A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so upset right now. My ex was brn premature, like i was, and he was born with one leg shorter than the other, and he also has scoliosis in his back, so he has a lot of pain. He found out this week that its so bad now that he might need a wheelchair, or morphine, or he may have to try to ease the pain with exercise. They were some options given to him, or he may need to have surgery. He told me today that he is very depressed, and he kept swearing at me and kept asking me to leave him alone. I was only trying to help him and was being supportive to him, but he was taking his depression out on me. We had recently been talking about getting back togeher, but now he says he doesnt want us to talk or meet up until he is ready to do so. I can understand him feeling that way, but it still hurts when he gets angry with me. Even though i feel sorry about his illnesses, i'm wondering if its still worth bothering with him. He also doesnt have many friends, and is unemployed, so this would add to his depression too. When we meet in person, and even sometimes when we speak on msn, we have a laugh, and we have the same sense of humour, so i hate seeing him depressed. To look at him, you wouldnt think there was anything wrong, because he is so good looking, but he says its painful when he walks, although you cant usually tell. Is he intentionally being cruel to me ?. What should i do ?.
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depressed, msn, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): ok, so earlier, we did talk for quite a while, but i told him at the end of the conversation that i like how kind and thoughtful he is, trying to give him a compliment. Before that, he said " so you can see why i get short tempered sometimes " , as we had been talking about his illnes. Unfortunately, after i tried to be nice to him, he signed out without saying anything to me, and i'm afraid i got too angry !. I sent him an offline message saying i thought it was rude that he just signed out without saying anything. I dont know if he will speak to me again, but i was just frustrated that i had tried to help him and yet he did that.He usually says goodbye when he goes, so its not like him to just go and not say anything. And it shows that he had seen what iwas writing but was ignoring it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): He has signed into msn a couple of times since we last spoke, but he still isn't talking to me. I haven't sent him a message, and he hasnt sent me one either. What's the point of him going on msn if he doesn't feel like talking ?. I'm finding it difficult not to speak to him but i'll try.
Angzw , i'm very sorry to hear about your dad too. My ex also swears at me a lot , and it's very hurtful. Sometimes, apart from saying f off, he has even called me derogatory names, and it has knocked my confidence.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 February 2010):
When people are hurt, its normal for them to lash out like this. My dad lost his leg in an accident and when he was angry and depressed he would lash out at my mother and tell her to f off. But instead of my mother saying why are you talking to me like this, she told him to shut up. Once when he kicked her out of his hospital room, my mother said I'm not going anywhere, visiting time isn't over yet and she grabbed a magazine and sat beside him until the end. And she was back everyday acting like she hadn't heard him say not to come back ever again. You have to realise that he is not himself right now. So just be there; you don't have to be fussing over him getting him stuff or booking appointments etc. But you can be there being silent and just being there. Its possible he could be pushing you away because he may be worried that his condition means your relationship doesn't have a future. So just reassure him that you will always be his friend even if he doesn't want a relationship anymore.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
Depression is like a fog. Right now he has nowhere to turn, except to you. And he is so full of hurt and anger that all he can do is vent it at you. Depression is something that needs to be faced by the person suffering. Give him space to work things out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Thanks for your replies. I'm not trying to come across as selfish, its just that obviously, i can't understand how is situation is, as i am not going through it myself, and i just worry that he wont want anything to do with me at all, but, as i said, i have tried to be supportive, and i am very worried about him. He has even said that he feels suicidal. He isn't having counselling at the moment, and as far as i know, he isnt on any medication. I will mention those to him though, and will also mention swimming to him. Do you think he is asking me not to speak to him because he doesnt want to get angry with me ?. He did say that he wasn't in the mood to argue with me. Not that we were arguing, he probably just felt that it would turn into an arguement, as he was angry. I know it will also be because he is depressed. I will give him his space for now and will only talk to him when he is ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): he is not being intentionally cruel to you, he is just venting out his anger. hearing such devastating news has caused him to withold a lot of pain and anger inside and taking out on you -may be wrong, but still its much healthier than having a complete mental breakdown, or to succumbing to drugs/ alcohol. i think that it is quite selfish of you to not even consider the emotional pain he is in. he needs you right now and if you care for him, you should try to support him as best as you can.
try to be more empathetic towards his situation. he is unemployed, has little friends (socially isolated) and on top of that he may have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. wouldnt u feel angry towards the injustice of the situation?
is he seeing couseling? because if he feels depressed i recommend him to either see a therapist or to maybe take some antidepressant pills to uplift his mood.
anyway, i really hope that all turns out well for the both of you and that exercise can improve his spine. i heard that swimming helps a lot because it helps you build more muscle to strenghen and support your spine.
all the best
x
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A
female
reader, Tarawr  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 People who are depressed can rarely see passed the haze of hurt that they feel for themselves. They are almost always angry - whether it be at things, people or just angry in general. He probably wants to be with you deep down, but right now probably isn't a good time to be around him.
Give him time to breathe. If you try to comfort him again and he is still angry towards you, get angry back. Treat him the exact same way he treats you. Sometimes that does the trick.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): What you need to do is consider your feelings for him, without factoring in the depression etc. If you get back with him out of sympathy then in the end it won't last and he will be even more hurt. Do what feels right to you, not what you think he wants you to do.
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