A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys. I've known this fella for 3 years. He's in a very unhappy (unmarried) relationship.Unhappy on BOTH sides. They've been together 10+ years with property, finances and a business in both their names. He has feelings for me and he knows I feel the same way. We would NEVER, repeat NEVER have an affair. We're good people. He doesn't know I'm aware they are unhappy. I know they are unhappy because his brother and I had a long, honest, revealing chat.A few days ago,my friend sent me a text.I haven't seen him in nearly a year. At the end of it he wrote, 'Nothing has changed here. It's quite worrying really.' I replied that if he wanted change, only he could do something about it. To which he replied, '....As for change, it's obvious I'm too comfortable and boring. Hmmmmm.' I replied with, 'If comfortable and boring means being unhappy, I'd risk change. You just never know.' He didn't answer. This man doesn't express his emotions well and getting any info out of him is like trying to get blood out of a stone. He's also a very private person.For him to write this, is a massive thing for him. I can't help wondering exactly what is he trying to tell me? Do you think I'm just reading into it or is he trying to tell me something (and if so, what??) My sister said it's obvious he has feelings for me and he's testing the water. Please help! Thank you so much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Keep in mind, closed mouth/private or not, it's only one side of the story. Often people can say how bad it is, or how unhappy they are, but what are they doing to be part of the solution?...it's his rut and he needs to figure out how to change what's going on in his life, not reach out for an easy temporary fix. It really is none of your concern and the LAST thing you should do is get involved with someone else's relationship. Put your focus on finding a love of your own and move on from thinking you should be with him. A good friend will listen, but a black sheep in white clothing will suggest things that will only add fuel to the fire for their own benefit....don't read into anything and be careful not to be that black sheep.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Hi
Do you know that TV show, 'Snog,Marry,Avoid'? Well you must avoid. There's nothing there for you
You may be in love but getting his brother to talk about his private relationship is wrong,his brother is bang out of order.
HIS relationship is his business and unless he is 100% free from her and all their finances, he can text you till the cows come home, it means zero.
He knows he can finish it, he knows you like him...but he's still with her.
Forget the recent texts and forget him
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 March 2013):
 '....As for change, it's obvious I'm too comfortable and boring. Hmmmmm.'
What's he telling you?...That he isn't going to budge.
The fact that he didn't answer when you suggested change kinda puts the lid on it...he definitely isn't going to budge!!
So he may have feelings for you, but is he thinking this:
Ok I like her and she gives me attention and is totally into me, BUT I'm kinda cozy in my life, I cannot really be arsed to change anything, but if I keep her guessing (which I am kinda brilliant at) then maybe I can get into a friends with benefits sorta situation without disrupting my own life. That way I get to keep the attention, maybe get some extra sex out of it but not have to promise her anything.
OR IS HE THINKING THIS:
OK I really like this girl and seeing as I am unhappy in my relationship, I am going to break it up and let her know how much I like her so she doesn't get away.
They do say if you want to know what is on a mans mind look at his actions...
I don't see a whole lot of action.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 March 2013):
 If he wants change he can do it. This is not something you can fix for him.
He might not be happy in his relationship but no one is holding a gun to his head or taking things away from him if he breaks up with her. I think he just rather stay with the familiarity and play the "suffering" martyr.
If you have serious feelings for this guy I would back far far away.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 March 2013):
 I dont think he was trying to tell you something, because you claim you already know that he has feelings for you - so why would he be trying to tell you something you already know?
I think he was just venting/having a little rant - you know he is unhappy, he knows he is unhappy, and because you are friends he was just venting his frustration to a friend. You tried to push him further to think about making some changes in his life, but when you started to push he backed off and stopped replying to your messages so its clear he isnt thinking of leaving at all. He is just frustrated with his life.
You said you would never have an affair, and it seems pretty clear that he has no intention of leaving his partner - so why are you still wasting your time on him? He is fed up with his life yet cant make any changes, it seems he is the kind of person that will just carry on regardless because it is easier to stay put than it is to uproot his entire life. Some people would rather carry on being fed up and unhappy because it is EASIER than having to break up, sell properties and businesses, go through all the heartache of leaving someone you have spent a decade with....as much as he may be unhappy, he is probably comfortable and it would be too much hard work for him to just get up and leave.
You've known this man for 3 years, and I presume you have both had feelings for each other for a good part of those 3 years, yet nothing has happened and he has shown no signs of leaving his partner for you. Therefore you have to call it quits I'm afraid, otherwise you are going to waste your life in the hope that one day he is going to wake up and realise just how unhappy he is and walk out on her. The chances of that happening are so slim that you may well be waiting forever.
So you have to choose - do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting in the hope that something could happen, when the reality is it probably will never happen? Or do you move on, find a nice single guy and make a life with him? There are millions of men on this planet who will be more than suitable for you, he isnt the only man you will ever love.
If you are not careful you are going to end up in your late 30's with no man and no kids, you will have wasted your prime years waiting for him to no avail and then you will have missed out on all the dreams you had in life. If he is unhappy it is his mess to sort out, there is nothing you can do about it so just let it go.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Hi, dont waste your time and pine for someone that is taken. If he really wants to leave this woman he would have dont so without you even being in the picture.
Getting your hopes up will only spell disaster because men generally never leave a woman that they are comfortable with as they hate changes. I know your intentions are good but eventually you will succumb to your weakness, stay far away from this guy.
This spells disaster and heartache for you.
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