A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met a fellow on a dating site a few months ago with the mutually-agreed-on purpose of only having sex. Since then, we've continued to hook up, but it's been happening less and less - from several times a week to once every 1-2 weeks - although he is still the one initiating all of our encounters (I am a bit insecure so I don't feel brave enough to do that yet).I'm wondering whether this is normal for men in FWB relationships, to slow down contact as the novelty wears off, or is he becoming disinterested in me and trying to distance himself?I'm scared that he doesn't find me very physically attractive - sure, he wants to sleep with me, but that may be out of desperation more than anything else, you know? I have the sense that he doesn't get out much, and maybe I'm the only girl who's been willing to sleep with him in a while. In college I was rarely propositioned and didn't get much attention from guys, so I think I'm rather plain. Plus he's more conventionally attractive than me, at least from my perspective.He has mentioned that he's going to be a bit busier with work this month, but if a man is really interested (especially in sex, which I know this guy is), wouldn't he be able to make the time?I don't care if he has another girl he is also seeing, and don't worry, I don't feel that I am being used. The sexual attraction is there on my end and I would like to keep our sex NSA. I would just like the assurance that I'm actually attractive to him. Please let me know if, given his actions, this is likely.
View related questions:
friend with benefits, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): OP again.
CindyCares, the fact about oxytocin was news to me. That might explain some things, like why I always feel a bit down and reluctant to leave after we finish. I agree with your points (thank you, your advice is always so thoughtful!), but even though I want to be honest with myself, I think I'm confused on what I really want. The LTRs I've had in the past were generally unsatisfactory: I enjoyed the buildup more than the actual relationship, and my attraction to the person would fade after a few weeks of being together. So at this point in my life I'm not ready for a real relationship. On the other hand, I want to do romantic things. Dates. Cuddling. Sleeping over. I'm not sure if this means I'm falling for my FWB, but it's a scary prospect.
Anonymous, you described my feelings with eerie accuracy! He and I are so sexually compatible. I find him occupying my thoughts a lot, far more than is convenient for me, but I don't know whether I'm drawn to the sex or the person. But the possibility that none of these feelings are reciprocated is pretty crushing and, to be honest, it's not doing my self-image any favours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): The dick IS a magic wand! LOLAnd it can wield a lot of power over a woman. To stay in a FWB relationship even though she sees a dead end sign at the end of this road. Even if she falls in love, she will keep walking that road because she is blinded by the sex, the excitement, the longing, the fact he will never be hers, and yes, the never ending hope that he may change his mind... For many, it sure beats the ho hum of an everyday relationship. And they like to live on the edge. It's like being addicted to playing with the fire even though you know that the fire will eventually burn you. The addiction renders you helpless. And sex can certainly be addicting. Sex has been known to make people do things they wouldn't normally do. Especially if the SEX is DAMNED GOOD. I truly believe it isn't that easy to find a sexual partner you can skyrocket with. And if you can handle your feelings, why would you not want to take advantage of this kind of a sexual adventure? ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2017):
 You know, I think there IS.
It's a myth that only men can keep sex and love separated. Women do it too.
True, less than men , maybe because of a biological thing, women's bodies produce 8 times more oxytocin ( the bonding hormone ) than men's during intercourse. But in highly evoluted, highly sophisticated cultural and social structures like those where most of the world lives now, we are NOT our biology.
Many other factors intervene .
There are lots of women who , at least at some point in life, choose to have sex for fun or for the heck of it, without necessarily developing a deep attachment for their lovers. Teens just after experimenting and accruing experience, college girls sowing their wild oats, married women with a 7 year itch, older women attracted to much younger men, recently divorced ladies who want to take a break before embarking in another serious relationship, women living abroad for work only for few months or few years,... the list of girls who just wanna have fun may go on and on.
So, it's not like an unbreakable law of nature that a woman ends up very attached to her sex partner ( although yes, it does happen quite often, I am not denying that ).
I think that the problem is that many girls , and women, are not honest with themselves. Or don't know what they really want, what would make them happy.
So, I can see from many posts on DC, that these girl would be actually looking for a real relationship, that they'd want to love and be loved, that they are ready for something serious, with that specific guy , or just in general- YET they accept FWBs when they are not offered anything more suitable. Maybe they think that as long as they have one foot in the door, they can make the man change their mind... or that casual sex is the only thing which will get them the attention of THAT man, or of men in general...
Anyway , my point is : it's just a dick, not a magic wand. It's not that when he touches you with his " magic wand ", oops you fall in love.
IMO, it's more that you have neglected and ignored what you really are looking for, what you are ready for.
If you ( generic you ) are a person who ( and rightly so, there's nothing wrong with that ) craves romance, and emotional intimacy, and stability etc.. nevertheless you hook up with someone who holds up a big sign with " Don't even go there " on, sooner or later, and more sooner than later, you'll will flood him with the full power of feelings and emotions which scream to be experienced, lived and expressed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): OP here. Thank you everyone for your answers; you've helped me see more clearly. I really like the idea of FWB, but perhaps I'm not built for them. If only there was a way to have great sex and not get attached haha!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): FWB are ALL about SEX.
