am insensitive to his past abuse….I know what he has endured!!
They say a woman instinct is correct 85%.
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