A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. He was previously married for 20 years and has 2 children from this relationship. We were invited to his daughter's birthday party which I was ok (within reason)to go to. I knew when I got together with him that he had this past and by accepting to be in a relationship all that it entailed. Before going inside to the party he turned to me and said "please forgive me if I call (...the ex) darling. I've called her that for the last 20 years and its more a force of habit than anything else. I do not feel anything for her." This obviously upset me. He did not call her that during the party - to my relief! After we left the party I told him I was upset and hurt by what he had said. I appreciated his honesty in telling me (which I do - he didnt need to tell me). He told me that he loves me more than he ever loved her and that we have a connection he never had with her. He has told me this on numerous occassions prior to this. I do not doubt this for one minute nor do I doubt his love for me! I guess my question is: Is he telling me the truth when he says its more out of habit that feelings for her? I'm not going to end my relationship with him over this because, as I said before, I do not doubt for one minute he doesnt love me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 I call my ex husband HON... and he calls me the same...it drove my current bf nuts till he realized it was habit...
my daddy calls me his nickname for me... but at 51 it's kind of silly... but it's HABIT...
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (3 October 2011):
 i think your boyfriend senses that you are insecure about the fact that he has had a long marriage prior to meeting you. there should have been no need to warn you before going into the party that he might slip up and call her darling. there should be no need to comfort you with telling you that he never loved her like he loves you.
its all in his past and yes it was a major part of his life at the time but not anymore. you seem to be having a bit of a hard time accepting this fact though. maybe some counselling could help you get to the root of why you feel jealous of things like this. i have a habit of calling people 'luv'. it does not mean i 'love' them. its just a term of endearment so if he ever does slip up and call her darling by accident don't give him a hard time about it. and stop worrying about this now. he is comforting your feelings right now but if you are with him for much longer and it proves still necessary to placate your jealous tendencies - believe me - this gets old QUICK. don't ruin what sounds like a good relationship with jealousy over his past
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): First, I don't understand your need to question this. A marriage of 20 years with children obviously had meaning to last that long. But you seem to feel that his statement that he loves you more than her and never connected with the wife has some sort of value. I doubt that is reality, you should know that any relationship is wonderful in the beginning, it gets ugly with bills, kids, struggles of life. Only couples who make a concentrated continuous effort succeed. Why does your ego feel so threatened by his statement? Your happiness and love can not be compared to any past relationships. Love should be examined by his character and integrity, and knowing if you both have a conviction to working on a relationship where each wants and works for the others happiness. If you aren't sure of that, then you are wasting time worrying about such a trivial matter.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (3 October 2011):
Sounds like your boyfriend acted really respectfully for your feelings and you've still got upset over it.
You are asking is he telling the truth. What's the alternative? that he has secret feelings for the ex and is carrying on some kind of secret double life where he wants to be with her?
It's just a name, he's been up front with you.. it obviously doesn't mean anything. You would seem very petty if you said "please don't call her darling when I am with you". I think you should just drop this whole thing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 I think he's telling you the truth. Words don't mean anything out of a context. and the context is, he' s with you now and he loves YOU.
Then again, ALL habits can be changed ( said by an ex chain smoker ). And this is really a silly habit, I can understand how , without making you exactly jealous, it would hit on your nerves. There's no point in using terms of endearment when the affection is over, it just sounds fake and fatuous.And when he calls you " darling " you don't feel the intimacy in the word, it comes to be a generic term for " wife ". If that bothers you, tell him- without making a Greek tragedy out of it, just showing him how and why this is annoying to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Wow. I think this man is genuine. My bf never brought me
Around his ex and would come up with reasons why I couldn't be around them. This has been a strain in our relationship as his ex still attends his family functions, minus me. You have no reason to feel threatened honey, this mans a keeper.
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