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Is it possible to be in love and committed to a man, whereas developing only sexual interest in others?

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Friends with Benefits, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 15 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2018)
A female India age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I will turn 30 next month and my life's in a big mess. I've a good career, a loving would-be husband (getting married in early fall this year). We've been together for 11 years.

You're wondering where's the messy part? Well, the sex between us is not that great, it's always mediocre (since the last few years). I'm a sexual person and it disappoints me. I talked about this once to him, he got upset and kind of offended.

I'm having second thoughts about happiness in our impending marriage. While he would be a great husband and great father, he can't simply be great in bed.

I've met someone recently with whom I'm in fwb attachment. The sex is amazing. Guilt kills me. But it's something I can't resist. I can't lose my bf (I truly love him) nor can I stop having sex with this new guy (I don't love him, love the sex). Imaging sex life with only my bf leaves me sleepless, whereas I fear of getting caught some day.

What should I do? What do you guys think? Is it possible to be in love and committed to a man, whereas developing only sexual interest in others?

Confused!

View related questions: sex life

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (17 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntThere is nothing to left out because we are not meant to be turned on to the same person forever. Biology wants variety. The constitution of marriage is to protect property rights and to make sure children have the same set of parents. The hallmark cards and romantic movies sell the happily ever after. It never reassures you that sex would be amazing ever after.

I am confused because I am not sure if you were attracted to him before. It sounded like you were in love with him, and that love and lust went hand in hand. When the lust died down, you are not sure about him anymore. Maybe he's still an attractive person, but for some reason he can't keep up with you.

We are meant to be sexual attracted to the opposite sex, if you are straight. Getting married does not turn off that switch easily, unless people try to suppress those desires in order to. Maybe in the case of your husband, he tries to suppress sexual energy so he can stay faith, but unfortunately he turned it off for you also.

Don't expect marriage sex to be amazing and sizzling. Instead, is it possible to make love to your husband? Although, I am not sure if he would feel like it after your betrayal. I don't know how you can still make it his problem when you are the one who's creating a bigger problem.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Hard and soft answers balance the equation. You're talking marriage. That's serious! My answers may sometimes be blunt; but I never intend to hurt feelings. To marry, or not to marry? Now that is a serious life-changing decision. There's no beating around the bush about that.

I'm sorry if any feelings were hurt. That's not the purpose of my answer.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly I think you need to make a decision. I believe sex is an important part of a marriage and if you are not happy now then it is only going to get worse in time. You cannot marry someone just because you love them, I mean marriage is more than that, it is about love, respect, trust and honor. At the moment your relationship is based on lies and deceit. A marriage won't work like this, and you will still want sex with this other man. Would you really be willing to start a marriage based on lying and cheating? I think you know deep down that you cannot go through with this marriage. Of course it is your decision but why put yourself through all the guilt?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your insights, both the ruthless and the sympathic ones.

Societal pressure, image issues and a lot of other non-sexual things has been keeping us together for 11 years. Our sexual life was great before. Since the last 2 years, the passion has died down unfortunately.

No, I've not cheated on him for any thrill. Yes, I DO LOVE my bf despite every other complexities. It wasn't the right step for me to have that fwb arrangement, I've stopped it.

From all of your perspective, I indeed felt that I would try for one last time to talk to my bf and solve the issues. Visiting a counsellor too because I need to find out what made him change, since he won't let it out to me.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntAsk your husband how he would feel?

I mean if you SERIOUSLY plan on marrying him. You feel your own actions are OK? And if you do, then why not ASK him if he wants to marry a women who isn't attracted to him and who has been having an affair for sexual pleasure for a LONG LONG time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2018):

I'm not going to say anything v to make you feel worse as some have because I know what a passionless life is life and how soul destroying it truly is . The guilt is there in yoh regardless of how yoh word anything and the last thing you need is people moralising at you

My only advise to you ( coming from a woman who went ahead and married a man where the passion

Was lacking hoping it would improve because he seemed so wonderful in other ways and stayed I. That marriage for 20plus years because of societies judgements )

If you marry this man , even if yoh go ahead and continue this affair and never get caught , it will destroy you . A passionless marriage will

Literally destroy you from the inside . It is not fair to him and it is not fair to you . You deserve happiness and passion, to feel loved and alive and also

Like a good person

Think about the future you want

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

A marriage of convenience is just a ticking time-bomb. Marrying a man, because he'd be a good husband or father; is just selfish and deceptive.

