A
female
age
30-35,
*hlle
writes:Hello.I hope all is well. I’ve been dating this guy I met at school for five months and this is my first real relationship. I just have a question since I don’t have much relationship / dating / experience. Is it normal to spend every minute of every day together? He just always wants to talk and spend time together and do everything together. He calls and text me constantly. It is starting to be very draining for me. When I try to tell him how I feel he says I don’t care about the relationship and that I’m distant and that I make him feel lonely. But, I feel just as lonely, to be honest. I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. I feel like I have no identity. Are these normal feelings? Aren’t you supposed to be happy in a relationship? Should I just get over my feelings and just appreciate being with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2020): He might be showing signs of insecurity; and I venture to speculate that he's smothering you with too much of his attention! His clinginess may be indicative of a recent-breakup, frequent (or recent) rejection, and a lack of self-confidence. Many romantic-connections made over the internet pan-out to nothing, or end in disappointment. Read DC, and you'll know what I mean.
Loneliness and confinement drives some people crazy. Try to be understanding to some degree.
One would guess the guy is pretty needy; and requires constant reassurance. In the infancy of a budding-relationship; showing insecurity through excessive-enthusiasm is the best way I know to overwhelm somebody, and make them wonder if you're nuts. That is, unless you're dealing with someone who's conceited, or narcissistic. Their style is to be nonchalant, too self-assured, and sending mixed-signals to provoke anxiousness. One-party is quite certain they've got their love-connection on the hook, and right where they want him or her to be. Meanwhile, the other-side is confused or bewildered. Wondering whether they're wasting their time? If you date online, or by long-distance; you better be grown-up, and prepared for whatever! Cut yourself loose, if you feel like you're being dangled on a string. That goes for both guys and ladies!
DC is inundated with questions from people in new-relationships, trying to figure-out what they've gotten themselves into. Many guys are conditioned by their online-dating experience to believe that if they don't call or message a lot; their love-interest will read that to be waning or a lack of interest. Many women demand constant texting or messaging. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't! Let him know you don't require a constant blitz of text messages; or have to be constantly called to assure you he's interested. I also guess he's trying to make sure you're always home; and not out hanging with other dudes!
Being unable to properly nurture your young-relationship, and under the restrictions of house-confinement due to the pandemic; your timing isn't conducive to conducting a newly committed-relationship. The pandemic hit, while you both were in the midst of getting to know each-other. Some people exude what is perceived as indifference, but don't realize it. Hence, the reaction they get is panic and insecurity from someone they've initiated a romance. They offer very little feedback, or send mixed-signals to let them know what's going on. If he's smothering you, cut him loose; you may not have the patience for a guy like him.
I suggest you gently ask him to slow-down; and give you some breathing-room.
If you're not as enthusiastic, or into this relationship as he is; then tell him so.
Your irritation may not be just that he's so clingy and persistent; it may be possible you're holding-on to him for convenience. Just because you need to feel the energy of someone pursuing you. He flatters your ego with being hopelessly-infatuated. It makes you feel annoyed, and it makes you feel wanted. There's two-sides to every story we receive; and it's only fair to give the other party some benefit of the doubt. He can't explain or defend his actions or behavior to us. We get only your take on it.
Your situation is relatively easy to control; even for the least-experienced person. You let the other person know that they should feel assured you care about them, but remind them to slow-down, and give you some time to establish and sort your feelings. You don't have to pickup every-time he calls, he can leave a message; and you can tell him when you're busy, and will get back with him later. If he suddenly stops, you might be returning with a very different post! Be careful what you wish for, or you just might get it!
Just playfully tell him he needs to take a chill-pill; let him know how much you like him (assuming you do), but he has to trust that you do.
If you're not really that into him, don't lead him on. Tell him, if it's not going to work. You don't have to suffer the annoyance. There's many ladies who'd be glad to change places with you. If you don't seem to miss him, the matter may solve itself. He just may stop, and replace you. It does work two-ways. Either in your favor, or against you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (13 July 2020):
 If your relationship isn't making you happy, then what is the point in being in it?
