A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is my cousin's 'Emma's' problem. She's asked me for help, but I'm almost 35 and she's only a young 22, so I feel the level of the maturity in her relationship is so different to mine, that I can't fully understand and therefore advise her, so thought I'd post her problem here. It's very long and complicated!Right, she went to work last Sunday before last. Her and 'Edward' bickered a bit that morning and she went to work in a bit of a huff. After work she wanted to put that all behind her, bought a cake for him to say sorry and was ready to stop arguing and get on....She got into the car, was almost home when she asked 'Ed' 'What did you do today?', he said 'played my game, worked on my project and went to the next town'. She asked did he meet with anybody and he said 'yeah, 'Rachel' who is a girl he recently met on a course. 'Emma' got really upset and angry. She said she went blanck and felt like something hit her chest.Eventually she sat him down and talked to him and he said 'You told me to make the effort with people and I did. We argued that morning and I wanted to take a walk and so did Rachel so I met her in her town'.'Emma' asked him what happens if he gets to know 'Rachel' and gets to like her, and 'Ed' said 'I won't, I'm happy with you and I like you, not her. I don't want to like her.''Emma' told 'Ed' that she still felt upset that he went all the way to the next town to see 'Rachel' when he wouldn't take her to a supermarket for food and he said 'I had money to go to the next town. When you asked to go to the supermarket, I hadn't yet been paid'.'Emma' dropped it in the end, still feeling hurt by it all, went to work worried he'd see her again and wait until she asked him to tell her and was so stuck on what to do, she turned round to 'Ed' and said 'I'm going to my grandparents for three days they live together at his parents 'to sort my head out and to think'. 'Ed' appeared to be fine with that, just said 'OK' and 'I think that's a good idea', but when 'Emma got back, he got really pissy with her, said 'I don't think it's a good idea you come back, I'm tired from my course, I dont want to talk and you haven't spoken to me in three days'. He also said 'I don't know what you're going to come back like' (she said she'd given him a hug goodbye when she'd left for those three days but he said she'd been off when she'd left and then preceded ask her to stay at her grandparents again over the weekend.'Emma' then said she went mad, was in tears and hysterics, that she couldn't breathe and couldn't believe what she was hearing. She told him, she'd move out and our Auntie ended up picking her up with the kids and she went to the cinema her parents live quite a way away.'Ed' text 'Emma' the next day and said 'Come home when you want. I can't be arsed to argue over this as well. 'Rachel''s just a friend. Any issues we have are not related.''Emma' text back saying 'Well you said to stay away for a weekend and I'm going to stick to it, plus it gives me time to think things over'The following Saturday, 'Ed' met with 'Rachel' again in the next town, sent 'Emma' a text saying 'Met up with 'Rachel' this afternoon FYI', after 'Emma' had asked that morning if he'd seen 'Rachel' again, as she'd seen his car in the morning heading in that direction. 'Emma' replied 'Do you think that was a good idea? We haven't sorted things out, but it's your decision'. 'Ed' didn't reply, so that night 'he was on Facebook and 'Emma' messaged him, to ask if they could talk, he said 'If we must'.'Emma' said she appreciated 'Ed' being honest with her, that she expected him to make more effort with more people, not just one person and asked if was 100% sure he didn't fancy her and won't end up fancying her. 'Ed' said 'Emma' was pissing him off, that she wasn't listening and only hearing what she wanted.The conversation went on, he said he cared and that's why he was pissed off, that 'Emma' had made a big deal about it in the first place, leaving for three days and not communicating with him while away. 'Emma' explained that she went away for three days to think, that he could have texted her.'Ed' said he didn't realise meeting 'Rachel' would upset 'Emma' that much, and he brought up the point again that she'd told him to make more effort and that she'd got angry when he had and that he can't win.'Emma' said he would of made a big deal if she'd met up with a guy from work and mentioned a couple of names and said who they were and 'Ed' said one of them seemed cool, do what she wants with them, they did nothing to him.'Emma' said to 'Ed', if it wasn't for 'Rachel', he would react the same way she had, if she'd done what he'd been doing. 'Ed' said 'You do exactly the thing I do. You see 'Rob' etc. I may have grumbled but I didn't f*** off for three days and not talk to you.''Emma' responded by saying 'When you met with 'Rachel' the first time, you knew it would upset me and you went any way and today you didn't think of me at all, didn't care what I felt and just went. She said that 'Rob' was different, that she'd known him for a year, worked with him and had discussed it with 'Ed', told him before she went and and asked him if it was OK.'Ed' said again, he had no idea it would upset her like it did and that brought him back to the point that she'd told him to make the effort with people and that he can't win. He added that at least he'd always been 100% up front with her since the day they'd met.'Emma' said again that she appreciated that and that's why she trusts him. She added that she expected 'Ed' to make an effort with the guys and not just 'Rachel', that she just wanted to meet 'Rachel' so she knew who she wass. 'Ed' said if she trusted him, they wouldn't be in the situation they were in.'Emma' said she trusted him, that what he'd done had upset her, that he'd sent her away over the weekend. 'Ed' reminded 'Emma' that she'd got like this before with another female friend of hiss, but 'Emma' said she'd got over that and knew she'd been stupid with the other female friend, but 'Ed' said she hadn't realised before she'd caused them to break up and also reminded her that she'd gone on to 'mess with 'Vince' (when 'Emma' had kissed 'Vince' two years back, after her and 'Ed' had first broken up), but she explained to 'Ed' that it was when they'd first broken up and he'd told her that he didn't love her and that it was six weeks after they'd broken. At this point, 'Ed' decided the conversation wasn't working, and that it was making things worse. 