You were with the guy since you were both teenagers; and you're just plain tired of him. You just tolerate him; because you know he has all the good traits a husband should have. You claim to love him. Not enough! You cheat on him. Using the quality of sex as your excuse to continue.

Seriously, girlfriend?!!

You know, OP's can be quite creative when it comes to rationalizing and justifying their actions they know aren't right.

You are talking about marrying a man, who you don't like sleeping with. That's a major part of marriage.

You've become far too familiar with each others bodies. You grew-up together from kids; and the guy is like sleeping with a brother. I'd bet the farm and a bag of gold; you're the one that kept this drawn-out relationship going. You're the one who said "yes" to his proposal. After pushing for it, I should add! Even if it was entirely on him. You're a pretender!!! Now you're complaining about sex? Having second-thoughts? Sooner better than later, my dear!

Subconsciously, you absolutely don't really want to marry him. You're afraid to admit it. You know your family knows him, and probably loves him. If your parents highly-approve; you don't want to look like a terrible person. if you break the engagement. A bunch of money may have already been spent!

Sweetheart, be true to yourself. Don't marry, and just mark the calendar until you divorce the guy. You have doubt. That is a good reason not to do it. Don't start planning the wedding, and feel obligated to go through with it.

Imagine, monotonous-sex from now until you get too old to care for it! While your conscience is eating at you; day after day. Even worse; he finds out about your affair after you get married! You would be humiliated for everyone (both families) to find-out why he kicked your ass to the curb!

Don't wait until you've bought the dress, your parents have spent their life-savings; or your man on the side bumps into your fiance and has an: "Oh, by the way...!!!

Your other-guy just might get seriously pissed at you for something; and spill the beans on you the day before the wedding! Now wouldn't that be something?!!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (14 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntFor me, I can't. I can only be in love with someone I am physically attracted to and emotionally connected to. When there's no sexual attraction, I just won't be with that person. There are people who do have complexes such that there are people for one need (emotional), and others for sex. They compartmentalize people according to what roles they play. I believe for men it's called the Madonna/whore complex. They don't feel sexual towards their wives, but only to outsiders. I don't know what it's called for women when they have this complex. Good guy/bad guy complex?

I won't dismiss that sex should be at the lower list of priority. It's a great life force. It helps you understand sexuality. It is something that you get over with then settle down in life. Like a life's milestone that you pass over.

I won't condone cheating. What you decide to do has consequences. You can't get married to your boyfriend because the foundation has been built on a lie. He is devoted to you sexually and emotionally but for you, half of your heart is somewhere else.

If I can't have anyone with the whole package giving me all my needs, then I would rather be single and not mess about people's lives. I do understand sex lives fizzle out. I also believe that sexual energy has to be understood. It's a power energy. One should not get married when they are craving the excitement and not ready to be settled down. It's when you get to an age where you understand deeply the true concept of "you can't have the cake and eat it too", that's when you are ready to settle down.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2018):

N91 agony auntWhat should you do?

Break up with your fiancé. Let him find a decent woman. If he won’t confront the poor sex issue then you need to break up with him, cheating isn’t acceptable no matter how poor the relationship is.

What you’re doing is the lowest of the low, let the man go to find someone who respects him.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI can't take this place anymore. Sex sex sex. Just unbelievable. So many fools.

So you're already cheating and trying to diminish it by labeling it an "fwb arrangement". You're racked with guilt because you know EXACTLY what you're doing and your shithouse lawyer terminology that's designed to re-characterize it as nothing more than an "Fwb arrangement" isn't fooling your conscience.

Your unmitigated gall in asking your stupid question "Is it possible to be in love and committed to a man, whereas developing only sexual interest in others?" It's simply another lame attempt at pseudo-intellectual babble designed to minimize your betrayal and convince yourself that you're still living up to your commitment to your fiancee.

News flash, You're not committed. You're just paying lip service to it. Again, you're not fooling your conscience with your shithouse lawyering. You deserve to be racked with guilt.