I dislike the word "normal" because use of this word makes it sound like other ways of behaving a wrong in some way, whereas everyone is different. People "usually" want to spend time together at the start of a relationship. Everything is usually exciting and you want to spend time with the new focus of your life. However, this is only a good thing if you are both on the same page and both happy with the situation, which is not the case here.
Your boyfriend is trying to guilt trip you into spending all your time with him. He is either very insecure, very immature, very lonely or very controlling, possibly a combination of all the above. You need to stand your ground and decide what you want and then tell him. If he doesn't like it, then this really isn't the right relationship for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2020): It is normal if two people are in love, exclusive and planning to spend the rest of their lives together. It seems to me he is serious and wants to carry this relationship to a higher level but you are not. My advice, if you find the relationship suffucating then clearly you are not ready for that and the best course is to make that clear to him and carry it from there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2020):
 No, it's not quite normal. Also because in general people, when there are no pandemies and no lockdowns, could not afford doing that , even if they wanted it. People in general has got to work, or to study or to mind their children and do chores, etc. etc. , they just cannot spend the whole day romancing their SOs. But , as far as I know, most people would not want to even if they could ! What you describe , you are right, must be very draining , very suffocating, outside of very exceptional occasions , say , your honeymoon. You can love a person to bits , with all your heart, but , in general, if you also love yourself a little bit, you will need some space for your own individual pursuits, like seeing friends or reading or visiting your family members or going to church or meditating or whatever; living into each other's pocket cannot be very healthy but most of all cannot be such great fun ! Of course there are people who need more closeness and other people who need it less , but normally one can always mediate and compromise, and find some balance which may make both happy- or, at least, not unhappy. So, no, you should not " just appreciate being with him ", because the world, and YOUR world, does not and cannot contain only him- you need to leave some space for other things and people ( and he should do that too ).
If once you explain him this some more, he gets convinced , or at leat accepts your views, all is well; if he turns a totally deaf ear to the expression of what you feel and what you need... then , las, you know that there may be attraction between you, but there is no compatibility.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 July 2020):
 I think it's very typical in the beginning to want to spend a LOT of time with a new partner but every waking moment? It's a bit much. You two are still your own people.
Take some me time.
Go for a walk, a swim (if you live near a beach or lake) a bike ride.
Make yourself a reading list. A list of books you want to or HAVE to (for school) read. And then have at the books.
Do you have hobbies? Friends?
You HAVE to tell him that YOU need to re-charge YOUR batteries every now and then and do you. If he believes that is detrimental to the relationship, perhaps you two aren't the best of fit.
He sounds insecure, immature and controlling. He may not know that. But think about this, BEFORE you two dated he did JUST fine not constantly texting someone, right? I think because he is so young he isn't think much past his own needs and wants. However, that isn't helping the relationship either, is it?
Set up some Skype/Facetime "dates" - set a timer for an hour and after the hour is up, YOU do you. And he does him.
Some people who are introverted (even some extroverted) can only handle SO much interaction before we need to recharge. He might CRAVE a lot more interaction than you. That doesn't mean you HAVE to give that to him.
It can be hard to explain (to some people) that you just need to recharge and unwind BY yourself. To BE your best self and to contribute to the relationship or friendship the best you can.
IF he can not understand that, you MIGHT want to reconsider how good of a fit you two are.
It doesn't sound like a good relationship. FOR you. You mention nothing positive about him or the relationship.
After 5 months it should be more "organic", there should be a mutual desire to want to UNDERSTAND and KNOW each other. He is basically saying YOU need to fulfill HIS needs OR you are not into the relationship. He is ignoring YOUR needs and dismissing them. That is not good.
You need to express how you feel. And you are PERFECTLY OK in feeling you need to unwind, recharge, chill and NOT constantly be in contact. HE needs to respect that YOU have DIFFERENT needs for the level and frequency of interactions with him.
I think, you two are just not as good of a fit as you had both hoped.
