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Is it possible he wants more than sex?

Tagged as: Crushes, Online dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

About a month ago, I downloaded the app Tinder out of pure boredom. I wasn't looking for a relationship because my previous one really messed me up and ever since then I've had a really hard time developing feelings for guys. I was in a place where I'd just hook up with guys and not commit to anyone. On Tinder, I swiped on a handful of guys and matched with almost all of them. This one guy really caught my attention because I was certain he was a catfish. He was stunningly handsome, and a moderately successful recording artist, with thousands of followers on social media. When I matched with him I was skeptical, but we started talking. He added me on Snapchat and I saw that it was actually him I was talking to. We Snapped back and forth every day and a week or two later he casually made a joke about me coming to his house. We live in different parts of the same city. I really did want to see him so I went at like 1 am to his apartment. When I got there we talked a lot, smoked some weed, cooked together, and watched TV. It was the middle of the night so there wasn't that much we could do but we still had a good time. He wanted me to sleep over so I wouldn't have to be on public transit at such a late hour but I had to be home in the morning so I left. We then made another plan to hang out a couple days later. He's a freelance photographer so he said we could do a photoshoot. We met up in the afternoon, went to the park, walked around and took some pictures. Then we went back to his apartment. We smoked a little and then cooked together. After we ate we were on his bed watching TV and cuddling. Cuddling turned into kissing which turned into foreplay which turned into sex. None of it was really rushed, we took it pretty slow. After we had sex, we took a shower together which was pretty innocent, we just showered together but we didn't really do anything, then we made more food and cuddled until I had to leave. The trains were messing up that night and it was getting really hard for me to get home, so I called him at 2 am asking if he could send an uber for me, which he happily did. I felt bad asking him to do that at such an hour but he was so sweet about it. Honestly, I'm used to guys only wanting sex, so I don't know what to make of this. I really have developed feelings for this guy, and I haven't had real feelings for a guy since I dated my ex. We do have long and meaningful conversations about religion and the universe and our childhoods. When we're together we talk about anything and everything. Also, sometimes he'll do something like ramdomly like old pictures on my Instagram which make me think he thinks about me. I just feel like he could do so much better and I don't see why he would choose to be in a relationship with me, which is why I don't want to ask him. Being around him makes me so happy and I wish he could just be mine, but I don't know if he feels the same. However they do say that men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free, so I don't know if putting out so early makes me just a hookup. (I was just really attracted to him and I was really into it.) Usually when I hook up with guys we have the sex, we don't talk much, I leave and I barely hear from them. With him, even after we had sex, nothing changed, we were still laughing and talking with each other. I'm sorry if I sound foolish but do you think he might actually like me, or does it sound like he just wants to hook up?

View related questions: foreplay, kissing, my ex

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree it's possible he wants more, it's possible he likes semi-casual hookups to be more "elaborate" than just "wham bam thank you, ma'am" sex.

I'd say maybe suggest to go out and do something other than "home-dates" and see what he thinks.

And I also want to say this to you, him being a " moderately successful recording artist moderately successful recording artist" doesn't mean he was safe. If you continue with this Tinder hookups (if he doesn't work out) AT LEAST use some common sense and be mindful that not everyone out there is safe.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I agree with N91.

Possible, it is ; everything is possible ! never say never.

On the other hand ,it sounds like you really had back luck with guys, or low standards , and have met / accepted more indifference , coldness and rudeness that it's reasonable to expect or take even from casual sex partners.

Casual does not mean callous or inhumane, and frankly I am surprised that you are so impressed by him helping you a bit to reach home safely ; well, that's the bare minimum, I'd say ! , as a matter of fact he could - and should- have droven you back , or at least offered to provide you a taxi ride home even without you asking.

It's Ok to be friends with benefits , if you do not want a serious relationship; but you can decide to be "friends " only with gentlemen , though :)

Anyway - time will tell. It's too early to draw any conclusions , because if I got it right, after all, you just saw him twice. Btw, I would try to slow down a bit emotionally, you have seen him twice, spent maybe half a day together and you feel you have developped real feelings ?... Uhmmm. Slow down . Don't dive, sentimentally, before seeing how shallow is the water.

I agree with N91 about the concept of finding out how the land lies, and about "nothing ventured nothing gained ". Someone may object, not unreasonably, that such a forceful, direct approach so early on might scare a guy off, turn him off... This is possible. Then again, what do YOU want ? Are you clear about it ? If you only want a relationship, not casual sex or " hanging out " or whatever.... then you need a guy that does not get

" scared " or " turned off " at the bare mention of a possible committment :)

To be perfectly honest, I would not be overly optimistic in your shoes. I find relevant, in a negative way , that he invited you to his place as a first date. Because, even in this day and age of instant connection and instant gratification, still, if a man really wants to get to know you, and see if you have gf potential,- it's not in his bedroom that he will invite you, but to a movie or restaurant or art show etc. etc. Then again, it's also true that you met through Tinder - and asking out to an art show a girl met on Tinder it's a bit like inviting a Navy Seal to a pacifist rally, it just does not come to mind as a first idea....

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

N91 agony auntOf course it's possible he does, but it's just an probable that he's likes to communicate with whoever he's sleeping with more than your previous hook ups did.

Best person to ask is him. You're going to have to eventually anyways, you like him so what else can you do? Go on wondering for the rest of your life?

Ask him, find out where you're up to. Life's too short to be messed around, who knows, could work out just how you want it to.

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