You've already destroyed your future over sex. Stupid meaningless sex. You put sex at the top of your list of the most important things in a relationship, and went out and found a living dildo to satisfy your need for sex.

You don't deserve your fiancee.

Well, you can solve your guilt problem by confessing to your fiancee. Then when he asks why you did this to him, you can use all your pseudo-intellectual, shithouse lawyer bullshit to explain it to him. When he dumps you, then you can have guilt free sex with anyone you like.

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A female reader, CMoon United Kingdom +, writes (14 May 2018):

I'm afraid my advice to you will not be what you want to hear but it is my honest opinion.

You cannot go through with this marriage.

If you love your partner, respect him enough to let him go and find someone who wants to be with only him. Marriage is a public expression of putting your trust in someone. Don't humiliate him by getting him to express his trust in you and love for you only for him to find out you were sleeping with someone else.

You would be standing on a foundation of lies. Your marriage would soon be over.

I think you need to admit that you're not happy in this relationship. You can't have elements of two relationships. Split with your partner and find someone who you are COMPLETELY compatible with.

I doubt the sex with this other man would be as good if you weren't having the thrill of doing it behind your partner's back.

Don't put him and yourself through a marriage that your heart is not fully involved in. You will cause so many more problems to what you have now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

You love the ego boost.. sorry but I'm not sugar coating it .. your a cheat .. if the sex was good and now isn't then spice up your life like the spice girls . However you feel that if you just leave it then you have a right to seek sex elsewhere .. sorry noooooo you don't.. being honest I think you need to decided before your loving bf finds out and decides for you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

I understand what are you feeling..but unfortunately there is no middle point between this subject. I am 40 years old single with no kids. I married myself a wonderful man 8 years ago I said wonderful because I never met someone like him everything was perfect but the sex. I married him thinking I will feel different with the time... I thought ok maybe the sex will be better after we live together...It did not change, unfortunately. I started to met people and I met an Egyptian guy that I liked so much and I had an incredible sexual chemistry with. I didn't have sex with him because he is a Muslim man so he does not have sex outside of a marriage relationship but we were very close friends and I told him about my situation and we kissed and hugged and I remember the feeling of my body when I kissed him it was amazing and sadly I never ever felt that with my husband I dont know why it didnt happen with him . After 3 years of marriage and a very blunt and boring sexual life between us, we decided to get divorced. I still think about it and I feel sad because he was a good man but when you sleep with a man in the same bed every day and happens that when you do have sex with him and do not feel really good and loved and satisfied it is a lost situation it makes you sad and miserable and lead you in infidelity most likely. So think twice before marrying this guy. You are having an FWB right now before the marriage. What makes you think the situation will change? Living together? It will get bored and the routine will make you crave that sexual aspect that is lost in your home so you will ended up having "friends" outside of your marriage so do you want to get married to have affairs due to lack of good sexual chemistry with your own husband? No.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

Unfortunately your boyfriend is probably the first and only guy that youve ever been with...that in addition to the bad sex and your dilemma is understandable...the amazing sex you say your having with the other guy must be on your mind constantly...i'm suprised that youve stayed with your boyfriend for 11 years since you two are so sexually incompatable...regardless, the way i see it, you have a decision to make...sounds to me like you shouldnt get married to anybody until you really think this situation through....If you go ahead and get married i think you will be sexually miserable deep down, and end up cheating on your husband and getting divorced...you dont want that...what if you have a kid when that happens? You gotta deal with this NOW....DONT GET MARRIED.. for different reasons theres too many sexually unhappy married people out there..one reason is getting married too quick and for the wrong reasons...DONT become one of those people...convince your boyfriend that you both should talk to a local marriage counselor even though your not married...dont worry about offending him....its your future...it will be a tough decision,but you must make it...if you go on like you are now its gonna blow up in your face one day...good luck...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

Sounds like you desire more passion. Have you tried taking time apart? Go on a retreat for yourself. Say you need 30 days to cleanse or something. This is a life commitment. Also would you be ok if he felt the same way? If so, try an open relationship or if not, stop and think. This sude guy could blackmail you too. Be careful and take care of yourself.

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