'Emma' brought up the past and something 'bad' he'd done to her I don't know what and said they needed to talk about it and sort it out and 'Ed' said 'maybe, but not tonight.''Emma' said 'Look, we need to focus on what's happening now. What happened in the past doesn't matter, that she wanted him to take her feelings into account, that being friends with 'Rachel' was fine, that she wasn't going to stop him talking to her and 'Emma' apologised for getting really upset, said she wanted to meet 'Rachel' and that if she's 'Ed's' friend, it'd be nice to know her.'Ed' said 'Well, like you said, you don't know when to stop', all she'd done is to make him pissed off again. 'Emma' asked 'How?' and that she'd tried to explain how she'd felt and tried to get things off her chest and move past it, and 'Ed' said she'd said that ages ago but that she'd also said loads of other stuff and that they'd talk the next day. 'Emma' said she was trying to control her emotions and it'd be nice if he could see that and come to an understanding, but that he didn't seem to be taking it in or listening. 'Ed' said that listening works both ways. 'Emma' said she wanted to talk, to try not to over-react etc. 'Ed' said that had been noted, but that he was going to bed. 'Emma' said 'Well I'm re-thinking the relationship not making you happy and we'll talk in a few days from scratch.'Sunday 'Ed' sent 'Emma' a text about an event show and so she thought he'd calmed down, so she sent a straight forward email, saying how she felt, that she wanted him to take her feelings into account, that he seemed to have double standards, that it'd be nice to meet friends and get to know them without him getting moody, etc, that said it upset her when he met with 'Rachel' the second time etc...saying she was re-thinking the relationship. I think she went over the same things. 'Ed' said 'You don't know how to drop it do you?' 'Emma' asked 'don't you think we need to talk about this?' and 'Ed' said 'We did and we keep going over the same old shit'. 'Emma' asked what he wanted. 'Ed' said for 'Emma' to drop it and to stop focusing on it all, to stop telling him to consider her feelings, that he did and she didn't like it, that he was annoyed that she'd told him to make effort and got annoyed when he did, that he thinks she doesn't trust him, that even if 'Rachel' DID fancy him, he's not that weak and finally, that he was upset 'Emma' didnt talk to him for three days.After all this, 'Emma' said she wanted to go on a break, that things weren't working and they were going round in circles. 'Ed' said he didnt do breaks but 'whatever' and 'Emma' said 'Well that's what I'm doing. We won't talk until Friday, and we'll decide if we need to end the relationship'. That was Sunday. 'Ed' didn't say anything about 'Emma' 'thinking about the relationship'. 'Emma' talked to 'Anna', a friend of both of theirs, who said she thinks 'Ed' is annoyed it'd come to this and that he wanted things to calm down and he doesn't know how to fix things.'Emma' feels like 'Ed's taken her for granted, that he's putting 'Rachel' first and not her,.'Ed' met 'Rachel' again yesterday. He wants to see her more and 'Emma' said she can't do that, that he's in a serious relationship and he doesn't get to know another girl and see her loads, that she can handle every now and then but not loads, that she can't be with him if so..Sorry it's so long. A lot was taken from emails she sent me, of their conversations, which I've edited!I really don't know how to advise her, as although I can see her point, I also see his, so would love an unbiased opinion from both sexes.Thank you for reading if you've made it this far!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses.
'Emma' has told me that her relationship with 'Ed' is now over, as he 'choose his friendship with 'Rachel' over her. I've not been able to speak much to her, due to time restraints, but am guessing 'Emma' was the one to call time on the relationship & I get the feeling she is hoping for them to make up again in the future, as she always has done when they've parted in the past. She seems addicted to him, to me. The family all try to boost her self-esteem, but she seems to not know her worth, which is a shame.
Thank you again for your input. I may need it to be able to offer more unbiased advice, should she try to pursue a relationship with 'Ed' again.
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I agree with all the other agony aunts. Ed doesn't inspire faith and Emma needs to be with someone who doesn't go running to other women for emotional support (or whatever). Ed's been uncommunicative, surly and has come up with terrible excuses for seeing Rachel. Sounds like a player to me. Emma needs to dump his sorry arse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Neither one of them is good for the other.
Emma wasn't the only one who didn't contact the other for three days.
They need to break up.
That isn't a relationship...it is just two people who misunderstand one another, fight and argue most of the time, who are staying together because they feel like they have been together for a long time.
They both need to grow up.
It would probably be helpful for the ppl who write replies on this site if you just have your 'cousin' ask 'her' own questions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 April 2012):
 Ed's full of shit. He realized that he let the cat out of the bag and now he is trying to stuff it back in.
I think Emma should dump Ed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): In a nutshell: Emma is right to be upset. If Ed can't introduce her to a woman he claims to be "just friends" with, something is up.
The issue to me here is not that Ed has this female friend but rather that he seems to have something to hide with regards to their "friendship." Does Rachel know Ed is spoken for?
PS: the fact that he's running to Rachel rather than working through his problems with his girlfriend is a red flag in and of itself. Taken alone it's not incriminating, but many instances of cheating begin with one partner looking elsewhere to fulfill their emotional needs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Ed's full of it. Sounds like he's got one foot out the door and is looking for another relationship. I'd advise your cousin to get out and stop with the dramatics. Deep down she knows what's going on but just doesn't want to admit it.
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