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How to move on after a bad relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2017)
A female age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi my name is Danielle and I am 24 years old I am currently single and living with my parents. I am writing this because I do not know how to go on and to move on with life. About a year ago I left my ex boyfriend.. I thought we were soulmates and this was a huge upheaval. I'm ashamed too admit that it was an abusive relationship, I'd have liked to have been one of those strong people who walked away after the first incident but unfortunately I was going through terrible depression and the abuse went on for 5 years. I went through an extremely low point after finally realising I no longer loved him at first I felt elated to be free but then I looked at my life I realised how much I'd missed in those years.. my family had moved away my siblings had grown in to adults and I'd missed out on it all.. I had no job no savings could not afford my rent and too cats I'd taken with me and worst of all zero self esteem. So I moved in my wonderfully forgiving parents and started studying..I now have a good paying job which i am so extremely grateful for because in my town job numbers are very low. But I cannot shake the feeling of depression. I would like to start renting somewhere but being alone scares me.I often have nightmares about some of the things my ex partner did and the thought of a new relationship terrifies me.. what if I am fooled again? My ex was so charming in the beginning :/ I know a lot of people are worse of and are dealing with worse things and I'd like to appreciate how lucky I am and enjoy what should be a good time but I just can't. Sometimes the stress gets so bad when I'm at work I feel like I'm going to panic.. I used to suffer from panic attacks when things got too bad but I'm learning to suppress the panic.. Unfortunately this job is very stressful and physical job. It's as though every single thing that happens in my mind is doomed to fail.. I have been in contact with a nice guy recently and I appreciate having someone to talk to but when I remember how things once were I feel like deleting his number becuase what if its pretend what if he is an angry cruel person underneath as well.Im trying really hard to take control of my life and be a productive person but inside it's like I've been poisoned. I know some people will probably suggest therapy but at this point I do not have the time with my job I do a lot of seven day weeks and often work 12 hour shifts so hardly any free time :(. I'm wondering if there are other people out there who have been in similar situations and how they pushed through it. I want to be happy and confident and to achieve good things. Most of all I'd like to know how it felt to be in a loving relationship.

View related questions: at work, move on, moved in, my ex, self esteem, soulmate, want to be happy

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you want to get your life back then you MAKE time to get the help that you need. You should not feel weak or ashamed you should feel proud that you found the strength to leave this guy and look to the future. The break up is probably the best thing that could have happened to you, now you need to put yourself first and get the help that you need.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

First I am glad you got away from the abusive tool you were with. It sounds to me as if you are suffering from PTSD. You say you don't have time to go to therapy because of your job. I'll take it at your word that you work seven days a week. But no job runs 24/7. And most full time jobs have some sort of sick time. Talk to your family doctor and get a referral to a therapist who treats battered women. A good therapist will try to work around your schedule.

If you don't have a doctor call the women's shelter closest to you or the closest women's health clinic and explain your situation. They should be able to put you in touch with the resources you need.

You can't go on like this. Living in fear and with a sense of impending panic is not a life it is an existence and a poor one. You can only suppress the panic so long on your own.

Good luck.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Have you thought of trying online therapy / counseling ?

There's a lot of people with time constraints like you , and remote, text -based counselling is rapidly growing in popularity.

BetterHelp is US based but has registered users from all over Europe. Talkspace has 500.000 registered users worldwide . PlusGuidance is popular in UK. These just the few names that I know, but if you do a Google search I am sure there are several others among which you might find someone willing to work with your schedule by email, messaging or videocalls.

These are for-pay services (and you can verify all the therapist's qualifications, and that they are enrolled in the acccredited Registers of their country. )

If you don't want to spend money, I think there also are volunteer counseling / therapy online platforms,- but, at this point, if you don't want to embark in a professional, committed patient/ therapist relationship, and you just want a supportive, non judgemental ear on order to take things off your chest, want to and clear your mind by thinking your things aloud,- your best bet is calling the Samaritans hotline.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (10 October 2017):

BrownWolf agony auntHello Danielle,

First off...No one needs therapy for doing the right thing. Which you did. People need therapy when they keep doing the wrongs things, but expect a good outcome, and cannot understand why things are not getting better.

Some people would rather take the abuse and feel like someone is paying attention to them, rather than being alone. The insecurity of making yourself feel like it is all your fault, or that you are not good enough.

You are good enough....in fact, you were the best when you stood up against someone treating you bad for their own pleasure.

Never be afraid of what happened to you. Bad things happen for good reasons. The good reason started the moment you had enough. Slowly you began to build up strength, until you became strong enough to walk away. Now you have learned some valuable lessons...

1) What happen to you, should NEVER happen again.

2) You will encourage any other woman going through the same thing, to leave...right away.

3) You now know what happened to you is never accepted, soulmate or not.

4) If it ever happened again...and yes...LIFE has a way of repeating those events for one reason...To make sure you have learned the first time...But this time, you will not wait 5 years...Not 5 months...Not 5 hours...Not even 5 minutes...you would be gone, and have the police in that guys face, faster than he can say "Sorry".

These things are not meant to keep us weak. Yes they are hard lessons...but they teach us to stand up, hold your head up, chest out, and march forward. We do not cower in a corner in fear...You stand up...face LIFE and say "What else you got? BRING IT!!!

I had a very rough childhood...But choose to give LIFE a rough time as well. The more it knock me down...The faster I stand up...Because..."If you are weak in a crisis...then you are weak indeed."

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A female reader, ALM12 United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

ALM12 agony auntHey Danielle. Sorry to hear about your breakup. Tho breakups are horrible consider yourself lucky. This breakup has saved your life in a sense. You said you were in an abusive relationship right?? Now the steps to healing is being connected to a therapist. Good luck!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

N91 agony auntSorry to hear that you went through an abusive relationship, no one deserves that.

I'm afraid the only thing that is going to help you is therapy, I highly doubt there's anything at home you could do to get yourself out of a depression and a mindset that everyone is out to get you and you're never going to succeed in life.

You are going to have to make time to be able to attend sessions. Can you juggle shifts? Search for therapists that may work longer or more unsociable hours to cater for yourself, you may be surprised and find something that works for you, but you really need to look into it.

You're right, there is the chance that that guy could turn out like your ex, but there's also a chance that this guy may turn into your husband. Who knows unless you try? I understand that you're scared, of course you are, why wouldn't you be? But you said you've missed out on a lot of things over the years and you're going to miss out on many more if you keep yourself closed off. This is the thing about love, you have to let yourself go and yes you will get hurt, that's all part of it, but you will also find someone that treats you how you deserve to be.

Please seek help, make the time! I wish you all the best for the future.

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