A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:a girl I have been dating for 6 months, and who up to now, I have liked a lot, revealed to me that in the past, not too distant, she dated a few married men. she is 28. one was when she was about 20, the other when she was 26. she slept with both of them. the first one ended because he slept with her roommate. the second one ended because the guy decided to return to his wife. I was pretty upset by this. I am dating now seriously with the idea of having a long term relationship and eventually getting married. in other words, my days of just dating for fun are over. when she said this, i began thinking that if she dates married men, then she has no respect for marriage and she will cheat on me.she didn't seem to regret it. when i asked her about it, she just laughed and shrugged and said that the men were having problems with their wives at the time. i said it was still a marriage. she didn't respond to that and just changed the subject.would this be a deal breaker for you? is it true what I wrote above, that if she dates married men, then she has no respect for marriage and she will cheat on me if we ever got married?thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): It made me realise that it is wrong to take all this lightly by the reaction of everyone here
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): To answer your question: yes, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I'm no prude either. Between us, my wife and I have slept with 50+ people before we married, experimented with ever sort of drug, lived together....
But, for me, there are few things as low as breaking up a marriage just to get your rocks off. I can accept most things as being in the past, but this just fills me with loathing and disgust...
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 "The past is the past" is a BS argument. What if the past involved conviction of victimless crimes? A year in a cult? Unproven suspicions of crimes? Three kids by another man that she has since left in another state and has no legal ties to? A history of making false accusations of crime against other people? What if every single member of her family had been divorced twice? If someone doesn't care about at least one of those things, there is something seriously wrong with them.
Past behavior is the most reliable indicator of future behavior. So why do people think that suddenly, when it comes to sexual history, the past stops mattering? Simple - people want to act however they please without facing any natural consequences for their behavior, even if they hold others to some standard or another.
This is doubly true when the person expresses no regret for their past, and expresses neither the sincere desire to change nor any understanding of why other people might look down on their choices. People like that just expect unconditional acceptance simply for existing. We've all made mistakes, but there's a difference between an honest mistake and years of willful disregard for good sense.
As for the woman in the OP's question, she is a narcissist who does not care who she hurts in the process of getting her instant gratification, and that's unlikely to change - especially if she doesn't express regret. She doesn't even think it's worth the effort to pretend to be sorry about it.
I'm not saying there's a guarantee of anything - that's never there. I'm saying there is an unacceptably high risk that she will marry you, get what she wants, get bored, cheat, then divorce you and take your kids and house away. Dude, you can do better.
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I'll throw in my 2 cents.
To be quite honest, the way i see it (and i admit i'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here!) is that it's not necessarily true that she has no respect for marriage.
I think she just doesn't care about other people's marriages. Sure that displays a certain level of self-absorption and selfishness, seeing as how she obviously didn't consider the wife or family of the men she was sleeping with, and you could call that a character flaw.
However, i guess i can understand and even respect that viewpoint. She's the type of person who really only worries about herself, and was obviously just looking for a good time with these guys. It doesn't seem like she got too hung up on them, ya know?
I find it quite telling that the first relationship ended when the man slept with her roommate, so in essence it ended when HE cheated on HER.
So there is some concept of fidelity there, or at least enough self respect to not be the town bicycle seat.
This, to me, seems like a girl who is really just looking to have a good time and be happy in life.
On one hand, yes, if you married her, and someone else came along that made her happier, she probably would leave you.
On the other hand, i married a girl with this outlook, and i'm quite certain that she was honest enough with herself AND with me to say that, because she was marrying me, that meant that she was pretty confident she WOULD never find anyone else that made her happier then i do.
I have to admit it's pretty ballsy for her to be as honest with you as she has been. That, to me, is another indicator that gives me hope for you both.
If you continue dating this girl and moving forward in your relationship, I think i would lay it out to her that you just want you both to be honest with each other. Completely. Never hold anything back.
That's what my wife and i did. We made a vow to never hide anything from the other. If we ever did reach a point in our relationship where we felt like we were so unhappy that we had to sleep with someone else, then we would tell the other and just end it. (However we also hoped that we would talk to each other and work things out before things GOT to that point!)
At any rate, that's my 2 cents. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): If she doesn't regret it, she hasn't really changed. And, you can't change her.
If you do get serious with her, it would have to be with the understanding from the beginning on your part that she'd view it as an open relationship in the sense that she'd be faithful when it suited her, and unfaithful when it didn't.
That might not happen, but it seems to me the odds are high enough that you would have to be OK with that if you want to continue the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): "then she has no respect for marriage"
That is clear.
