A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am dating a guy who is about a decade older than me. On our first date we went to a restaurant (one he'd chosen and he asked me out). When the bill came he wanted to split it. He has a very well paying job. I am setting up my own business and earn very little.After the whole restaurant episode I suggested going out and eating on the cheap and we just pay for ourselves. He agreed to splitting expenses. Am I being petty that it annoyed me that he is splitting everything down the middle when he earns a really good salary (approx. 50k) and I am not making the national average as I am just starting out.Also he talks about how its not worth going out to certain places as they are too expensive. I suppose people are going to tell me that I am not into him enough if this worries me. Also that a guy doesn't have to pay (which is true however it would have been nice for him to pay for the first date esp as he invited me out and choose the venue). Any opinions?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 After he showed you he's no gentleman in paying for the first date, I would not have accommodated him; to suggest eating on the cheap etc. You either want a man to act as a man or he is a friend to hang out with? Friends share the bill, not potential romantic suitors!?
For me when a man starts with the; certain places are too expensive and behaves cheap that's fair warning he's petty and calculating. Be they have good wages, a mortgage and or child support to pay or live within their means those comments are all about their priorities - MONEY!
Even so how the fairies fart does that stop a man from being a gentleman, too pay for dinner when HE picked the venue and invited you out!? What would be the case had you not the money in your purse to split the bill? It was RUDE, without warning, and in his nature to have split the bill!
Now if you're a lady that likes to be wowed every now and again, made to feel special; be assured they don't spend on FUN, flowers or the frivolous for long periods or at all. Plus you will start to become like them (calculating) and oblige them to keep their stingy petty cheapskate behaviour by offering to pay your own way.
I do not see these people as givers but TAKERS! I believe he totally calculated the monetary value of the dinner date, rather than the potential value of the person his was meant to be more interested in that night.
I think he’d be better off with McDonald’s vouchers.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 August 2017):
 I'd let this one go.
As Honeypie points out, it is (or was) generally understood that when you invite someone out for coffee, lunch or dinner or what have you, that you are treating them, unless specifically indicated otherwise. There are some exceptions of course which I won't get into, but this is the general rule of thumb.
Naturally both parties will be sizing each other up, but to TEST you and in such an obvious way would be rude and cheeky. IF that's what he was doing, and I highly doubt that.
This man has shown you early on that he's very much a 'me first' kind of guy. He clearly wasn't concerned with making a good impression. And while a man has every right to protect himself from being used as a meal ticket, I can't help but notice that these men aren't quite so concerned with splitting housework and child rearing 50/50. They're happy to enjoy all the perks of 'feminism': a woman who is 'liberated enough' to offer consequence free sex,'empowered' enough to pay her own way and 'strong enough' do all the work herself. Something for men who make little 'joking' jabs at woman to think about. We all want the best of both worlds.
He's not a keeper, OP. I wouldn't bother with a second date. Just ghost him and move on.
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A
female
reader, holeymoley +, writes (18 August 2017):
 While I agree that it is stingy to ask you out and expect you to go Dutch on the first date maybe this could stem from him being taken advantage of himself in previous relationships because he is financial. If thats the case, then its understandable for him to be a bit more careful this time round. Or he is simply sick of forking out and things don't turn out. Does he have kids or an ex wife he is financially responsible for because good earner or not that can leave money tight. Or it could be he simply is a tight arse. Probably wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, instead wait and see and get to know him a bit better
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): Thanks, I am the person who asked the question. I normally alternate paying and have even suggested that the guy can spend less to be nearer what I spend (even when he earns a lot more).
Do people think the alternating payment system is fair? Some people might say not because the person who earns more might feel obliged to fork out more on outings.
I just think it was the whole splitting the bill when he'd chosen the place that annoyed me. Also I feel it just feels a bit nicer when you treat each-other then when you work out things and split down the middle, plus it allows both parties to change their spending if there are changes in income or the other party feels that one of you deserves a special treat e.g. promotion at work etc.
As for the guy I've since suggested we be friends, even though he is cute I don't think there is enough chemistry there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): I wouldn't go out with him again. Asking you out on a first date and split the bill! In my opinion he doesn't have any manners. Some ladies might be ok with splitting but obviously it's not for everybody including me.. I'm old fashioned and it's important that the man be in charge. I'm an independent woman with a great paying job and I do pay when I go out with my fiancé but he knows I like him to be in charge. I always offer to pay but this split thing is not for me, I just hate it. Money is not the case the feeling of protection is. For us is unspoken. I always offer to pay and we fight over taking the bill and whoever takes it first pays it. If he pays two times in a row I make sure I cook something couple of times for him or buy take outs and do not let him to pay next time we go out. This guy is not doing what an average decent guy does, trying to impress you even is not a case here. He is cheap. Move on!
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (18 August 2017):
I'm on the fence on this one. When going out w/a guy, I don't look for someone who will pay for everything, but certainly nice to get treated. When I 1st started dating my bf, he paid for everything, now we split (I pay for one date, he pays for the next). After dating a total cheapskate (cheap when it came to me) and a guy who was absolutely broke, I def watch out so that a guy doesn't take financial advantage of me. Also when a guy talks a lot about money constantly(wow this place is expensive, that's a good deal, etc), he is more then likely a cheapskate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2017):
 I do think if a guy (or girl) PICKS the venue they pay OR they at least tell the other person BEFORE hand that they want to go Dutch (pay their own way). You don't wait till the bill gets there to decide that you want to split. THAT is really bad manners IMHO.
If I invite someone out to dinner you can be sure I'll pick up the tap. If they OFFER to pitch in I might suggest they leave the tip.
My guess is he wants to see what kind of woman you are. Are you expecting to be wined and dined? Are you high maintenance or independent.
If you at the moment CAN'T afford to go out for meals, suggest other dates. Do a search and see what's free in your city or the neighboring city. Stick to grabbing a coffee and do things.
If you feel like he is doing it just to be an ass, don't have another date with him.
As for how much he earns versus how much you earn - shouldn't matter at this stage. He doesn't owe you anything. You don't owe HIM anything either.
Again, if you don't like it he probably isn't for you.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (18 August 2017):
I think the whole thing about feminism was that girls will pay her half of the restaurant bill. I'm joking, but if you are a feminist, you need to bear with it.This depends on your cultural background. In places like Germany , it's very normal for splitting the tab whenever a couple go out to somewhere.Now, if your guy is earning very well, and wants to constantly split the tab, it could be that he is a cheapskate.Now, if you want to go further in this relationship, don't expect lots of gifts, and expect separate assets and all that stuff if you want to marry.Just don't feel bad about it. For some girls this is not for them, for others girls they see this is not a problem.If this guy knows you don't have a lot of money, then you can read this situation as a warning sign that this guy has no empathy for you, and it's just the tip of the iceberg of his lack of empathy.
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