A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If you recieve a gift for a birthday from someone. Is it rude not to say thank you? A did it rude not to respond to the thank you....even if you don't really like the person?My son's birthday, and he got a gift from his grandparents (on the other side), now we don't get on at all, but despite that, I still sent a text to thank them for the gift. I have recieved no text in response, no 'your welcome' or 'hope you like it'.Personally,I think it rude, and I have been bought up to have manners, despite what you think of that person.Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): I'm gonna ask an awful question...
Besides the initial obvious, giving it a go, keeping good manners etc, WHY does it bother you if you all but lose touch with them bar the occasional Christmas card? Knowing what you know bout them, why does it bother you?
Please don't feel that you have anything to prove by achieving their respect. You know the truth. You have your son and you're both safely away from your ex. That's what matters here. Please don't let your self-esteem be affected by their poor judgement.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI KNOW they hold me responsible for what has happened, their son has done no wrong in their eyes.
But you are right 'honeypie', I just need to keep taking the high road, and let them think what they want (I have no control over THEIR actions). I need to stop being over sensitive about the situation, and not take it so personally.
Thanks for all your comments....much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): It strikes me that you've come for advice on a relatively insignificant issue, without inital comment on the bigger picture.Have you a good support network for you and your son?It's possible that his parents are in denial over their son's actions. Either they refuse to believe he is (fully) at fault or perhaps just can't face thinking about it. Perhaps, deep down they even feel indirectly responsible/ guilty around you and so avoid contact as a result. They may be very proud people and pride gets in the way of a lot.So I wouldn't take their actions personally- it has more to do with themselves and their son. Unfortunately you and your son are nonetheless the ones being hurt by the outfall of this. Keep you door open to them as you have, and maybe one day they will see the error of their ways. Unfortunately this may only be when their son hurts another girl.But for now, simply remain polite and focus on your relationship with your son.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 October 2013):
 It must be hard trying and getting nothing but snubs in return, my suggesting is to NOT take it personal, but keep taking the high road.
They might somehow hold YOU responsible for their son's actions and for how YOU (totally justified I might add) called the Police on him. I can see how they might find it easier to "blame" you for his misfortune then own up to the fact that their son as an abusive person. That they might had had a inkling of what kind of person he was/is. If that makes sense.
So in short, don't take ANYTHING they do personal.
If you have tried to offer up visitations and nothing came of it, then they are not ready for it and THAT is their loss.
Like the saying goes; "we can't choose our family" and whether you like it or not, they are family, at least your son's.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 October 2013):
 What "sounds" out-of-kilter here... is that YOU sent a note to HIS Grandparents for a gift that your SON received....
Discounting the remainder of your submittal... (the "thank you for thanking me", B/S)...
You teach your SON to write a "Thank you" note.... and don't spend any time worrying about what - or how - the Grandparents respond....
I interpret that YOU are "looking" for something untoward about these Grandparents... and you are Hell-bent to find it..... and won't rest until you DO (find it)....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys.
Yes, I have tried to maintained a civil relationship with the grandparents, I really have. I have tried to set up visitation for them, but they didn't like the set up i arranged...and to be honest, any arrangement i would of suggested would of been met with a negative response because of what has happened. I think this is why i am so hurt and over reacting bout the card thing, coz no matter how hard i try to maintain a civil relationship i have been ignored.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2013):
I'm with Tish and Cindy.
Depending on the age of your son He REALLY should be signing the Thank You note with his name (most kids can do that at age 3+), you can write the rest. I know Texting is how many people conduct their lives these days, but you have to remember that his grandparents are not YOUR generation and like Tish said, a texted 'thank you" from you isn't really a proper acknowledgement to the gift givers.
No, they didn't have to tell you you are welcome. They after all (even if the present was sucky in your eyes) DID send him a present which is an acknowledgement of him and his Birthday. Now if they gave a darn they MIGHT have called you ahead of time and asked what he likes, but I'm guessing they are not in his life at all. And the only one who can change that is you.
Have you considered e-mailing them an update on what is going on in their grandson's life? It doesn't have to be every month, but they might enjoy some new pictures and to hear how he is doing.
A friend of mine had an unplanned pregnancy when she was in her 20's studying German and Russian in Berlin (the BF was Russian by the way)- Now when she found out she was pregnant he dumped her (they had dated 2 years so she had met his parents and a lot of his family). Anyhow, she had the baby and never asked for anything from the Dad, but she would send pictures and letters to the grandparents, so they could see how he was growing. She even went to visit with her son a couple of times. The Dad had met and married a Russian girl and didn't want any involvement with his son (sadly enough) but the grandparents did and still do.
Respect goes both ways.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2013):
 Based on the history of this family, you are in a whole new area of etiquette and minding manners. How does one keep in contact with the parents of a violent and arrested partner? It's not easy, obviously.
I'm certain that you will be able to find plenty of instances where they treat you in a less than stellar manner. The question is, what do you do with those snubs?
I would be angry with them too, if they couldn't accept or grasp the truth about their son being a violent man, an abusive partner. That's a pretty bitter pill for a parent to swallow, that their son is not a nice person. It would be like your finding out your grown up son is a wife-beater, how difficult that would be to accept, awful really to think about. I expect they feel a love for their son that doesn't go away, despite his awful and violent actions.