So, yes he was physically attracted to you enough to have sex.
But that is ALL there was.
And it appears that is all he was ever interested in.
And he has now moved on.
It has lost its novelty because it was JUST sex. There was NO connection beyond sex. At least for him.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 April 2017):
 ero expectations
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 April 2017):
 Listen, you picked the WRONG type of relationship to test your insecurities on, because by its very nature, FWB rejects a permanent or emotional connection in favor of no-strings-attached sex.
Nearly all relationships start out with tons of sex before easing up some and finding a more natural rhythm and frequency. Even serious relationships and marriages don't sustain the levels of sex they had at the honeymoon period (or honeymoon itself!). That's not a measure of your attractiveness. That's the way of nature.
If the guy thought you were unattractive, he wouldn't have entered into the FWB arrangement with you in the first place. The fact that your sexual frequency has diminished is normal, but again, if he found you unattractive, it would be ZERO.
Now I wonder if your real worry was why he hasn't found you attractive enough to go beyond FWB and suggest a more permanent and traditional exclusive relationship. THIS is a bad idea to gauge your worth on that. Most FWB never go to full relationships, which is why they suck in the first place. If you want a relationship where someone finds you attractive body AND soul, then NEVER enter into an FWB, because at its core, you use each other's bodies until you don't feel like it anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 April 2017):
 I agree with Chigirl,
"I would say that yes, he's not attracted to you as a whole, BUT he is physically attracted to you."
You are "hot" enough to have sex with but perhaps not someone he wants to date - which works out as YOU are only looking for NSA sex.
Though there WILL come a time where the novelty wears off or either of you wants more/want different and that has NOTHING to do with how you look.
People can be attracted to MORE than just physical appearances, you know that right?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2017):
 Yes, to your head line question. That is possible. But I think in this case you need to drop the insecurity-angle. What is really going on is that he just isn't that interested, for whatever reason. Maybe precisely because it is non strings attached, so it is fun at first, but then ... that's really all there is to it also, you know. Noting more to discover, nothing more to develop, nothing new and exciting, no feelings that grow, just nothing.
I would say that yes, he's not attracted to you as a whole, BUT he is physically attracted to you. You don't repulse him. But he doesn't see anything else attractive in you, apart from physically, so no point in spending a lot of his time and energy on you when nothing besides sex would ever come of it.
And believe me when I say, men are just like women when it comes to sex and relationships. Only a very, very few can handle sex without developing feelings. This thing about women attaching feelings more easily to sex is just bullshit. Men do it as well. And men want a committed relationship just as much as a woman does, but he only wants it, naturally, with someone who he feels connected with. The only difference between men and women when it comes to sex is that men are culturally allowed to be more open and honest about their desires and needs. No one raises an eyebrow if a man says he wants casual sex. But lo and behold how many opinions you get if a woman says the same.... And then everyone assumes she is being taken advantage of. Bullshit, again. Women, just like men, also enjoy a casual encounter every now and then.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 April 2017):
 I don't think a guy would repeatedly have sex with someone they don't find attractive. Unless they're very, very desperate I'd imagine.
Maybe he's speaking to someone else, he's also told you he's busy with work which could both be very viable reasons.
It's not a serious arrangement and it can be very easy to lose interest in a FWB when no feelings get involved whatsoever. I mean, you don't really have to chase someone who has sex with you on command do you? So it's not as interesting as trying to actually date a girl. I'd say it's more down to that than physical attraction.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 April 2017):
I think the most probable answer is that he is / was °somewhat ° attracted to you.
I.e. : since surely he did not get himself an FWB because of doctors 's orders, he would not have had sex with you numerous times if he had not felt reasonably physically attracted to you. Oth, it's quite possible that he did not get too many volunteers for the position of FWB, so his choices were limited and maybe none of them were quite up to his real wishes and expectations.
Then again, I think that even if you had been a gorgeous Miss Universe, what you are lamenting could have happened anyway, because it happens so very often in physical only relationships. Sex is of course a rather powerful glue to keep people coming back to each other - but not nearly as powerful as one would think. Lust is never enough by itself to keep things interesting for a long time. . As you notice, once the novelty wears off, and the excitement of a new conquest too , and they know all your repertoire ... a sense of satiety sets in . It becomes a mildly pleasant experience , but with no particular importance and no sense of urgency.
Its like, say, discovering a new good pizza place- at first you eat there 3 times a week, then it gets down to one, then once a month, and then to once in a random while.
Or maybe you pass altogether to Mexican food or Chinese.
The good news is that this is not about you and your looks, it's just how things tend to go in general. The bad news is that if you have to pose this kind of question- you are not well equipped for FWB, at least not for this one. You can't afford to get too attached, or too concerned about outcome and duration. You have to be able to be very philosophical about it, very in the moment, - it lasts till it lasts , and then , thank you for the memories, and : next !( since he is surely not the only man you can be sexually attracted to ).
Easier said than done, as your posts seems to confirm.
...............................
|
