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do I look gay, or is it just a good way to attract attention from women?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2018)
A male Singapore age 26-29, *erry1992 writes:

25 year old self professed hipster here. Not really a macho alpha dude but I do work out. I am still on the slim side though. I am definitely not gay. I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years during college but have been single for 2 years.

I am not actively dating as I am concentrating on my career at the moment, and being an introvert I don't really initiate conversation with women.

However, I noticed lately women have been initiating conversation with me. Like random women I meet at random places such as waitresses at restaurants and retail employees. They ask a lot of questions like they want to get to know me better.

I think it started when I got a new job at a start-up software company. I now work at an office of 11 employees with a very relaxed dress code. As my job is a computer programmer I do not meet customers and usually sit behind a computer the whole day. I like to dress comfortably. On a usual day at work I usually wear shorts (neat knee length shorts with one inch hems with a nice belt), flip flops and a smart tank top.

Not the undershirt or muscle tee types of tank tops other guys like to wear, but I wear nice tanks with prints or horizontal stripes with a small breast pocket. And I groom myself properly, if you know what I mean.

I notice that women tend to strike conversation with me when seeing me during my lunch breaks or when I shop after work. There is this one girl at a restaurant who used to just take my order and collect my credit card. But now she is extremely chatty every time I meet her and she started telling me stuff about herself that she is a student at this college and lives here and blabla. Occasionally I see her glancing at my shoulders.

There is this other girl who works at the pharmacy who was giggling and asked me if I usually dressed the way I do when I go to work and then whrn I said yes she said it was cool and I look cool and fashionable. I felt extremely turned on when she said that.

Today evening me and some buddies went to watch the Avengers at the cinema. I was the only one wearing sleeveless. When the female usher saw me she giggled, sir, don't you feel cold wearing that? Then she tapped he fingers on my bare shoulders while showing me my seat. The other dudes said she was way into me. I tried looking for her after the movie but her shift must have been over.

Anyway these women didn't ask me out or get my number.

I am inclined to think that my attire makes me look gay so women feel less threatened and start opening up to me. Like I have instantly friend zoned them.

My male friends certainly think so and keep making fun of poor me. Well because I am not like them because I don't like sports and cars but I am more of a shy and sensitive person.

I don't have a girlfriend whom I can consult about this but my mom says I look good it flatters me and makes me look less skinny and my shoulders broader. Of course all moms think their sons are the handsomest men on the planet.

I am not too skinny by the way. Sort of like Orlando Bloom before he started taking steroids, or Leo DiCaprio when he was young like in Titanic. I go to the gym twice a week.

So I would like some opinion, do i look gay, or is it just a good way to attract attention from women. Opinion from women are most welcomed.

View related questions: at work, muscle, shy

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A female reader, Aunty Susie Australia +, writes (21 May 2018):

Aunty Susie agony auntThat is a shame - her loss. Just think of it as an exercise; a practice run asking a girl out. Each time from now on will only get easier.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Don't be discouraged. She got cold-feet. She was caught off-guard; and probably didn't expect you to follow-up on her flirtations.

Waiting until a half-hour before a date to cancel reflects badly on her, not you. Keep your chin up, and be a man about it.

Don't try to understand "women!" Try to understand the woman you come to know, and those you are familiar with. You can't blame her, when your asking for a date was basically an afterthought. She'll make up a lame excuse and call you back. I'm not one for being stood-up; but it's better to remain courteous, and decline any further contact.

Don't tolerate flakiness. Games and tricks are for kids!

Just a word of advice. If someone, especially a female, doesn't respond to two or three widely-spaced contact-attempts...please stop!

Her loss! Don't let it get to you. Remain polite when you're a customer at the restaurant. There will be other ladies and other opportunities.

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A male reader, Jerry1992 Singapore +, writes (18 May 2018):

Jerry1992 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry for the late reply.

The date never happened. Half an hour before our "date" was supposed to happen, she texted me saying she couldn't make it. She doesn't reply to my text messages or answer the phone either.

I really don't understand women. :-(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

How was your date? Did you go sleeveless for your date? ;-)

I bought my boyfriend several tank tops but he is too shy to wear them. I personally like the style though it might look a little too laid back and distracting for the office.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (16 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI hope the date went well.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Now that's what I'm talking about!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

We are all very happy for you.

She could be the one.

Dress nice?!

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A male reader, Jerry1992 Singapore +, writes (14 May 2018):

Jerry1992 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update: today during my lunch break I went to the restaurant with the cute chatty student waitress again. We chatted about work, her studies, and there was a part where I complained about the new cook lol. I told her about a Spanish restaurant I dined at recently. She asked about the location and then I just said I am going there after work tonite and would she like to join me.She said yes :-) got her phone number too. Will be seeing her in about 2 hours time...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

Sounds like you're selling yourself.

You should go on or another dating site and then write what you wrote here then you might meet someone (isn't that what's really wanted)?