They live in another country, they don't their grandson well enough to know what to send to him as a present, they blame you for involving police, they are in a less than ideal grandparenting situation.
It's an awful situation all around. Maybe decide how much animosity you want to put out there toward them and keep it to a low simmer, rather than a full boil? It's healthier not to live with rage, as you know, having got rid of the violent man. If you find they are being toxic to you, consider finding other solutions to interacting with them. I think as they don't answer texts, go to snail mail and leave it there.
Best wishes, I hope your son grows up to appreciate all you have done for him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunty Babbit.
Yes I had my opinion on it, but I was seeking other peoples opinions too, because like I said in the OP, I thought I might of been over reacting.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 October 2013):
 Based on your updates it does sound like they have an issue with you too and that's sad.
It so often happens.
It seems clear then, based on your responses, that they are snubbing you, and that's impolite, but I have to say I'm surprised you felt the need to ask us this question.
Your responses show that you had already made your decision as to their behaviour and your arguments comparing their behaviour to everyone else makes a reasonable case so my question to you is if you have all the answers, why are you asking us?
AB x
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (21 October 2013):
Not necessarily. If you sent an actual "Thank You" card, would to expect them to write back a note that said, "You're Welcome"? Probably not.
Even though you sent it as your son, they probably know it wasn't him that sent it...so it's not like they were just blowing a kid off.
Honestly, if someone texted me saying "thank you" for something, I'd text back tell them they're welcome, BUT, when I send a thank you via text, I don't really expect a response. Texting is just kind of a weird communication medium that can misconstrued to mean something when it's not. I don't think you should worry about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, they didn't go round the shops, wrapped the present and sent it. It was done all online. The present they got were completely unsuited for my son, age wise and his personality. Considering they are his grandparents, they don't know him at all. I still thanked them.
Yes, as a child, I was taught to say thank you...we didn't have mobile phones back then, so yes I phoned people to thank them.
My point is 'annon', that I have always made the effort, and they used too, but don't now....as in they use to always reply with a welcome.
They just can't accept that their son was violent to me, and I got the police involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): Your son's grandparents have chose him a gift, wrapped it and posted it.You have simply texted a thank you.Yet for some reason, you seem to think that you went beyond the call of duty by sending a quick text, saying 'when i didn't really have to' -and think that you somehow deserve gratitude for a text message?? They already sent a gift. Do you also send them gifts for their birthdays and at Christmas?You keep repeating what good manners you have. I'm sure you weren't encouraged to 'text' thank you to elder relatives when you were a child? And why would the distance they live from you make it any harder to post a thank you note or pick up the phone?It sounds like you blame them for whatever has caused you to no longer get on, and expect them to go to great lengths more than you to try and repair the relationship?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 i suppose yes, it is polite and proper to say you're welcome. i would if it were me. and you did the right thing by thanking them. however, if they don't feel like saying you're welcome and having manners, i wouldn't loss any sleep over it. it's not that big of a deal. it just shows who they are as people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, thanks.
The only reason I am asking is because, when we did get on I always got a response from a 'thank you' text....the only reason why I texted was because they live far away. My son is only young, do not able to write yet.
I was always taught that manners and politeness doesn't cost anything, and to respect my elders.
Also, when I sent the text, I sent it as if it was from my son and not me....so I do believe they should if responded with a 'hope you had a lovely day'.
Maybe I am over reacting about this....i am a bit sensitive about it, but i do think they need to acknowledge the fact that i have been polite to them, despite what's gone on, and thanked them on my son's behalf, when i didn't really have too. But its in my nature to do so.
Everyone else i sent a 'thank you' text too, replied to me and wished my son a happy birthday etc.
I just wish that they realised that i will always be my son's mum, a good mum, and respect me enough to be polite.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (20 October 2013):
Yes, it polite to say thank you but it's not bad manners to not respond to that when it's delivered in a text format.
Face to face, when thanking someone, it would be normal to respond with "your welcome" or similar, because it would feel uncomfortable to just walk away without a response.
If you had sent them a thank you letter you wouldn't have expected a letter back would you? A text message should be treated as a letter but is a more modern option.
The important thing is that they sent your son a gift on his birthday and he wasn't forgotten.
I don't know what the problem is with these family members (and don't need to know) but, for the sake of harmony, they have shown consideration to your son with his gift, would it not be possible to, in future, actually get your son to write a note saying thank you (or you, on his behalf if he's too little with a handprint or something)? This would show some thought and consideration from your side and could go some way to easing tensions between you.
Of course, this may not help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt and would be a good thing for your son to learn to do.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2013):
How old is your son? He should be signing the 'thank you' note if he can write his name, you can write the rest. A texted 'thank you"from you isn't really a proper acknowledgement to the gift givers.
As CindyCares says, a thank you note doesn't require further comments.
Are you looking for reasons to be angry with them? If yes, then have at it. It you are trying to keep them in contact with your son, then encourage him to acknowledge their gift, in a note or a phone call, if he is old enough to speak and write.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 No, normally you don't reply a thank you note with another thank you message . Unless of course in the thank you note there was some specific question waiting for an answer ( e.g.," Shall we see you before Xmas ? )
A thank you note is an aknowledgement and expression of gratitude for the gift and does not require further comments.
Plus, if we wanna go all Miss Manners, you don't aknowledge gifts by text only. The appropriate thing would be to actually send a short note by mail- or at least to pick up the phone and talk in person.
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