One of my daughter's friend had a BF who texting her constantly and if she wasn't at home, in school or work he expected her to take PICTURES of where she was and who she was with. She was 17 and though OK I guess that is what you do in a relationship. So for a while she did just that. Then he didn't want her to hang out with her friends. (even though they were all girls) He even showed up at out house telling her she had been hanging out with the girls for long enough... Can you imagine? Then he didn't want her to do this or wear that.... And then she dumped him. Took her almost a year to get there, but it was probably the best thing she could do. He stalked her for another year, blowing up her phone from different numbers and she blocked them. It was just unhealthy. She felt like shit until she dumped him (and yes, we did advice her that this wasn't healthy or normal).
Long story short, when young people FIRST start out dating they don't really have a set of boundaries and standards. Because they haven't had much or any experience in being a couple. YOU have now spend 5 months with him and realized that you are not really happy, you feel drained and he doesn't WANT to listen to how you feel or what you have to say. IS that what you want in a partner? IS how you feel; lost, lonely, stressed not showing you that this is not the path for you?
You can be LONELY all by yourself. You can feel stressed or drained all by yourself.
You CAN try and communicate how you feel (again) - I just don't think he wants to listen or that he "cares" beyond what HE wants and thinks it should be.
You are NOT having to be GLUED at the hip when dating or being married. You are not a "half" of a "whole". YOU matter in a relationship. How you feel, what you need and want. You are after all, one of the 2 people in it! Trust and the ability to compromise are vital in a relationship.
You HAVE to decide though, if he continuously DOES not want to HEAR what I need/want without taking it as an affront to HIS needs/wants... is he the partner for you?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (13 July 2020):
 The answer to your question is I think its important to maybe have some space in a relationship and not be in each others pockets 24/7.
Having said that there are some couples that this works for being with each other all the time and are very much in love.
You are calling this relationship draining. If your finding being with him to much, even though you spend all this time together you still feel lonely, then I think you have to ask yourself is this relationship for you. You feel like you have lost part of your life. You have no identity, this is not the makings of a happy relationship.
In a relationship you should be happy, happy to see your partner, happy to do stuff together.
I think you need a break from him for a while to gather your thoughts and have some me time. During this time you need to think about whether you want to continue with this relationship.
I think for this to work he has got to stop being so full on and give you the space you need. has he got hobbies? Does he meet up with friends?. I think these things are important. Just by allowing each other this space you may find that you start to appreciate each other more.
But from what you say I'm not sure he will adhere to this. If he doesn't I would contemplate leaving this relationship. From your wording there is nothing positive emanating from this relationship apart from bad feelings. The words draining and lonely are not the makings of a good relationship.
Have this break from this relationship, enjoy your me time and decide during this time if this relationship is for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2020): No, don't try to get over your feelings. What you are feeling is perfectly valid. He is being too clingy, too demanding and worst of all, when you try to let him know how YOU feel, he completely dismisses your wishes and viewpoint.
This is not a good sign at all. Some people are abusive towards their partners as they have a desire to control them. One abusive tactic is to demand their partner's attention all the time, so that they have no possibility of meeting anyone new and also so that they stop thinking about themselves and their lives and only concentrate on them. This way they become the centre of the abusive partner's life which is where they expect to be.
Abusive people look upon their partners as if they're a kind of doll. They are not a person with any needs or wishes of their own, they are only expected to 'serve' them.
Your boyfriend has already shown two very large abusive traits, to control all of your time and to dismiss your feelings as unimportant.
This relationship I can just about guarantee you, spells only unhappiness for you.
Well done in realising that his behaviour is not normal or acceptable.
Do not join in with him and ignore your own feelings and wishes, you are every bit as important as the person you choose to go out with and if they dismiss your feelings, then realise that they do not care for you and will not make you happy.
You need to learn your own boundaries. What you want and need in a relationship and what kind of behaviour you require from a future partner. And enforce those boundaries when they are traversed by someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Only their own. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (13 July 2020):
No, if course this is not normal. Being in a relationship should add to your life, not take away. This guy sounds needy and controlling. You sound unhappy. He will probably get worse with time until he stifles you completely. Huge red flag waving here. Stay safe.
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