A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My 2 1\2 years long distance girlfriend told me today a male friend from college is going to watch a movie tomorrow night at her place so she can not see me on skype (we do it every night) she says that the time is not convinient to her (10 pm not convenient??) They will be alone in bed watching the movie on her laptop. (Her place is tiny, no room for a couch) I told her i was not feeling comfortable at all. She said i dont have anything to worry about, as he is a friend only,she said she likes him and get along great.Im told her as much as i trust her that is a No No and that it was not acceptable. I asked her how would she feel if it happens i meet a girl who "i really like and we get along great"and invite her to watch a " movie in bed at my place... and she said she would be ok!! Arggg!!! Really????Anyways, i told her i love her and i trust her too but will not tolerate that kind of things. She texted me 20 minutes later telling me she callwd him t cancel the movie night and instead they will meet for a coffee.I feel hurt because she was the one inviting him over to her place, and i think if she needs attention or she feels the need to go out with other guys she should be single then. The way she wants to go out with her friends looks more of a "date" to me.Im planning to propose in a few months when i get to visit her but this has rose questions in me. Am i right, wrong or overthinking? My aunt used to say dont do things that look bad.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2014): It's perfectly OK if you don't mind your girlfriend having sex with another guy. They may not think it will lead to this but it will if you don't stop them.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (13 November 2014):
Listen, LDR's are totally unnatural. Get a plan for closing the gap. If there's no light at the end of the tunnel people will stray.
I'd give her a week to figure out what she wants, then have a serious discussion about your future if she wants to continue things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionInsecurity grew in me, i read her private messages, we ended up in a fight. I called her a lier and broke up. Later she wrote a long letter explaining herself and her actions...next day we talked calmly and now us both have broken trust. She apologized and said she should have managed things differently with me. I apologized for invading her privacy. She has always or mostly always the truth and i belive she has not been unfaithful at all, i told her i would have to start planning a new stage in my life, most likely relocating for some time close to my family. She asked me to put on hold my plans for now, She says she is confused about us and needs time. I told her ok, so no contact, at least from me. Im wondering how long should i wait before start planning and move on? Changing FB status, deleting pictures of us and erase her from my life? After all we have been together for long time and i still love her, so i want to be considerate with her. I was thinking one or two weeks no contact should be enough for her to make up her mind. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2014): NO, it is NOT OKAY. Not under any circumstances.
If she wants to do this, let her go ahead... WITHOUT YOU as her boyfriend.
How would SHE like it if you had a female friend over at your place watching a movie alone in your bed while she is not only not there but far away in another city????
This spells disaster. And a perfect set up for cheating!
Why even go there? There is NO NEED to go there if you are in a happy and fulfilled relationship. Clearly she is not on the same page as you.
Even going for coffee with him is not acceptable.
Walk away. I agree with Tranced. She is a female version of a player....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 November 2014):
Whether or not it's acceptable is your call. Some guys are okay with their girlfriend sleeping with other guys, some guys don't want their wives face to show.
If she doesn't accept what you find acceptable, then you have to change or leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been LD for 2.5 years and know her for almost 3.5 years. We met in my country thru a friend. We started dating briefly before she had to go back to her country for school. She was under a working holiday visa. Since then we have been visiting each other, she comes to see me in summer break and i try to visit her every 3 months or so. Every visit varies from 2 weeks to 2 months depending on $ and off time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 November 2014):
 She seems kind of immature to be honest. While I DO NOT see anything wrong in having male friends, IF she was only looking for friendship from them, but she isn't. She is playing games. And maybe because it's a LDR it's out of sight out of mind for her. If she feels getting attention from other men is more important than how much does she value the relationship?
How long have you two been LDR? And who moved away?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a conversation today. I tried to explain why i feel so frustrated and insecure. Long story short she doesnt see anything wrong in her behavior, so she is not sorry at all. I suggested her to think and to be sure what she wants, to reevaluate her priorities and boundries in this relationship,i suggested her a couple of days no contact should be fine, she got defensive and said "i dont need a couple of days" i replied, well then, we should reevaluate our relationship and set boundaries at our mutual convenience. She said:- " i dont want to talk now, and this week will be very busy for me, i'll see you on sunday" so the disappointment still going on and im very sad. She just don't understand how she hurts me with her invitations to other guys. Should i let her go then?
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A
male
reader, Zemllacyeht +, writes (4 November 2014):
Not acceptable at all, she could go to a movie theater. No reason why a woman in a relationship should be in bed watching a movie with any man besides her boyfriend
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2014):
You write:
***afraid she put herselfin those situations because she enjoys the attention from other males regardless she is in a loving relationship and that makes me very sad and insecure.***
Why NOT have a conversation about that? Instead of telling her, you can't do this or do that?
Maybe even encourage her to have more female friends?
Is she as serious about you two as you are?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe is 12 years younger than me, and of course she has a different mind set and I deal with it. I do trust her. really. however the fact that she initiates this kind of situations makes me very nervous and unsecure. why? because I cant be physically with her to cover all her emotional needs. when she asks male friends out for dinner, a drink or watch a movie together may send the wrong message and im afraid she put herselfin those situations because she enjoys the attention from other males regardless she is in a loving relationship and that makes me very sad and insecure.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (4 November 2014):
 I wouldn't be happy about it either, or the fact she's meeting up with him for coffee.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2014):
There has to be a little trust in a relationship too. YOU will have to TRUST that she KNOWS what is OK and what is not. Now if this guy didn't know about you, or saw her as MORE then a friend, I'd worry. But if they are just friends it is quite possible for them to watch a movie sitting on her bed.
Also SHE might have a different set of "boundaries" then you do. I know people who don't agree that men and women can be friends. That SEX will ALWAYS pop up. She isn't a mind reader and IF she sees this guy as a PLATONIC friend, I can see why she didn't feel it was a big deal. Personally, I think friendships across genders is a normal and natural thing, I have had and still have many male friend who are STRICTLY platonic. Some have been my friends since we were 10 -12 years old, so OVER 30 years.
So maybe it IS a good thing that it happened. So that the two of you can find boundaries FOR YOUR relationship that works for you both.
However, I think you need to consider how you talk to your GF. You write":
*** i told her i love her and i trust her too but will not tolerate that kind of things.***
Seriously? That is OK for you to DEMAND she thinks exactly like you? And only does what YOU might approve off? To me that scream of you trying to control her. And it also screams I DO NOT REALLY trust you to know what you are doing.
There is a HUGE difference in watching a movie with a friend and having a date. I think someone she feels she is "safe" with (as in he won't hit on her) she might think it's not a big deal. Where are you... think it is. Going out for coffee should be OK to. Do NOT try and isolate her.
However, SHE cancelled the date because YOU told her you were not comfortable with it. THAT shows she is NOT putting her social life before you. That she took the time to think it over and accommodate you.
You say you are LDR - how long did you two date in person before the LDR?
And how much younger then you is she? Because I think this has a little to do with age as well. If she is in college she "could" be 10-15 years younger then you and have a whole other mindset.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): I would not like it, accept or continue a relationship with someone that did that while I was in a relationship with them. It is not acceptable, and disrespectful to your relationship. That is my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): There are no rules set in stone. It's about what both of you agree is ok.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (4 November 2014):
 Shes playing you. Get rid of her.
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