A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 15 years was caught having an affair online with a colleague. He left "chat" open and I read all the sordid details. He claims everything happened online but I discovered they had plans to meet.I feel beyond betrayed and hurt and have let him know. He claims it was a mid-life crisis and a diversion to problems we are having with our children. I still feel like he cheated since it was done secretively and was not an arrangement we had in our marriage. I asked him how he would have felt had things been reversed but he didn't really want to process it.What do I do - I don't know if I can get over this and he is not acting like he wants to reconcile. I'm very torn.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 Yes, this is cheating. Everything you keep secret from your partner/cant do if your partner is there: it is cheating. Doesnt matter if it was online, it was a betrayal.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 Having a mid-life crisis is one thing (you go buy a sports car or something), but to pardon cheating by ‘everything happened online’, then blame it on the children and indeed show no remorse is entirely something else!? I’d equally be very torn and probably smash the computer and feel no remorse in doing that as it would have saved his head from blunt trauma :( For me; his lack of judgement and feeble excuses would send me out of this world – cyberspace! (I loathe excuses.)In reality you have to decide whether to forgive, and sit him down to some serious verbal discussion; because this is far from over! I sense you’re a woman who knows how to handle this directly after the shock and pain subside. I encourage you to be strong and wish you a positive reconciliation. P.S. “EXCUSES are the nails that build a House of FAILURE!”“Don’t make excuses make good!” Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Is cybersex cheating? Yes.Is it forgivable? Well, that's entirely up to you. I don't know how long you and your husband have been together, but I do know that even short-term relationships can be very difficult to move on from. In that respect, neither of your two options - stay or go - will be easy. If you stay, there is clearly a lot of work that will need to be done in your relationship. It'll take time, patience, a strong commitment to seeing things through, and heavy self-reflection.If you go, you'll be back in the world of being single. Surely, you're familiar with the pros and cons of that. Again, I don't know how long you and Hubby were together or if you were married before, but getting back on your feet after being codependent for a few years takes mental fortitude and courage - two things that may have been negatively affected by this event, but will gradually grow back.I do think you should at least try to talk to your husband. As husband and wife, you owe it to each other to hear each other out. Sit him down and tell him where YOU want to go from here. Maybe he'll give you a more thorough explanation for his actions, and it will give you something to reconsider. Otherwise make a decision about how you want to react, and stick with it. This is in your hands now, don't let indecision render you powerless here.Best of luck, and I am so sorry for your pain.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 May 2013):
 You can get over this and you can get through this. He isn't really giving you much choice other than to leave, I'm very sorry this has happened. He's refusing to accept responsibility for himself and isn't really putting in any effort to fix it (even if he was, my advice would be the same), this is the end of the marriage. I'm sorry there is no gentler way to put it, this must be so hard on you. But right now you need to get yourself out of this situation, away from this toxic man, and surround yourself with people who will support you.
He did have an affair. Not a one time slip up, but he emotionally cheated with the intent to do so physically as well. I don't think it would be possible to forgive him for that or ever trust him again.
Take care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): He definitely cheated OP. Cheating isn't just meeting up in a motel and having sex. Cheating is building any kind of emotional, sexual or intimate relationship that should only be reserved for your partner without the explicit consent of your partner.
His excuses are bullshit OP and they don't wash for me. Want a diversion? Go buy an old car and do it up, go take up fishing or start playing an online game. Cheating is not acceptable to me in any form and I'd walk without a second's notice.
I can't make your choice for you, that's something you need to consider. All the pros, the cons, whether he'll do it again, whether he actually thinks what he did was wrong and owns up to it. If he won't take responsibility or thinks it was okay to do, then he will do it again OP and frankly that's a huge con.
You need to take the time and think this through. But honestly OP if he's not even bothered to reconcile then you need to get your financial affairs in order, go get some secret legal advice on how you can best remove yourself from the marriage and come out on top. Just so you know your options and you need to either kick him out or leave for a little while give him some space and time to understand that this is a marriage ender unless he's willing to fight to keep this marriage together.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (31 May 2013):
 an emotional affair is to most worse than the real thing... I could tell you to leave him etc... but the truth is only you can make that call.. with that being said I only have these thoughts-is this behavior acceptable to you ?- are you willing to let this type of behavior to continue?to me he is just using the kids thing as an excuse to cheat... and to be honest most cheaters who want out are caught on purpose so they don't have to do the dirty work. if you are willing to let him continue this type of behavior then stay... but if you cant then I think you should go... at the very least take some time to yourself and allow your self time to grieve and be around those you trust.there is a lot involved I know, all of which you have to rummage through but from the sounds of it he has already left the marriage. hes just waiting on you to pack... :-(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): This is cheating. Just because he says it was all online dose take away the fact he was connecting with another woman behind your back. Some people can get past it but if you didn't find out and he did meet with her something would of happened.Personally I could not get over Cheating if my partner could do it once he could do it again. If depend on if you can trust him again or nor. X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Yes, that is most certainly cheating and a huge betrayal of your marriage. Personally, I would be able to forgive down the road, but I would not stay in the relationship anymore. He knew what he was doing and he knew it was wrong, yet he did it anyway. He can lay any excuse or blame under the sun, but he still made a choice to go somewhere and do something he had no business doing. I have always considered myself a pretty strong person, but I could not be strong enough to trust that it hasn't happened before and would always be wondering when it would happen again. It's not the way to handle any situation that someone might be going through. It is only a temporary fix and only makes things worse at the end of the day.
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