Good for you with all those women hitting onto you.

Lap it up!

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A female reader, Aunty Susie Australia +, writes (14 May 2018):

Aunty Susie agony auntWiseOwlE knows what he's talking about - so take heed! The reason you are attracting attention is because you're not looking for it. You're not needy, you are oozing confidence, health and fitness - all this is creating a fantastic turn on for these young women.

Be respectful, have fun and take care. xx

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Post script:

If you're a handsome-guy; other straight-males are threatened by you, and envious. Even your buddies will try to spoil your game; and they will tease you with that gay-stereotype bullshit! Guys go for the ego when they see you're stiff competition. They'll say things to bust your balls, to bring you down a peg. You're getting all the female-attention.

Yet they'll drag you everywhere as a wing-man; because you're a lady-magnet. When I was in the Air Force, and back in college; I was the wing-man for my buddies. I drew the women; but I was still in the closet back then. Yes, I kept a few for myself.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

I am gay, and I'd like to know what you mean by "looking gay?"

If you looked gay, why would women even bother flirting as you've described? You do know what flirting is...right?

You may have your own stereotypical-perceptions of what gay looks like; but you wouldn't truly know if a guy is gay, unless you ask and he confirms it. Using appearance as the sure way to tell is STUPID! Women aren't that stupid!

Do you presume there is some special gay dress-code to define and identify sexual-orientation? That's a far reach, dude!!!

All gay-men are not effeminate, we aren't all flawlessly well-groomed; and many don't use hair-product...but should! Some don't even moisturize! I see big husky guys at the gym; with bottles of hair moisturizer, body-lotion, and the majority of them wear sharp trendy workout-gear! Married or single straight-men! If I went by your assumption, I should feel like a kid in a candy-shop on Christmas! I know better!

Good-grooming and dressing tastefully seems pretty common among the straight-men I know; and most of the male-employees who work under my supervision. We have a work-casual dress-code; and we have openly-gay men and women, as well as straight-workers. They all seem to dress according to their own personal-taste and style; and if you had to try and guess their orientation, you couldn't tell one from the other. It's too homogeneous! Case in point, and pun intended!

The younger-males all seem to like short-cropped beards, layered haircuts, and all the males of all ages are well-groomed and well-dressed. With some exceptions, who are clean; but a little dated. Some older-guys still wear pleated-pants. They all seem to wear contemporary-haircuts; because they seem to fall inline with what's popular and deemed attractive on men. Period!

Women don't play coy. They like a clean, well-groomed, masculine, attractive male. You asked why they didn't ask for your number? No, the question is: why didn't you ask for theirs, Mr. Straight-guy?!!

Women are astonished and confused as to why men send confusing or mixed-signals? Worse, no signals at all; when she's clearly flirting. Do you read the posts on DC? Most of them are from women! Trying to figure-out male-behavior!

When they are naturally-assertive; they must wonder if they come on too strong? Men are too aggressive when the timing and situation is inappropriate; and too shy when they've been given a clear opening or the green-light.

Guys with wives and girlfriends are usually the only ones who boldly ask for numbers and flirt. They hit-on women like crazy! While single grown-men play shy, are too awkward, boyish, nerdy (love the cute nerds), or too annoyingly frat-boy.

I know all this; because I'm gay. I also used to date women; and I listen to what women say or think about us men. Regardless of our sexual-orientation, a man is a man.

Women feel they make fools of themselves coming onto guys who either respond like pigs; or don't get it when she's clearly flirting and signaling..."I'm a single and available female! Say something guy!" They know they've got to at least take a shot at it! If guys weren't so into their hi-tech devices and gaming; they'd have better radar, and some semblance of a personality. You seem like a good-catch; so women are going to pickup on it! You're lucky as heck!

They like a guy who cares how he looks. They like your lay-back casual-style, and your healthy well-maintained build. Gay is probably the last thing crossing their minds; until they notice you don't volley-back their flirtations, or ask for their numbers.

Put your presumptions and stereotypes about gay-men aside. You don't know how to respond when a girl is flirting with you. You don't react on the spot, your delayed-reaction or awkwardness would be the only reason they'd assume you were gay. Not how you dress, because you workout, or how you wear your hair!

Of course, some women are homophobes, who like the phony over-the-top macho-guys who put on an extra layer of machismo; and usually have a two-digit IQ, and usually treat them like shit. If she's quick to judge you as gay, and she doesn't even know you. She's not the girl for you. She's got issues and prejudices! Judging without knowing is stupidity!

You've described yourself as the progressive modern-male; with a good education, and good earning-potential. If that's gay, I fall into that category; and it seems a lot of straight-guys are right there with me! Women have caught-on, and no longer stereotype men as gay for caring about our looks. They know gay when the meet one. Most have gay-male friends or relatives; and have developed their own gay-dar!

You're underestimating female-intuition, savvy, and their broad intellect. No pun intended, ladies!

Flirt back you hunk! They are throwing themselves at you!

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