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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Is it possible to have a satisfying sexual life if your boyfriend (of 2 years) doesn't know how to and has never made you orgasm? At first it didn't bother me...but now I'm beginning to feel like he has given up on trying to please me and only wants to get off. I know that is not true, he gives me oral but it doesn't do anything for me at all, neither does fingering. It feels pleasant but that's about it. The sex is okay, some times are better than others. I feel horrible saying this because I enjoy everything about him otherwise and LOVE the intimacy and kissing and closeness of the act, and while it doesn't particularly bother me that he might never learn how to make me finish, I'm thinking about the long run and how I might become unsatisfied....I should mention that he was a virgin and I was sexually active but not experienced when we met. What can I possibly do at this point? I'm tired of finishing myself off with my vibrator when I get home because I can't while being sexual with him :/ is there something I can do during sex to aid in the process?? I've tried using a vibrator but it just doesn't work out with the positions...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Hiya, this may not make you feel very good about what you've written, but why is it your boyfriends fault that you dont orgasm during sex?. I have onyl ever orgasmed a few times during sex and that is with my husband of ten years. Its not his fault at all, I love him to pieces and he really turns me on but it just doesnt happen during sex. I'm sure that pshycologists would say something like "it must be linked to something from your childhood, maybe your parents told you sex was dirty" or something like that!. and I think they might be right, my mother caught me masturbating when I was very young and I think it has made me feel wierd about climaxing in front of someone else. I cant really expalin it but i'm almost sure its linked to that. the fact that you are able to orgasm on your own suggests that its probably a pshycological issue and not your partners fault. I'm no doctor but I've been this way my whole sexual life and cant see it changing any time soon. I think you should stop blaming your bf and just relax and enjoy the closeness instead of worrying about climaxing. I stopped being hung up on it and really started enjoying the act of sex. I do enjoy sex but just dont climax thats just the way it is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 why in the world are you waiting to finish yourself till you get home?
instead of that... finish yourself off manually with his help...
my boyfriend does not do oral. (a limitation of our relationship that i accept and accepted even before we were sexual with each other) and I DO NOT orgasm from penetration (sadly most women do not) so unless my clitoris is manually stimulated just right, I'm not having a "big" orgasm. I have lots of little baby good feelings with my man but never "the big one"... he knows this and while it frustrates him he accepts it as it is.
Therefore IF after we are done making love, I still feel the need for THAT release I will tell him "i need to finish do you want to help?" and if he's game he will either use his fingers or play with my breasts and/or hold me while I finish... he will talk softly in my ear (things that are sexual and NOT distracting to my concentration) but he has learned my breathing and my body enough so that he knows when I'm getting closer and closer and has learned how to "help" me get where I need to be.
We also very early on in our relationship had a period of time where we were apart and both of us refrained from masturbating for a long period of time (like 10 days or two weeks) and when we were together, the sex was much better...
you have to TALK to HIM about this not us....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): OP most girls don't orgasm through intercourse. Have other guys been able to make you cum through penetration alone? If they have then you and your boyfriend may well just be a bad fit and no amount of positions or techniques will change that. I don't know why but for some reason being a good fit sexually is not something people really talk about or approach but it's a very real thing but only as I said you're able to orgasm through penetration again most girls aren't.
I would actually advise the opposite to chigirl. Are you able to make yourself orgasm without a vibrator? If so then just show him what you do. As long as he can do so orally or manually then there really isn't an issue. Most girls will go through life never having had an orgasm through penetrative sex alone and they lead very healthy and active sex lives. You say you can't use your vibrator because of the positions, then do positions where you can. But know that you're not weird nor is he doing anything wrong if you can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
Now when I say stop using your vibrator the idea behind that is you may have become reliant on it, you may have desensitized yourself to other kinds of stimulation that way. So stop using it for a while and only use your fingers, the thing I find with women who's boyfriends don't satisfy them is that those women either don't know how to satisfy themselves, they haven't communicated this knowledge to their boyfriend or they don't understand that not all women can orgasm from sex.
So put away the vibrator and begin to explore your own body, find out what works that he can use on you and show him. Once he knows this he will do it before and/or after penetration and you both will have a satisfactory session.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Why are you finishing yourself off alone? Integrate your orgasm in your sex life with him and you will not feel that it is missing or that you are unfulfilled. A vibrator used on you while he is inside you feel pleasurable for the man as well. And him feeling you as you come is very pleasurable. Masturbate together, him touching himself and you using your vibrator, or anything else that works for you. Integrate your orgasm in your sex life instead of taking it aside and exclude it. So what if he can't make you get there all on his own, why should he have to when you manage perfectly well to do it on your own.
Yes, sex is important in a relationship, and it'd be great if he could make you orgasm, but him not being able to make you orgasm does not at all mean you will forever be unfulfilled. You just need to start including your orgasms with the sex you have with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): No man can get you off if you are not communicating.
Is is possible to have a long term and happy relationship without orgasms, yes, many women have. However, it is a lot better when you have a long term and happy relationship WITH orgasms.
The issue starts with you...learning what you need, besides a vibrator, from the partners, and working to achieve that with the partner.
"The sex is okay"
Sex when orgasms happen between two loving partners is great sex.
You are also giving conflicting statements.
"At first it didn't bother me"
"I feel horrible saying this because I enjoy everything about him otherwise"
"while it doesn't particularly bother me that he might never learn how to make me finish"
"I'm thinking about the long run and how I might become unsatisfied"
"I'm tired of finishing myself off with my vibrator"
This doesn't sound like someone who isn't bothered.
So, first educate yourself, not just with a vibrator either. Read, and not crap from websites that will give you a bunch of nonsense, be careful what you accept as truth as there is a lot of misleading information out there.
Becoming Orgasmic is a good book.
There are others.
If you have any history of sexual abuse, neglect, traumatic family experiences that lead you to not trust, drug or alcohol use, or prescription drug use, remember all this complicates things a lot.
Talk to your boyfriend, take your time with him, and remember that guys at that age can orgasm very quickly, recover quickly, and take their time with their partner afterward and focus on the clitoris.
He and you both need to learn.
I know someone personally who had around 150 or more partners, so quite a bit of sex over the younger period of life, married then divorced, some long term, some short term relationships, yet none of them could bring her to orgasm, and quite a few of these guys were highly experienced.
Then she met a guy, married him, had kids, and when eventually he was able to bring her to orgasm she was in shock. He was patient, kind, loving, thought she was beautiful, and respected her...that was what it took.
Is he the world's greatest lover?
I don't know, but she apparently thinks he is. He doesn't look like much to me on the surface, but he really got into her brain, and that is where orgasms come from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):
You sound like my girlfriend. I was a virgin when we met. She wasn't, but was hardly super-experienced and the type to take charge. I can't get her off easily, although I do sometimes. She is too shy to tell me what to do. She thinks guys should somehow just know. One of her old boyfriends did. Good for him. I don't and she won't share. I gave up on her and I just have sex for myself. Sounds like your boyfriend. Why don't you just tell him what you want him to do?! This speaks to a huge sexual dysfunction in modern society where women want men to be experienced and men want woman to be inexperienced. For us men who aren't all that experienced and yet somewhat shy it's a real bitch. If you aren't satisfied then open your mouth. I know that I will please my next partner a lot more than my current one, because she isn't willing to talk and yet I've learned a lot being with her. Truthfully, I find that very sad, because I would do anything to get her off.
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