A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I guess I should start by saying "Hi and thanks for taking the time to listen to my personal issues"There's this woman, we'll call her Mary. Mary and I have been off and on since we were both in our early twenties. We're now around our mid thirties. At first, we were just friends with benefits, then it turned into an actual relationship for a while. Unfortunately, it didn't last. I guess we had more physical attraction than a (spiritual?) connection. Anyways, we broke up. We went back to being friends, then friends with benefits, then back to just friends again. It continued that way for about a decade. Thing is, I love her. Oh man do I love her. She says she loves me too, though she's not ready to be with me. She's with someone else. She says that she wants to make her relationship work for the time being. She wants to give it a chance to get better. And I respect that, hence why I stayed away and didn't call her. The problem is that she still thinks of me as a close friend and still contacts me every now and again to vent her life to me. She tells me how unhappy she is in her relationship sometimes. I listen as a friend, though sometimes feelings slip out and we tell each other how much we miss each other. It hurts. I try to respect her situation and just be a good friend. Though my heart is aching. She alludes to a future with us. Though in the same breath she says that she also wants to make her relationship work. I'm bipolar and struggle with depression so I know that it's probably not healthy to be near her. She makes me happy and depressed all at the same time. It's one of the main reasons I think we didn't work out. I was insecure. . .and jealous. I didn't like her talking to other guys that I thought were trying to flirt with her. She didn't like me being jealous. So she left me. I've since learned to get rid of that ugly insecurity I had when we were in our twenties.We had so much fun in the past. Not just physical. We had dates, late night movie watching, going to restaurants, festivals, etc etc. Sometimes I can stay up and listen to her voice all night as she told me about her day. Her sense of humor is off the charts. Mines is dull. We were almost polar opposites in personalities. It wasn't perfect, our relationship, though It was more than enough to make me happy.In conclusion. I'm moving away. Like to another state. There's better career and housing opportunity for me. I haven't told her yet. I don't know if I should, honestly. I know she'll ask why, and I'm not sure if I could stop myself from telling her the truth. The truth about how I constantly think of her. How I miss her embrace as we slept. How I silently hope that she'll someday decide that I'm the one for her. That I'm depressed everyday and stressed because of work and life, and just the thought of her makes it worst for me. I feel like this move will help me. Not only will it help me career wise, I feel like a life without her in my head might save my sanity. I don't want to cause her relationship any stress by revealing my affection for her. Though I can't keep pretending to just thinking of her as a friend. My question is, am I making a mistake? Should I hold out? I do love her. I'm in love with her, actually. I do want to finally be with her and have a family. Though I don't want to cause a breakup. I want her to realize it herself. Though, how will she know how I feel if I don't tell her? Should I? She already knows I love her. That's no secret. After all we've been through, there's no way she doesn't know I care about her. That said, I don't think she knows HOW MUCH. Like, want-to-be-a-family, much. If I leave now, I may not see her again for who knows how long. . .
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 April 2022):
 OP, Good luck with the move, I think it will be good for you to get out and meet new people, see new places and better yourself as a person.
Should you tell her before you go that you care?
No, she knows. However, you two are NOT a good fit as a couple. That is why it never really worked out in the decade you have known each other. You are each other's "life raft" or you think you are. The thing is you can LOVE someone and NOT be a good fit, ever. There are more people out there for you to meet and hopefully, you WILL find someone who is an ALL AROUND good match for you. Not just in some areas, some of the time.
She likes to have you as a backup. That is why she is treating you like a "friend" and not an ex. If things don't work out with her BF, she has you to fall back on, until she meets the NEXT guy.
You are not "The One" for her. Not as a romantic partner.
And you are NOT her friend either. You want more. Even if you know (logically) that it's not going to happen.
Accept that reality.
If you do tell her how you feel and she breaks up with her BF, it's NOT because she LOVES you oh so much. It's because her relationship with the BF is not working. So I'd say, don't tell her. 1. she already knows 2. she also knows she doesn't see you are a life partner even if she cares about you 3. you are moving away.
Focus on you. Get your mental health in order, as best you can.
Just remember your thoughts move with you, so you will still think about her and miss her. And that is OK. But perhaps with the move, you NEED to also cut contact so you can (over time) get some peace of mind.
Start FRESH in the new place. Find a gym or places to go hike or a sports club to join. Something. It will help you with your physical health that in turn help with your mental health (though you still need to work on either getting the right meds or a therapist too!)
Good luck. And don't forget HALF the world's population is female. She isn't the only one.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2022): *Hi, this is the poster of the question.* I think I should elaborate on a few things. The reason why I feel like I should hold out for her is because she constantly says I'm end game. That she does see me in her future. As the end goal. The person she's with, she with because of responsibility. They're both co-owners of a house and share the payments. They've been together for a while during the time I wasn't in her life.
She's says she'll feel bad if she just gave up during thier worst moments. Though she also says that she can see a future where we're together. The problem is the waiting. It's unbearable. And I think that it's unhealthy for me to wait. It feels painful knowing that the woman I love is basically saying "Not you. Not now". I think I do want to move on for good. I just don't know if I should tell her how I feel or if I should just let what we had together go for good.
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