"she didn't seem to regret it. when i asked her about it, she just laughed and shrugged and said that the men were having problems with their wives at the time"
This is worrisome. All people have trouble with their spouses at times. She sees that as a reason to cheat, and sees nothing wrong with it for them, or her, and which comes back to you.
Which means...when she has problems with you...
Which means that she will expect you to cheat as well, and that will lower her threshold for cheating.
Which threshold sounds like it is very low.
If this is the way she feels, then yes, it would be a dealbreaker. Unless you want that sort of marriage.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 June 2011):
When I read your post, there was one thing more than anything that in my opinion shows this woman up;
"They were all having problems in their marriages"
So, in other words, she accepts no responsibility for her own behaviour. And that, to me, is the dealbreaker. If she'd come out and said that at the time she was unstable, or that she'd made mistakes, then I'd have said give her time and get to know her even more.
But, face facts - this woman accepts no responsibility for her actions, and has participated in screwing up two marriages. Dealbreaker for me this time.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 For who? For you? It seems to be because if you were fine with it, you wouldn't be asking here would you?
She is who she is, past and all. That may either be something you want or which you don't but you don't get to pick the bits about a human being that you like and discard the rest.
If this bothers you, then she ain't right for you.
Does it mean she has no respect for marriage? She didn't cheat in a marriage, the men did. But she enabled it. What does this say about her? That she is not a person who cares or realizes how what she does affects others. Is that what you are attracted to in a person? You are at least partially, that also says something about you.
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A
female
reader, tickledpink +, writes (24 June 2011):
I agree with what has already been said, past behaviour is a good general indication of future behaviour. Perhaps if she expressed regret regarding the affairs I would feel differently.
It depends on your own views of cheating, but having been on the receiving end, this would be a deal breaker for me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011):
This depends on your own morals and feeling about marriage. It definitely means that she doesn't respect marriage and is more likely (but not certain) to cheat on you. In my opinion, I would dump her based on this. I had a female friend like this once and I would never get involved with a girl like that based on the things she told me.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (24 June 2011):
 It shows a regrettably faulty moral compass. If you are looking forward to a lasting relationship, that's not genreally a good thing. I've done the whole 'sleeping with married men' thing too, and regret every one of them (at least the ones I remember). In my defense, each and every time the men pretended he was not married. A girl who doesn't regret what she's done does indicate a tendency to behave in a manner not conducive to a happy married life.
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A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Leopards do not change their spots. Once a cheat always a cheat. I would not say your girlfriend ruined other people's marriages. The husbands that went with her did that and if she had not been stupid enough to go with them someone else would. Anyway a husband who wants to cheat is just as bad as one who actually does. If the marriage had been good he would not have wanted to but he should have sorted out the problems or got a divorce instead.
Your girlfriend actually has low self esteem. Only someone who has a lack of confidence would end up dating a married man. These men used her. In a way I feel sorry for her.
As you are nice and single things could be very different with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Her values aren't very good from the sound of it. Doing it is bad enough but not even seeing something wrong with it is even worse.
Another little bit of advice: Don't try to explain your opinion to her too well (unless you are in the final conversation of actually breaking up with her, then maybe it's the time for it.) If she knows her lack of guilt bothers you so much then she will probably just start faking guilt about it to make you happy. She clearly does not feel guilty about it right now. These are her true emotions being revealed BEFORE she knows they are such a deal breaker for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): ...the past is a pretty good indication of the future!!!she cheated not once but twice already with a married man, has no regrets, saw marriage as just a piece of paper......well that pretty much tells me that she will not value hers.are u willing to take this chance???LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): She shows no remose for her actions of cheating with married men - this would be a dealbreaker for me... if she felt nothing about ruining someone else's marriage - quite possibly she would cheat during her own relationship with you and still not feel that she had done wrong.
Oh - and that favourite old line "men were having problems with their wives" yes, they made the problem by having an affair.
IMHO - stay away from this woman - she is poison!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): When will this "the past is the past" horsecrap end? Behavior in the past is an indicator of possible future behavior. This past behavior would concern me. Although it doesn't mean that she would cheat on you in the future, her nonchalant response indicates to me either that she has no respect for marriage or that she really thinks that it was wrong and doesn't want to admit it. While not necessarily a deal breaker, it would make me wonder about her future behavior if there were any problem in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): The past is the past. You either get over it or you move on from her. Ask your self do you really care about her? Could you see your self with her for a long time? Wife? Children? If you can then give her a chance. Just because she did some stuff when she was not with you doesn't mean anything.
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