A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am reposting my old story and its developments. I am SO confused... -----------------------------I have been in a romantic affair with a lovely married man for 9 months. He was the one doing all the running, and gave me a lot. I never gave him the pleasure of an answer as to how serious we were, and he kept asking me whether I would marry him.I was rude to him, evasive, and at times abusive. I am not an easy person and relationships scare me. I am not young, and neither is he. But while he is an open book, I am a torn, complicated person. However, we stayed together but I started to trigger fights with him over petty things. We became aggressive toward each other, verbally abusive, angrier and angrier. I used to apologise. And he would always take me back. About 2 weeks ago , I abused him verbally and created a fight. I really went very far. Then I got a nasty flu right after it so I told him I was very sick, and that I did not have a chance to apologise.He kept calling me to enquire about the flu but would not talk personal matters. I did not ask to see him either. He called him the last time about 10 days ago (we still have NOT seen each other after the fight!). He was ANGRY and told me he was travelling. (Usually I know ALL his travel plans but this time he was calling from the airport, i.e. he ignored to tell me he was travelling).I told him Oh OK. I am sorry I have a lot of problems at the moment. He told me '' I am sincere and very willing to help you. Please let me know if you need me.He then also sent me message saying he was genuinely willing to be there for me.I ignored his message. And have not spoken to him since.In the past, I would have PLEADED with him and said I am so sorry. This time I DID NOT CALL. Everytime I think of calling him, something stops me. probably I am scared of going back to being with him.He has stopped calling. Maybe because he had enough of my nasty character, OR, he is waiting for me to make the first step , especially that he DID offer his support EVENTHOUGH I was the one to insult him and I never even apologised.What is happening? Do I call to apologise? What if he is nasty? I don't want to argue with him. Will seeing him open up a can of worms?Is it NICE to just dump him after 9 months ? He gave me so much? or, did HE dump me and was just calling to enquire about the flu. -----------------------------Update: after I vanished for two whole weeks I texted him that I wanted to talk to him. He responded immediately with 'good to hear from you' and wanted to call me long distance. I said no need, just call me when you come home.To make it brief... I saw him and he told me that he could not take my abuse any longer; that our relationship was a constant stress to him. He said that I had SCREWED him big time and what he gave me, he gave no one else.He was resentful about my disappearance . He then told me he wanted a 'distinguished friendship with me'.He said that it took him a long time and great effort to 'get out' and he was NOT going back.YET... He is VERY responsive to my calls where he does not have to anymore. I don't know what to do. A part of me is happy and relieved because I always ran away from him, he was the pursuer and wanted to marry me. I never acknowleged it. He told me that he would NEVER allow me to humiliate him again. I have mixed feelings. I miss him because he was so nice to me. Yet my CRAZY episodes indicate that I had an ambivalence about him.Why am so I scared of losing him? AND, did I lose him?He told me to think HARD about 'what I want'. And if I wanted it badly enough, I should work for it.I don't want to have false hopes. But I can't help thinking that a love cannot just die like that. But his words seem final. I am confused.I need to manage my anger, it is not doing me any favours.OK what is happening now... He told me to come to him ''when I have seen the clear picture '' and ''I know what I want''. I send him a friendly message ''hello'' only. He answers straight away, saying ''I'll call you in a while'' and he does not call. WHO asked him to call?!?!? LOLI wonder if I should consider it TRULY OVER. After all, he DID say ''I am out of it''. But then he talks to me and describes his feelings on the phone. Is he sending me mixed messages? Am I in denial that he is OVER and has a NEW LOVE? Is he teaching me a lesson and restoring his macho dignity? God I am so bloody confused. I deserve what I am getting. But still, confused. Thanks for re-reading !
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affair, long distance, married man, mixed messages, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 June 2007):
 Yes, you're in denial. He has a new love. He respects you for who you are, and will be there if you need him. But his love for you is OVER. I know this because I was personally involved in a situation just like the one you describe. I was the male.
A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (10 June 2007):
 I dont understand! when you were togethewr you loved the fights but now u dont want a fight but u dont want him back! leave the poor man alone! he has been through all ur abuse too long, move onto someone else maybe someone who will give as good as u give him, in all ways.
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